When did you know in your heart it was over?

[BonnieBumble]

Just interested. We all go through rough patches from time to time but when did you just "know" that there was nothing left to fight for.

When i left last november and changed everything from a couple to being in seperate names, that was when i knew it was over and wouldnt go back.sad though.

How did you get to that point though? Did you have lots of conversations about wanting it to end but then the next day just carrying on as normal?

Weird, but it was when I discovered his 'most visited' pages on his laptop was an 'adult friend' finder site, despite never wanting to have sex with me. It was a year and a half into our marriage.

I drove to his school, made him come out to my car and told him I wanted a divorce. I felt blank and totally calm. Sadly, he begged me to stay and we carried on for another year and a half before one day, out of the blue, he dumped me for a work colleague.

What an arse Igetknockeddown!

I'd discovered his affair, he continued to deny it but I stayed for the kids (never do this). One day he snapped at my 2 year old ds for no particular reason and I asked him "do you actually enjoy family life?" He replied "no, not really". That was the end for me, I left the next day with the kids and the 3 of us now have a lovely family life on our own.

When I found out he had been visiting no strings sites - same as Igetknockeddown - killed it stone dead for me.

We were having behaviour problems with one of our DCs and he seriously wanted to put them into care. I knew at that moment that I needed to protect the DCs from him. Yes life was difficult, but the realisation that he would give up on them was a wake up call. We got through that (DC didn't go into care - no way was that going to happen) and it took me a few years to get to the position where I was employable enough to support myself and the DCs, but something inside me clicked into place with that incident and for me things were never the same again - I made it my mission to ensure I could support us if need be. He left in the end for an OW, and I was relieved. We are not financially as comfortable, certainly not as comfortable as him but we are very comfortable compared to lots of people and I am happier than I can remember. The DC concerned has no idea, how could you tell a child that? and has grown up to be an amazing person, works hard, plays hard, honest and loyal. A total delight to live with - but he doesn't get to experience that as life with the OW was more attractive.

I wonder if there is some particular reason for this happening, the visiting no strings sites.

We didn't have any kids, he was firing blanks.

I don't seem to struggle to get a guy to do the nasty ever since the split... and I never made any demands on him, apart from - lets vary sex and try new things - positions, sex toys etc.

he wanted to put them into care? - gasp, I have no words.

I have no idea about the no strings sites - prob some sad mid life crisis. I of course only found out by accident, we were on a break for 3 months, wasn't sure if he loved me, spark had gone, only stayed for children yadeya. Everyone thought he had had a major breakdown, we were so 'happy' the golden couple - same old same old! I think they must all purchase a script from these sites when they pay the extortionate fees.

I am so glad you are more settled and happier now - I am so much happier now too, and the home feels lovely and relaxed - lots of his behaviour I have since discovered was extremely abusive, and he is still trying to continue with that.

When it dawned on me that even though I loved him dearly I did not like the stranger in front of me who told me non-stop lies and only cared about protecting himself. He did not care about the non-stop lies he told me when denying his affair/continuing affair and he did not care about the terrible toll those lies were taking on me. I knew he was lying but he made me feel like I was locked in an asylum trying to prove I was the sane one. When I had proof positive of the lies I knew he was no longer the man I fell in love with and no longer a man I liked. I turned and left him then - who wants to live with a person they don?t actually like and whose actions made it clear I was second best. It's hard to leave someone you love but it's harder still to live with someone you don't like or respect.

For me it was very gradual. ex was my longest relationship of 12 years. In the last two years of our relationship, I recall saying to myself a handful of times, "I won't forgive you for that". They were over such awful things. My sister was dying, had week's to live and we were visiting every weekend (she lived over a hundred miles away). He started complaining about the cost and said we couldn't go. Obviously, I went but what a thing to say when the person you are supposed love and support is broken by grief. Then on the day of her funeral, he was supposed to be a pall bearer. He drove himself as there wasn't room in the mourners' car for him. He was late and when he made an appearance, he was smoking. That was the last time I uttered to myself, I won't forgive you for that. We lasted for another year or so but when I look back, there was no defining moment, it was a gradual thing and the final decision was prompted by an escalation of his appalling behaviour toward me. Once apart, I realised that his bad behaviour was related to his infidelity which had probably been going on for quite some time. (I can't believe that I have just sat and cried as I wrote this - it was all such a long time ago but I guess the hurt stays buried deep within.)

I think for me it was a couple of months ago. We have had problems before but it hadn't occured to me that we would end.
Something shifted a couple of months ago. I'm not sure what. Certainly nothing like other posters have said, no websites, no affair.
I just looked at him one day and realised I had reached the end of my road with him. He isn't a bad person, we just aren't healthy for each other. He still thinks we can work it out, I know we can't. I am slowly putting plans in place to leave.

Bonnie I had the talking about things, then carrying on as normal the next day with XP.

I think it was a gradual thing for me but it was when I realised I felt like I was living my life with a finger on the pause button, just waiting for it to get bad enough to leave so I could start living my real life.

Have you looked on the emotional abuse thread? Sometimes when it's non specific, can't put your finger on what exactly is wrong but something is, it's because your relationship is EA and you've normalised it.

Could I just dispel the myth that putting children into care is 'giving up on them'?

Sometimes parents have to put children into care- to protect their other children is very common reason, sometimes is the only way to access certain services/support too, can only get with LAC status. (I am thinking of situations where young people are being groomed by older people and continuously absconding with them, and need to be put on a secure order to protect them)

I appreciate ionlyfound that may not have been the case in your family.

Saw a therapist (on my own) to work out just that question. Took 5 sessions and was working towards the answer. Then a (relatively mild) incident at a party - really of disrespect to me. I woke in the middle of the night and realised 'that's it, I don't have to put up with this'.

You get a lot of advice to 'keep talking', 'keep communicating' etc, but if you are seriously thinking about ending the relationship, it's then useful not to spend all your time talking to him and telling him what you're feeling/thinking of as options. Find someone that you can talk to outside of the relationship (therapist possibly so that if you decide to stay afterall then you haven't put your confidant into a difficult position - or maybe a v close friend/sister etc).

This way you can work it out in your own mind.

Two things - we weren't getting on - I had a difficult csection and in huge pain. He brought his mother over to stay for 3 weeks and she was backing him and telling me 'he's tired and he works hard'. OK - three weeks after birth - still in much pain - need to do ironing (mil is too busy taking over as 'mum') and I ask if he could set up iron and board for me. He doesn't - I struggle to do it myself - do the ironing and it's all on hangers over doors. I ask him to put his shirts in the cupboards. I'm exhausted and in pain. He sneers 'I'm tired and I work hard' and saunters off.

The second - roughly about the same time - I had a small suspected skin cancer on my face. Found when pregnant - I refused having it taken off when pregnant (as it was a last chance saloon pregnancy). Two weeks after birth I have the appointment to deal with it - he won't drive me and I can't drive because of c-section - have it done - he till this day didn't ask me about the results. It was a cancer but dealt with and long gone now. But he didn't ask the woman who gave him a child if she was OK.

Sadly - still 'together'.

But that's when I realised the marriage was totally unsalvagable. He sometimes wants to 'try again'. No - he needs to try again - much harder - and he's not man enough to do it.

Why are you still with this man, giveitago?