Sex or the complete lack of it - I am TOO YOUNG for this!

[mmmerangue]

Since being pregnant my partner and I have had very infrequent and standard sex... not unsatisfactory, just 'does the job' and not much more. In the last few months it has become non-existant. We are only 24! Feel like I will be buying twin beds before 30 at this rate :/ We are otherwise happy (at least from my perspective) and kiss, cuddle and snuggle on the couch a lot. But it never seems to go further any more.

While pregnant I felt seasick for pretty much the whole 9 months. We conceived when he was visiting me at University to see my final show, literally the best sex I think we have ever had and the closest we have ever been. But since I came home pregnant and rough with it, I did a lot of saying no, which he never pushed. I think I said it so much it kind of put him off trying to seduce me (we had sex maybe 3-4 times while I was pregnant) and since our son was born it has not really ever picked up. He's now 16 months old and I am about ready to scream; could count the times we have had sex since birth on my fingers. I think the last time we did was around my birthday - March =(

He makes no effort to seduce me any more. Normally by the end of a long day we are both tired and just want to veg out; but I feel like sometimes he is looking at me like 'should I suggest it?' and then he just doesn't. I don't expect him to make all the effort but most of the times we have had sex 'Since Children' has been the result of me making a very obvious attempt 'yes dear, tonight I have seamed stockings on and that means we shall have sex.' Which he likes but why should I have to do it every time?! It's like he expects me to say no every time unless I have made a stand-out effort.

The last attempt I made was a much more half-arsed one. Had a few glasses of wine and in Thunder-storm weather asked if he would prefer to be more or less sweaty. He went for less :/ apparently it was too hot for that kind of vigourous activity!

How do you maintain a romantic, frequent, and varied (! Not sure thats the right word. Bit sick of being legs akimbo on the sofa though. Bedroom is too noisy will wake the child. Babysitting doesn't happen often enough and is usually an excuse to see friends rather than be together.) sex life... Before downstairs becomes a graveyard instead of a lady garden!

He sounds like he is a very considerate DP who has just got out of the habit of initiating sex so I'm afraid it is up to you to get things back to how you want them!

If you think he is sometimes thinking of asking you why on earth don't you make it clear you are up for it??? He's not a mind reader and he may not want you to feel he is putting you under pressure - which is a good thing. So forget about subtlety (some blokes are amazingly dense, I had to jump my OH to make him realise I liked him!) and be more direct, even tell him straight out that you are ready to resume swinging from the chandeliers!

This is a clear problem of communication, I bet this could all be resolved with a conversation, just tell him what you've typed here.

Yep. Communication, and yes, blokes need to be shown/told rather than you expecting him to just 'know'. But it can be difficult to initiate if you get out of the habit. My suggestion is to break out the baby oil & offer him a massage. Worked for us

although we are now back to never doing it but that's another story

You need to be brave and tell him that you would like a) more sex and b) him to take the initiative.

Say it nicely, drop in that you find him very attractive, sexy etc.

Are you sure that going upstairs would wake your toddler though? Unless he is in the same room or you are exceptionally loud it should be ok.

How do you feel about yourself since the birth op? Obviously its tiring but I know I felt unsexy after having DC. It definitely affected my sex life.

We both wanted it but there was always an excuse not to. I realised it was because I felt crap so would avoid it. Then we got stuck in a rut.

Since I joined the gym I've got my mojo back and then some. Started off with me initiating sex with DP. Now he's unstoppable.

I'm knackered today because the horny sod wouldn't leave me alone last night. It's wonderful!

Just a thought!

Thanks ladies.

He positively hates massages, but I'm sure I could find another way. Will probably break out the stockings again and try to talk to him about it in the post-coital haze (cos I am a chicken, buk buk buk buk buk.)

It's not even upstairs, we're in a flat with paper-thin internal walls and DS sleeps very lightly (we can wake him up with a creaking floorboard, never mind squeaking the springs for half an hour!)

I have the same problem, though not as young as you I am still too young to give up on my sex life. I sympathise completely.

sadly communication has not made a jot of difference. I have told him I want more, asked him to make the effort and seduce me at some point and still the years go by with no effort from him. I always have to be the one to do something, dress up, wear sexy undies and then he will be up for it. But he will never ever initiate and I don't know why. It makes me feel as though I must be very unattractive. Hopefully this will work out differently for you and there's plenty of hope from the other posters above. I will watch this thread with interest.

To be blunt - a Hollywood wax!

You need to talk to him. Just be honest, and try not to judge. We're not chuffing mind readers.

NicholasTeakozy what about a man who never initiates sex? I can remember the last time he did and it was 2007, and it was brought on by me flashing my bum at him on the stairs. I don't really expect you to be able to answer for him, and I probably wouldn't like the answer anyway.

OP sorry for the hijack, I do think you need to talk to your partner in the first instance. Any chance little one can go away for a night, to help with the stagefright?

We can probably donate DS to grandparents one night at the weekend but not the next couple as I work in bar and we have two busy weekends coming up... I was hoping to get some action tonight but now he will be home late (trust bosses - the one night I have off, he has overtime :/)

Frustrated I feel we are on the same page, getting dolled up is a pain in the arse to be frank, and while it does get the message across quickly it would be nice to feel sexy in my boring mummy pants too sometimes... Sorry that the conversation angle didn't work out, maybe you need to have it again? We have talked about it before but always in a bit of a jokey way (I think that we are perhaps being a bit teenagery still but going 'lets have sex now' seems a bit un-romantic and blunt).

I have no idea Frustrated, but I can certainly understand your NN.

I'm sure we'll have the conversation again at some point, he always agrees but then nothing changes. Sex just doesn't seem important to him, at least not with me. I am always agog when I see threads on here about partners who pester their wives/girlfriends for sex daily. I wish I could be pestered once a month.

Hopefully you can both get your groove back, pregnancy and babies do put the dampeners on things. Plus your schedules seem to make it harder to get time together. I feel completely unqualified to give you any advice, given my situation!

I think I possibly need to start my own thread at some point, see if anyone can advise me on what to do next. It's really depressing to write it down, I've not told anyone in real life. Sometimes I feel like it will burst out of me, but the truth is I'm too ashamed to tell anyone my husband doesn't want to have sex with me. I'm really not awful or anything, I work out, love clothes and keep myself groomed mostly but it doesn't make a difference.
Again mmmerangue sorry for the hijack, good luck!

AtLeast I think I skimmed/missed you last time round sorry! Wish I had the time for gym :/ we are both generally knackered but I don't feel 'unattractive' just unmotivated... tired... and kind of like it should be his turn now, even if I have scared him off!

I am pretty much back in pre-pregnancy form and was a few months after birth, athough BFing has ravaged my boobs a bit. Quite like my stretchmarks in fact, they are badges of honour in my eyes even if not very 'sexy' :P . I am not really one for pampering and makeup and all that girly rubbish.

Did a mini counselling session (3 hours over 3 weeks courtesy of health centre) and basically all my neuroses were around having time together, time as a family and time for ourselves, feel this could all be achieved with a coke habit or ignoring every other night's sleep...

Oh frustrated, lets just sigh and humph and cross our legs forever... haha. don't think you are hijacking we just have the same problem!!

There have been several similar threads on this, so don't be ashamed its not all that uncommon and you're certainly not alone. I've noticed other threads pick up the possibility for asexuality, have a google and see if it rings any bells; some people just don't have any sexual desire which although is frustrating to the partner, it's deemed just another orientation.

Well, if you're in the mood tonight and he's working late, why don't you send him a few suggestive texts, letting him know what's waiting for him? Have a glass of wine or a nice hot bath and wait for him to race home!

Was indeed bedded last night. Feel much better. Not exactly hard to get him wound up lol ;) Just have to get him to do the winding up now...

Went out with someone at school who I'm fairly sure is asexual and that ain't a problem we've got ... thank god!