Am I bad or wrong for feeling the way I do?

[Justsofedup]

I am in a dark place right now.

dh lost job and my job only just scapes bills so we are now selling house.

What hurts is my parents doing nothing to help.

They are divorced, both millionaires. We only asked for £400pcm as a temporary measure to help meet living costs they refuse.

What has been playing in my mind this whole time is That in the divorce my mum told the court she wanted to buy me a house to justify asking for 70% of assets.

In reality she bought a 600k property for herself and boyfriend. They have two other properties too totally about £1.2 million.

I tried to push it out of my mind as we were just recovering from not speaking for 3 years after she betrayed me in other ways and didnt want any more fall outs.

I know we are grown ups and its our problem if we cant keep our home and never really expected any help.

But what I did hope for, was just during this difficult time she would help a bit. Its feels so morally wrong to me she claimed she would buy a house, spent it on herself and now lets her family lose our home.

I couldnt take it anymore and felt I couldnt keep quiet about how hurt I was sge used my name in court.

I knew she would be so angry so I was cowardly and texted her. She replied it was none of my business what she used her divorce money for and the law says you dont need to be responsible for kids after 18.

Im probably coming across as greedy but I honestly never expected house (i didnt even know she had told the court that until recently) but hurt as I feel used and now adandonded.

I thought she would use this is a chance to show she has changed after what she did to me in the past.

Am in a low place right now, so maybe Im seeing her actions as wrong when really its me who is wrong?

i dont think you are wrong. as a daughter and as a mother, i cant see it from your dm's pov.

if you were constantly living beyond your means and fully expecting her to bail you out each time- i could understand- regardless of whether she is a millionaire or not.

but from what you have written, it seems this is a one off. i think the problem does lie with you though, in that you expect her to behave differently than all the ways she has behaved before. that she keeps letting you down.

i would seriously look into finding out, whether if she has claimed in court to buy you a house, whether she is in fact legally obliged to? that would knock some smugness out of her.

im sorry but she doesnt sound like a good mother, or even a nice person.

i hope your situation changes soon.

What about your dad?

No I don't think you are wrong, she sounds horrid. I have no idea how much you earn, but can you claim tax credits or anything to tide you through? Seems an awful shame to sell your house for a hopefully temporary situation, maybe ask mortgage lender for a holiday? Sorry if I am stating the obvious.

Sassy

I think you are right I keep expecting her too change inspit of all the evidence.I keep hoping she will prove she truly loves me.

I have ever got the point Im creating Fantasy parents in my head how sad is that?

Kinky my dad is also a whole sad tale in itself. I guess I have been clinging to one last hope my mum is the good parent. But my mum lying in court was just eating away at me but I was too afraid to face it.

justfedup.

there are loads of threads on here about toxic mothers. i have no experience as i have a good one- with faults obviously- but would die/walk over hot coals for me and db. and id like to think ive modelled her for my dcs.

but im pretty sure they can help you. there is a support thread about toxic parents, called something along the lines of 'but we took you to stately homes'

i know its not a nice thing to do, but if you really are in such a bad way, can you face consulting a solictor to see your rights about the house claim ?

i know it must be hard to go against the woman whogive birth to you, but she is totally uninterested in looking out for you in your darkest time. if you have dc's i would be a lioness and think about doing it for their sake.

Is that how you would define them as "toxic parents".

I heard the term but wasnt sure.

You are so very, very lucky to have a mother like that. Do you think she would adopt me?!

sorry justfedup i dont know enough about them or parents that are considered toxic to offer up a definition- didnt mean to define them as such. i just meant that there is a support thread on parents who downright treat them awfully dont support/treat them in the way that is traditionally expected. they or you will be able to decide if they are indeed toxic.

i think my mum would probably say she has enough problems with me, db and 4 grandkids.

Thank you sassy. I suppose Im looking for a label hoping it may help me understand "why".

They tell me Im just over sensitive, so I dont even know if its me with the issues or them anymore :(

start a new thread with toxic mother? as the title, and tell your story again, including the insensitive remark and any other times you fell out- if you feel you can divulge obviously.

you will get posters who have toxic parents and who will be able to help you label them, if they are toxic.

Thanks Sassy. Im not feeling quite strong enough yet but I think I will follow up your suggestion. Thanks for listening :)

It does sound like a toxic parent issue, as sassy says - there is a lot of advice on here about it. Someone on MN once recommended 'Toxic Parents: Overcoming their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life' to me on here and once I read it I found it really helpful.

I never thought my parents were 'toxic' as I had a generally happy childhood but it was the whole growing up and becoming an adult concept that my parents have particular difficulty with (me having my own DS, even though I'm in my 30s, kind of short-circuited their brains at one point ). The book is great at going through examples of the different ways in which parents let their kids down and how you can work to overcome it and cut the ties if necessary.

It sounds like your mother doesn't really deserve you in her life. Just leave the next contact up to her and keep your distance from now on If she's aware of the full extent of your current problems and doesn't care, then she's not worth the trouble.

How nasty. My friends husbands mum is a millionaire and always complains if they ask to borrow a bit, but at least she let's them!
I can't see why your mum would say no except to spite you, it would obviously be like pennies to her. Def find out if using you as an excuse in court means she has to buy you a house.
Why won't you dad lend you any? (although it should be give!)
No one deserves huge wealth, they obviously think they do but are just selfish twats.

Hi there fedup, here's a link to the stately homes thread that someone else was talking about. If you feel up to it, post on this thread and ask for people's opinions. You won't get flamed for saying what you would like to say about your parents or family, because at the end of the day, its your feelings that count. I've posted there myself and gotten some very important validation about how I felt about my family.

But-We-Took-You-To-Stately-Homes-Survivors-of-Dysfunctional-Families

Hope this helps.

She sounds like a selfish, self-absorbed bitch, tbh. So sorry that she couldn't be a decent mother to you - while I don't agree with parents helping their DC out willynilly, I do think that they should do so in times of hardship. My sister has had several of these, and my parents have always helped her out, even when they have barely been able to do so - so it disgusts me to hear of someone like your "mother" who has so much and gives nothing to help.

I hope you do go and find some more help in dealing with your feelings around this woman, because it doesn't sound like she will ever change or live up to your hopes for her as a mother - and you may, if you haven't already done so, have to "grieve" for the mother you never had. :(