How do I stop being hurt by my father and his wife?

[onlytheone]

Long history to this one. Basically Dad went off with at age of 60 after long affair (huge shock to family). Dad now 78 and sees me and DD every 2-3 weeks at ours. Lives 6 miles away and only once in two years have we been invited round. It seems his wife feels not involved but never comes with him or never askes us round. If I offer to drop in on way somewhere I feel they make excuses of being busy etc. When pg with DD they made a big fuss as long awaited baby.His wife has young grandchildren and they are treated more like family that us. Always round there and for xmas, easter etc. We do not get asked and they even refused to come to us at Christmas (for lunch, tea whatever they fancied). My brother fell out big time with them 3 years ago because of no interest in the grandchildren and it resulted in no contact with his children. I am sort of afraid I am now being pushed out and that his wife is deliberately making things difficult. My DD adores her Grandpa and I feel they are looking for excuses to get rid of us too. They refused to go to my brother's wedding 15 years ago because they were offended by the correct term of address on the envelope and refused to come to my wedding party (we were married abroad). The night before my daughter's christening, they said they couldn't make it!!! After some straight talking from me, they came. All his wife's daughter's life events have been cherished occasions and they seem to do everything to please her and her children. We seem to get the left overs every time. I know they aren't worth worrying about but he was such a great Dad (I was 24 when he left). I feel he sees us because he can't say goodbye to us. He even told me his wife's daughter thought of him as a Dad (fantastic for her). My mum died 9 years after he left (of a broken heart). I know he feels guilty and we are probably just reminders but 18 years after he went I still feel so disappointed and hurt. Why can't he let his grandaughter into his home?

Once you can stop seeking his approval you might feel better. After a difficult time with my mum I've left it to her to contact me - which she doesn't - I have to get on & be happy I'm not like her. Best wishes xxx

Thanks for that. You know, I think you are right - I am looking for his approval and never gives it. Nothing I do is good enough.

Onlytheone... I havent really got any advice/ knowledge to give, but wanted to say that your daughter is lucky to have such a caring, loving mother. You are obviously very hurt and disappointed at the lack of interest that your father is paying and are trying hard to resolve the issue for your daughters sake. I cant imagine what it must be like for you, especially having lost your mother too. I really hope your father realises what he's missing and is able to overcome this. Hope things work out for you

The terrbly sad thing is that if you don't keep working at it you may lose him altogether. I don't want to slag men off here but it seems that it is usually the women in most families who do the work of keeping the family 'glue' sticky. Your father's wife clearly works at her family glue and perhaps subconsciously sees you and your dd as competition for her family (her natural priority) whereas your dad (like many men) just lets his wfe make the decisions when it comes to visits etc Your father probably doesn't even realise that this is an issue for you at all. Perhaps he has some old fashioned ideas that a mother's bond with a daughter is more important than a father's.

Can you try talking to your dad alone without his wife? Tell him that you feel hurt, that you want to be part of his new family and that if he doesn't make a stand he will lose you and your dd because you feel pushed out. Then leave the ball in his court...

Thanks bumbybel and shimmy21. I am just afraid if I raise the issue he will say something else to hurt me. I know this sounds wimpy but it hurts so deep. He is defensive of what he has done and is definitely doing everything to please his new family. I think his wife has given up totally on us now she has new grandchildren of her own and I do believe he is trying his best to see us without causing ripples with his new family. I think I do have to keep working at it, as he is fairly opinionated and would not take any criticism lightly! I just feel robbed of a Dad and grandfather for my daughter. However, I know so many men and women and children are in much worse situations. I am mature and had a great childhood.

ooh as soon as I read this thread I sat up, as my dad and his wife are visiting tomorrow and I am nervous because he is also opinionated, defensive and had a long affair with current wife! Spooky!
My immediate thought about the wife not being friendly/welcoming is that she feels guilty or awkward - having been the 'other woman' for so many years - could this be the case? Doesn't excuse her behaviour but maybe it helps to think that she isn't being consciously mean and excluding.
My other thought was that your dad probably isn't aware of how he's behaving and when he says stuff about his 'other' family he doesn't realise it cuts to the quick. It's certainly the case with my dad. He gave his adult stepson a picture I painted as a teenager (which had been hanging in the family home for years) to hang in his grungy pub. I wasn't pleased when I saw it there! But they don't do stuff deliberately to hurt you... Just tactless and muddling through.
Last thought: You're doing fab and hang on in there!

i feel for you too.This happened to me too.I am 36 now and it dosen't stop you wanting your daddy does it.My dads third wife finds me a threat i think.She has 6 children of her own and they and their children seem to be all that matter to him.They are family and my brothers and i sre outsiders.No photos of us in their house and loads of all her family.Broke my heart when i saw a picture of his two step granddaughters in his wallet.I cryed my eyes out.
His wife makes bitching comments all the time and i have been pushed out.It is like he is brainwashed.
Now i don't feel so bad and i tell you what i done.I nolonger obcess about hoping my dad will be the kind of dad i long for.He never will be.I put all my energy into loving my own children.My dad acually feels that his own mother dsen't love him.Feel like saying hey dad you have children of your own to make sure they know you love them.Not gonna repeat history.
Hopw that makes sense but it really helps me to see it like that.So what i do still see him from time to time and i do have relapses every now and again but i am a grown women with a family off my own.They are not gonna miss out either.

How are you onlytheone?

is there any way you can make her into a friend rather than 'the other woman'?

I think women do direct men (especially of that generation) and your presence is probably uncomfortable for her .. easier to ignore you

I agree that if you don't keep working at it you will lose him ..

that's spooky overdraft. my dad exactly the same, 3yrs after mom died he remarried a, erm, let's say woman-she ain't no lady- she was nice to start with, but has since showed her true colours. when i lived back in walsall, they had the check to come round to myhome shouting the odds at me saying i hadn't been down to moms grave for ages when i'd only just been down the previous week! when i went back up to see grandad, i went to see 1of moms friends and hea just lives round the corner from her. anyway, he refused - he won't even acknowledge her cos apparently we no longer his family and he's just disowned us (sorry. there's 3of us). got really angry and needless to say i no longer hear from him. he even disowned my gdad who he called dad since '79!