Lovely guy, am I making a mistake?

[ungratefulinlove]

I have been divorced from my ex-h for 3 years, and have dd who is 7 and ds who is 4. I have been seeing a lovely new man who I met online for 8 months. He is kind, thoughtful and considerate, and has been great with my kids although he has none of his own. We have quite a bit in common in terms of our worldviews, and the first six months had lots of fun spending time together. I introduced him to family and friends, who all liked him and were happy for me. I must admit I really enjoyed doing the kind of things you do in a relationship again - going out for dinner, someone to cook for and share a bottle of wine with, dog walks, going to parties as a couple etc. And great sex! I wondered if I might have met someone I would stay with in the long term.

The problem I have is that in the last 2 months I seem to have gone off him. He has not done anything differently and he has been very understanding when I have asked if we can take things a bit more slowly. My feelings started to change gradually, but we went for a 2 day camping trip a few weeks ago and by the end of it I was desperate to be alone (with my dc), to the extent that we packed up early in the morning and came back to mine, where I felt totally wired as he sat around the house for several hours while I unpacked, washed etc. Since then I have craved time on my own, and have been very reluctant to spend the small amount of time I have without my dc with him. I have found it difficult to sustain conversations and haven't wanted to have sex or even share a bed with him. It suddenly feels that we have very little to say to each other. He has not got much going on in his life other than work and our relationship. He only really has one friend, whose life he is very overinvolved with, and he doesn't seem to have any real hobbies or interests. The time we have spent together has almost exclusively revolved around my friends and interests - not because I didn't want to join him to do things but because he didn't have anything going on or ideas of things we could do.

We are meant to be going camping for two weeks during the summer holidays, on a trip which I have been planning for a long time, since before we were together. I now really regret asking him to come, and although we have already discussed him just coming for just one week, I feel that even this is too much. Because of this I have pretty much decided that it would be the honest and fair thing to do to end our relationship now.

However I am finding it diffiult to follow through with this in case I am making a mistake in throwing away a relationship with a lovely guy who most single mums would be lucky to meet. On the one hand, I wonder if I just find him boring and we are not as compatible as I thought at first, so our relationship has run its course. On the other I think he is a lovely guy who has been good to me and gets on with my kids, and I am somehow sabotaging our relationship because I am afraid of commitment after the end of my marriage.

I feel I can't see the wood for the trees any more - advice gratefully received!

Ask yourself how you will feel (and try and answer honestly) if he were to pitch up at yours tomoroww and say that he didn't want to see you again. If the ball were taken out of your court and he wanted to end it. If you are not that bothered then i suppose you have your answer.

Do you think you might just be self preserving or is there something irritating about him? Do you wonder if maybe holding back on the "family" stuff might help? Do you see him as a father figure for your children? (i suspect not) or are you worried about that?

He sounds lovely, but if there is no spark it would be unfair, on both of you to continue.

Maybe you should tell him how you feel, see how he reacts and just see what happens?

Thanks for taking the time to reply. Good question - I think I would feel mostly relief, tinged with a bit of regret - which makes me think I am just finding it hard to take responsibility for the decision rather than making the wrong decision. I am finding aspects of his behaviour intensely irritating (very set in routines, cautious, repeats himself constantly, and can sit for long periods of time during the day with his eyes shut?!!) - but I know we all have irritating habits and if otherwise I was happy they wouldn't bother me.
I have tried to keep him separate from the kids as much as possible since having doubts, which has helped, as I was initially very worried about a negative impact on them. But they haven't really noticed that he hasn't been around. I definitely am not looking for a father figure, as their dad is in their lives and I think it is more important to support their relationship with him. But having said that I probably did have an idealised vision of a 'two adult' family as somehow preferable to a 'one adult' one. Now I'm not so sure, as this relationship has reminded me of a lot of the things that are good about being on your own! But the grass is always greener...
We have talked about my doubts to an extent but not fully - he has been very patient and said all the right things, and doesn't seem fazed. He is very calm and easygoing!

I think self preserving is a good phrase Lucy. I felt like this and still do, to a certain extent. I am unable to fall head over heels (too busy digging my heels in!)

I love me time with my DC. I like seeing DP but am not sure fulltime would work. I will never compromise on my life again so i do need a DP to be perfect and I don't think one exists

Cool it down and just see how you feel when you see less of each other?

I should think that if things are irritating you at this stage it doesn't bode well. You're right, we all do irritating things but when you are "in love" and you should still be in that heady stage, the irritating things are quirks rather than irritations. I coudlnt be doing iwth the sat with his eyes shut crap either. He doesn't sound very motivated. Maybe suggest a "break"

It sounds like the relationship has run it's natural course. There is nothing wrong with that and it doesn't need to end in a nasty way.

I remember my first relationship after my divorce. Had had a great fun 6 months, a week away from going on holiday with kids and BF when I suddenly thought ''I don't want him to come on holiday'. It just didn't feel right all of a sudden. It was horribly awkward telling him I did not want him to come, he got upset and told everyone that he had dumped me! It was the right thing for me to do and I was hugely relieved that I was brave enough to do it. He was nice, he just wasn't right (wish I had realised that before marrying STBXH number 2!)

Be brave and enjoy your camping trip with your kids.

Thanks everyone. I have had exactly that thought about 'quirks' versus 'irritating habits'! Essentially just a different take on the same behaviour depending on how positive or negative you feel about the person...
It's curiously reassuring minmooch to hear from someone else who has pulled the plug on a joint holiday at the last minute. It feels hugely preferable to things coming to a head in a tent 600 miles from home and explaining to the kids why dp is no longer there. I think a 'break' may be the way to go - I have my lovely holiday with the kids, and time to reflect and maybe even miss him, and he has the opportunity to do some things on his own which we can talk about when we get back!

Bloody hell, he sounds tedious. Probably not malevolent in any way, just utterly boring (no friends, no hobbies, sitting there like a mouldy turnip for hours on end). It would drive me up the wall.

Basically, it's fine to dump someone you don't want to be with any more, just be polite about doing so. It's not compulsory to have a partner and it's never a good idea to stay with a partner who is a reasonable human being but who you are simply sick of.

Here's ten quid that says he doesn't do some things you can talk about when you get back!

SGB the mouldy turnip analogy is so apt, thank you for making me laugh out loud!! He is certainly not malevolent, I wouldn't be making such a meal of this if he was . Hopefully I can be grown up about it and articulate the way I feel without calling him a mouldy turnip.

I do agree it's not compulsory to have a partner, and I think having a relationship again has reminded me that it is fun with the right person but not the be all and end all.
IB - I did wonder if, subconsciously, leaving him to it for a couple of weeks was a bit of a test - I would be delighted if he picked up his tent and had an adventure of his own!
Thank you for giving such sound advice, I feel quite energised by it and I think I may have a plan!

I remember having similar feelings with my future DH. One day he was irritating me so much, I made some feeble excuse and left the house..ran actually. I walked the streets just to have some space.

A bit like you, a so wanted things to work...everything seemed to be so right, but deep down I knew there were things that really annoyed me about DH. I pushed them aside, but I wonder if I should have paid more attention to my instincts. Having said that, I was trying to look at the big picture and I figured nothing was ever perfect. We are now divorced but only because we didn't have so much in common in the end.

Not sure what to say, except don't settle for something that is going to annoy you in the long run. It's not better to have someone nice but irritating than nobody. Make sure you are making the right decision...it does sound like it might have run its course though.

Just to update those who kindly offered advice - which pretty much confirmed what I was thinking already. I have talked to dp this eve and told him I would like us to have a break, get together after the hol (about 6 weeks time) and see how we feel then. He was obviously expecting it and had been thinking about it himself - he was kind and thoughtful as he is, we talked for a bit and he has now gone on his way. Feels like the right thing - the only thing to do in the short term really as going camping together with the kids was the wrong thing in lots of ways. Thanks mumsnetters.

Ah, glad it went well, who knows what will happen (im an old romantic really) after a break. He does sound lovely, but if its not to be, its not to be.