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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Could some one talk to me about the books by Shirley Glass, where to start?

17 replies

PissyDust · 12/07/2012 21:41

I have seen these books recommended time and time again and I would like to read them, just had a look on EBay and there are quite a few.

Am I looking at the right thing?

Which one should I read first, do they run in an order?

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 12/07/2012 22:03

As far as I am aware there is only one book - Not Just Friends and its about infidelity.

I wonder if you got her mixed up with Lundy? Lundy specialises in abusive relationships.

MadAboutHotChoc · 12/07/2012 22:04

As far as I am aware there is only one book - Not Just Friends and its about infidelity.

I wonder if you got her mixed up with Lundy Bancroft? He specialises in abusive relationships.

Original poster
PissyDust · 12/07/2012 22:19

Thank you mad nt just friends is what I am looking for, you can't buy that on eBay in the uk?

I'm worried about DH and a friendship at work so I thought the book might help me express my concerns, have you read it?

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 13/07/2012 07:44

Yes I have read it and it is one of the most recommended books on here for a good reason.

Try Amazon.

Looksgoodingravy · 13/07/2012 10:19

I bought mine recently from Amazon and it helped and is still helping me greatly, it will help you with what you're currently going through.

Looksgoodingravy · 13/07/2012 10:20

Sorry, I did see it on Amazon but I've got it on iBooks through my iPhone, bad memory.

Abitwobblynow · 13/07/2012 13:05

Pissy, is this 'friendship' under wraps at work? Would he get into trouble if it were found out (ie boss/underling thing)? Could it be a firing offence?

Go onto lindajmacdonald.com and download 'what will you become?' (about £7). Then, put it into a brown envelope, get someone at the post office to write out the address, mark it 'P +C' and send it.

This open letter (to the betrayer) about the damage done to family and self is the most direct kick to the bollocks I have ever read.

I had no idea, of his behaviour or it's existence. But if I had done this to my H, he would have absolutely wet himself.

The trouble with Shirley Glass is, although she describes it really well, there i an assumption of reasonableness. I have discovered that when they are addicted (to the whole flirting goo goo thing), there is absolutely nothing YOU, the problem, can do or say. The person who should read Shirley Glass is them, and they don't.

Looksgoodingravy · 13/07/2012 13:12

Brilliant idea Abitwobbly, may even look at this myself, I do think that the Shirley Glass book is useful though to the OP.

Original poster
PissyDust · 13/07/2012 19:31

Thank you Abit that is probably a very good idea.

It is some one at work and DH is the boss so to speak. I have had a strange feeling for ages and had a sneak at his phone, he deletes EVERYTHING but I found a double meaning messages he sent one she sent one and then he sent one back, he must have forgotten to delete them but he has deleted everything since I saw them. I think he knows I took a look some how Sad

I have downloaded a sample of not just friends for now, will have to wait for payday to buy it, I asked at the library today but they don't stock it.

Thank you for all the replies.

OP posts:
Original poster
PissyDust · 13/07/2012 19:40

Great, another phone call to let me know he is with a friend having a drink and won't be home till late.

It really isn't looking great, perhaps I won't be needing any books after all.

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 13/07/2012 20:59

So sorry - it does sound very dodgy.

we are here for you if you need any advice x

Original poster
PissyDust · 13/07/2012 21:33

Thanks mad, I've had my head in the sand for years I think and after a few less years reading MN I'm finally realising sweeping it under the carpet isn't really working for me Sad

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 13/07/2012 22:32

No it never does work - it often comes back to bite you on the bum Sad

what do you want to do?

The only thing that may work is to burst the fantasy fuelled affair bubble and that means telling him you know.

Original poster
PissyDust · 13/07/2012 23:41

What do I want to do, what can I do?

I have a job, car, home and comitments that revolve around DH. I wouldn't be able to work without my car and I couldn't afford it all alone.

I don't understand how anyone can start again?

I have asked him in the past and he lies to me, I just wish he would spill so I could find out if we could start again,there is nothing left here I just feel I have my head in the sand and he is waiting for me to uncover him Sad

OP posts:
sternface · 13/07/2012 23:56

If you're already talking yourself into forgiving him and starting again before his affair has been discovered, you are ceding all your power in this relationship and as an individual in your own right.

What this amounts to is that you don't trust your husband and think he's been lying to you for years.

So although this might seem obvious, whether he's having an affair right now is a bit irrelevant, because this is not a good relationship and you deserve more.

I always understand it if people say they need 'proof' because for some reason, many women think they need a very strong reason for leaving a relationship that's no longer making them happy. I wish they didn't feel like that, but there it is.

But it doesn't sound like even when you get that 'proof' you would leave.

Please don't see any affair as an isolated act. No affair ever is. It is often the final manifestation of a shedload of selfish behaviours that a partner has tolerated and overlooked.

You'd be so much better off using your energies on gaining some financial independence ahead of a split. Never ever stay in a relationship because you think you can't survive on your own. You can and you will.

And don't think you need to find a smoking gun to end a relationship that doesn't make you happy any longer.

Original poster
PissyDust · 14/07/2012 00:18

Sternface I'm not a cryer but I am crying now, I'm a mess, I have started a sorry thread tonight because I know I have been a pest in here tonight.

I also know I need to give it a rest tonight but I will read all the posts again tommorow and you are right Sad

I thought DH was home but I was wrong and he still isn't here . How do people manage DC. DH and life/work whilst making a break?

I can't believe how sad I feel right now.

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 14/07/2012 08:08

Lots of women manage on their own.

You deserve to be happy.

Your DC deserve a happy home - they will be modelling their future relationships on your marriage.

If I were you, I would take some practical steps by seeing a solicitor to find out your legal and financial rights as a single parent.

You could find out what tax credits etc you are entitled to by going to CAB.

Look for copies of statements, pay slips and other financial information.

You only have one life left and you need to take control - what if he suddenly leaves you, leaving everything in a mess?

Good luck x

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