Friendship Dilemma

[KittyMcAllister]

I was just wanting some advice on how (& whether) to proceed with a friendship that I feel may be over.

I have known this woman, who was a near-neighbour of mine, for about four years. In that time we've both had kids and, I thought, became reasonably close friends. However over the last 6 months or so she seems to have become much closer to another mum who also lives on the same street. (I am aware this sounds really petty!!) Anyway it has gone from v regular contact (texting/ calling frequently, meeting up at least weekly, helping each other out), to virtually no contact at all and all of it initiated by me. I know she has been in touch with her other friend though - my house is in between theirs so I've seen them meet up.

Now my friend has moved house and I've hardly heard anything except a general "here's our new address" text. I think I know the answer but is this friendship over? Should I try to salvage it? It seems so bizarre when we were so close - our sons are a similar age, and I felt we had lots in common. I'm turning it over in my mind as I don't know what I've done to cause her to behave this way. I do find it hard to make friends and I would hate to lose what I considered a good friendship.

Any advice appreciated!

I would just send her a nice polite text msg,asking if there is anything wrong? If she is a good friend, and wants you in her life, the same as before she will make the effort to keep in touch more than she has done..She could just be stressed out with moving etc?

Thanks pinkgirl. The friendship had been becoming one-sided for quite a while before she moved though so I'm thinking maybe she just saw it as a clean break?

1. text her and ask if she's free for a coffee sometime and make sure you're being your usual lovely self, asking how she is, having a laugh together. give her every chance to remember how fun it can be to hang out with you. tell her you miss her, be honest (but don't mention the 'other woman' or the fact that you felt jealous). keep the conversation about her - people love to be asked about themselves. also they love it if you confide in them so maybe say to her that you're going to tell her something you've told very few people - flatter her ego kind of thing. you COULD sort of apologise in case you've done anything wrong - but no need really as you definitely haven't

1. make new different friends. friendships come and go. the rock solid ones stay and they are the ones you want to spend time and energy on.

if she's still being weird after you have that coffee i'd focus on number 2 and try to forget about her and just accept that she's a bit flaky and not someone to be relied on

Bump?

I think if it was already a bit one-sided and it was you always contacting her, unless you are prepared to keep that up long-term, I'd be inclined to see it as on the slide. It might be worth checking she wasn't just really busy, by texting her asking if she wants to come over/meet up at her new house, if she makes an excuse, just leave it, but if she seems keen, then I'd go with that.

As for watching if she's out with other people, that has to stop. Friends work best when you generous, not a bit possessive and don't have too high expectations, perhasp she clicked better with this other mum and that is allowed.

I agree with Change that making other friends is the way forward, and one or two will end up really good friends who can't wait to have you over if they move.

Having said that, she did let you know her new address when she could have just left it, so I would text and see if she wants to get together, if not, no big deal, just move on and meet other mums (this one sounds very much a 'convenient' friendship as you lived close, but often these just end when that convenience stops).

Thank you Mumsy, that seems sensible. I know I was being petty about the other mum but it was hard to avoid as sometimes they'd stand & chat right in front of my house! I will just text her & make it seem quite casual. I guess I'm just quite insecure about these things but it's not worth stressing over, I won't take it personally!

Oh I remember girls like this. Funny that they would chat in front of your house, isn't it?

Don't text her - she's playing mind games and may well reel you back in only to dump you again.

Yes OP just put it down to one of those things and don't initiate any more contact.

Not remotely weird for two neighbours with little children in common to chat, they both lived either side of the OP, what were they supposed to do, rush indoors in case anyone saw them chatting? People do stop, chat, in the street, outside where they live (well, between the two of them).

The point is not to watch and get caught up in what others are up to. If she's not that interested, just move on. Sometimes people hit it off more than you, that's the way life goes.

Thanks for all your replies. I am two minds now. I am aware I do sound a bit like a jilted lover! It really is strange because if you met her you really wouldn't think she was like this, but maybe she feels it's best to maintain one close 'mum' friendship well rather than two less well IYSWIM. I just keep thinking back to how close we were and find it hard to understand what's happened. Our sons really get on, and mine has been asking to see hers. I think I will leave it a while, give her the benefit of the doubt about moving house, being busy etc and possibly just text her in a bit on the pretext of my DS wanting to see hers. But I won't make any special effort and I'll try not to be too disappointed if her response is lukewarm. Thanks again x

You can be friends with people in lots of different ways, depending on circumstances, common interests and compatibility of your schedules. Some friends you might be able to see regularly and often, but with others this might not be possible. This doesn't make them bad people and doesn't always mean they are not worthy of your time and attention when you do see them!

Think about yourself and your family first of all, mentally move your close friend to a different category ('people I see when I can') and keep inviting her to larger gatherings (parties, playdates etc) so that she's included in your social circle but at the same time you don't have to rely on her presence. If there's a good reason why you should become closer again, then at some point you will.

In terms of children's relationships, ask your DS who else he would like to invite, and then invite several children at once, so that if your ex-friend's boy can't make it or doesn't turn up, it doesn't become a big deal.

Focus on what YOU can do, not what she should or shouldn't be doing.

I made friends with Mums when I had my DS and then I moved away and despite tryng to stay in touch e have all drifted apart. I don't think it is anything personal, just that lives move on and unfortunately sometimes you have a friend for 2 minutes at a bus stop, sometimes a year like when you have a baby and sometimes friends are for life. It is a shame when you feel left behind but it isn't necessarily a case of her 'having a clean break' or what not, just life taking her in a different direction to you.

Ok so I felt I should post an update. My friend texted me yesterday and we meant up for coffee this afternoon, and it turns out she HAD been sending me texts but her phone wasn't working properly so I never got them and she thought I was blanking her! So it was all just a case of crossed wires. I feel awful but relieved! Blooming modern technology!

Oh thats nice to know!

Great! That was a surprise happy ending!