My heart is broken

[skippy84]

Warning this could be a long one.

My partner has moved out, we were due to get married next September but he raised several doubts about going ahead and I felt backed into a corner and had to cancel everything.

We have had many problems since a termination early in our relationship. I have been depressed and drinking to self medicate and I realise this is a massive issue which I am trying to address. We have identified that he has many of the charcteristics of a classic co-dependant. Had alcoholism, infidelity and abuse in the family growing up which has left him with a need to fix things and take care of / control people.

I cannot believe what I have become in this relationship, there is a large age gap between us and I was in many ways a carefree 21 year old when we met. I have lost all my independance and become incredably dependant on him. Up untill recently I was so angry and resentful because I wanted for him to make me feel better and he couldnt. In addition he is frequently passive agressive. When I am having a good day its like he feels he can unleash his pent up agression towards me. This is normally done in passive and snide ways which he then denys doing. This further drags me down and makes me more low and upset because I feel so depressed and hopeless that things can ever get better. He is also quite cold towards me in other ways frequently pusing me away if I try to be affectionate and does not display any interest in having a sex life with me.

I recognise my part in this fully, I have become massivly needy and overly emotional and refused to take responsibility for my own happiness. This is something I am trying to work on and something I realise is ultimatley down to me and me only.

We have a two year old son and I want to badly to keep things together for him to grow up with both parents. Though I realise how poisionous a model of relationships this is for him. My heart feels like it is genuinely broken for the first time in my life. My question to you all is, is there any way this can be salvaged. Is it even worth trying. I am doing counselling myself and working on my drinking problem. My partner says he needs individual counselling but was not receptive when he saw my counsellor individually. He says he does not want couples counselling as he feels the things he has to say will upset me too much.

At the moment he has moved out. I am trying to keep working on myself and rebuilding my strength. Is there any hope for this relationship or is it my dependancy that keeps me clinging on?

Thanks for reading

High functioning alcoholic? What is your alcohol intake per week and what is your tipple of choice?

Do you reach for the bottle in the morning to kickstart the day? Are you climbing the walls by lunchtime, or is buying or pouring a drink the first thing you do when you finish work?

Do you have a family history of alcoholicism? Do you smoke?

When did you begin drinking? Were you drinking prior to the conception of your ds? Did you drink throughout your pregnancy? Can you imagine your life without alcohol?

Izzy the only definition of a problem with alcohol, is one where it affects your life and relationships. It is a progressive disease and many alcoholics do not need to drink to kickstart the day, or many of the things you describe, certainly before the very late stages of the progression. But once you have one drink it is hard to not have a second, third... and your primary relationship is with the drink. You will often put it first, or find any excuse to have it.

My X was a "high functioning" alcoholic, and he could do days/weeks without drinking, but it was also the first thing he reached for if he had a bad day, good day, etc etc. It was his way of not feeling emotions and hiding. He never drank in the morning, and never at home (if I was there), and stuck generally to beer. He obsessed with being able to have just one drink. But believe me, he is an alcoholic. Even if he could hold down a job and function well.

I am so wondering what the question about smoking was about though.... or the reasoning behind most of your questions to the OP.

Skippy - again, I may be focusing down too far onto one point but you've given me good reason to - have you addressed the termination in your counselling sessions yet? From what you've said, it could be at least a major contributary cause to quite a lot of the problems here - your guilt, drinking to ease the pain you weren't allowed to show, your DP's inability to let go/move on/allow you to be sad etc.

If you haven't already addressed it, you do need to. I think clearing that "block" may ease a lot of the other problems (not all of them of course and not necessarily) - in that if it is the foundation of your relationship issues, then any work around it that doesn't address it is only going to be cosmetic at best - you need to get right to the bottom and once you clear that block, you'll be able to start again.

Sorry if you have already been through it - but from your posts, it doesn't sound like it's really been dealt with sufficiently, so I think you may have to go back and do more work on it, however painful it is. :(

Thumb I couldn't agree with you more. It is so important (and so difficult) to identify the events or people or behaviour, which are the big 'causes' of depression and other issues like self-medicating, and deal with those appropriately (e.g. through therapy) or make lifestyle changes.

Him saying he 'thought about hurting you' is just as controlling as actually doing it, probably more so if you say you wouldn't stand him actually doing it! If that would be a relationship-breaker, and he knows that, then threatening it or saying he thought about it is just another way to control you...

Just a small point in the grand scheme of things but do not blame yourself for getting emotional and think he was the better person in that situation, he just knew how to make you toe the line without you telling him where to shove it.

Thanks for all the responses.

Izzy, no my drinking is not charcterised by any of those factors, I dont drink in the day and I drank the reccomended amounts during my pregnancy. The fact is though as daffy points out my drinking has caused problems for me and yet I persisted with it and that is, for me, what indicates a real problem. I would drink maybe 4-5 bottles of wine a week, mainly at the weekend. My issues lie in drinking alone to cope with boredom/lonliness. Drinking to celebrate/comiserate/pretty much deal with any strong emotion. The problem is more stopping once I start and I was drinking almost every night to dull the pain of the wedding being cancelled though I have in recent weeks managed to stop this. As daffy says alcoholism is a progressive disease. I have never heard of anyone with a drinking problem who suddenly 'got better'. I realise I am not in the gutter yet but for sure thats where Im headed unless I can remove my unhaelthy dependance on alcohol as an emotional anesthetic. I certainly dont think the notion of me having an alcohol problem is something my partner is using as a device to control me. I think its grounded in fact.

Regarding the termination. I have had counselling for it and I realise that it is certainly a persistent source of guilt and pain for me. Maybe moreso since I had DS because of the lost potential of the other child hitting home. I dont really see what good can come of more couselling for it at this stage. I have reconciled myself that it happened, I dont think Im ever going to not feel badly about it in some way and that cant be changed. I guess in some ways I have accepted the pain and learned to live with it but I dont think it will ever really go away. For along time afterwards I was trying to push my partner away because (as we were only together a few months when it happened) I felt that it might somehow justify my decision if we split up. I think this is where all the bad behaviour such as kissing a colleague & subsequently telling my partner came from. It was like i was challenging him to walk away so I could say 'ha I was right, we could never have had a child, this relationship wouldnt have lasted'. The fact that the relationship has lasted and that we have gone on to have a chils has somewhat intensified my guilt regarding this.

Honestly I dont think there is a hero and a villan in this story. We are just two flawed people who fell in love and spent the last eight years trying to destroy one another. Why then do I feel so afraid of letting go?

Thanks for all the replies, even a week ago I would never have been strong enough to post so honestly about what's been going on so I do feel like I'm making progress

I relate to the afraid of letting go. It is amazing how you can cling on to a relationship, even when you know it is harmful to both of you and as you say you have spent years trying to destroy each other. There is no easy answer, except I have found that after all the work I have done on myself, I am less scared now of a future alone than a future with my x. So that is progress! Same as your honesty here, that is progress and you should be proud of yourself. You sound very grounded and clear.

skippy84..... I have known a few people in what I'll call 'difficult' relationships.

Whilst in those relationships, they were stringently self-critical. They were keenly aware of their failings, and worked tirelessly to fix them. They had many qualities too - but seemed to have no consciousness of them, or any awareness of why someone might be LUCKY to live with them! :)

They all said some variant of the following: 'You don't know what I'm like to live with / I have weight problems / mental health problems / I'm such a flirt with other men / I'm lazy and a slob / I wouldn't like to live with me?.'

....and they were quick to take half the blame for whatever problems were in their relationship.

The next question...
'Does he fully accept his half of the blame? Does he know what his faults are and try to work on them?' The responses to this varied.

I'm not saying this applies to you skippy84. You love your DP and you know him, and we don't. But I can't help asking myself questions when I read what you say.

There are quite a few descriptions of fairly cold and controlling behaviour on his part, in your posts. For example: a termination is a devastating experience for a young woman. You need so much love and support to deal with it. But your older partner pressurised you to get over it and move on. That's not 'fixing' behaviour, that's 'stop bugging me with your pain, I need things too' behaviour (sorry that sounds so harsh).

Getting furious with a partner who cries and imagining hurting them when they do is not, in any way, loving. But very typical, even stereotypical, of what I'll call a 'difficult' man.

I'm sorry to say these painful things at this point, and it may be far too soon to really look at them. So don't feel rushed: you don't have to listen, or respond.

This is your story and your life. And you're doing very, very well, you know.

He has just left for the evening, I have been working late all week so he has been here when I get home every night. We had a talk and I asked him whether he had any inclination whether he wants to work things out. He said he feels nothing, just numb.

In regard to whether he identifies his role in all this I think he genuinely did not unroll I showed him some of the literature on co-dependency. Now he says he has no idea who he is anymore and can see how his lack of self image and focus on controlling everyone else's feelings means he genuinely does not know who he is or what he wants. He says he will be looking for a counsellor next week. It's interesting that he is seeing patterns of these behaviours in all aspects of his life including previous relationships which he said all started well until the girlfriend had some sort of breakdown/addiction issue and the caring got too much so he treated her badly untill she had enough so he was spared the responsibility of breaking up with her and the guilt that comes with it

This makes me so sad because I can see now that this is probably what he has been doing with me but it has just taken him so much longer because we have a child and I am by far the longest relationship he has had.

I have had a little cry after he left and am feeling ok now. I just keep hoping he will say I know we have major issues but lets work on them together. I want him to love me like I love him but instead he feels nothing. Literally nothing. I need to start letting go of the fantasy as it just builds me up for disappointment

Thanks for your post lady wordy. It made me teary again to read someone thinks I am doing well. It's the very last thing I have felt lately.

You are doing well skippy84. Your dreams of a wedding have been torn up, but you're holding down a job, looking after a little one, dealing with your issues - all with little support... or none.

Many people would be unable to get out of bed right now. But you're still facing forward. And getting slowly stronger.
Hats off to you. :)

I just wanted to post again as its really helping me to get some of these feelings out of my head. I have a week off next week and taking DS to visit my parents. Oddly visiting them or being around them has been a trigger in the past for me drinking far too much even though I know they worry but they dont say anything.

I was thinking about why this is and I think its the strain of having to pretend everything is ok when I have been feeling so bad inside that causes a build up of stress which I cope with by drinking. I think I need to talk to them honestly about whats going on but I feel very uncomfortable about. At this stage they don't even know my partner has moved out. We are a family that has a lot of pain and depression in our past which is never spoken about. My parents' relationship is not good and I can see now that I am falling into a similar pattern to my Mother, who has been so depressed and anxious most of her life by depending on my Dad for happiness and emotional support that he was never equipped to provide.

I know I need to speak to them honestly becuase bottling things up will only lead to me drinking but Im so afraid of worrying them/upsetting them. I'm feeling quite down about this. The though of drinking tonight crossed my mind this morning as I find weekend nights home alone difficult after DS has gone to bed. Thankfully this seems to have passed now and I realise that there is no way in the world that will help the situation. It will only make things worse.

Out of your head and onto paper/screen is always better than thoughts going round and round, skippy84.

You say you're concerned about alcohol use, but I can't help going back to one of your earlier posts, where you mentioned your partner's previous relationships. He said 'all started well until the girlfriend had some sort of breakdown/addiction issue' and the caring got too much (as he saw it). Was he saying that they came into the relationship with those problems...or did they start during the relationship? Did you feel you had an alcohol issue before the relationship, I wonder.

I hope your visit to your parents goes well. Though it's very said and suffocating when families won't talk about things.

Thanks izzy, to answer your question I dont know about his previous relationships and have not asked too many questions. I don't really think I had any problems with drinking prior to the relationship, I can trace it back to the termination web I started to abuse alcohol.

I have just asked him to leave. It's so upsetting I want him to stay because I'm so lonely. He says he wants space but then he's here every evening. He says I'm too dependant on him yet he is constantly offers to do things for me. I ask him how he's feeling or whether he wants to try and work on things and he says he dosent know, that he's numb, or says what do you want to do ? Or what do you want me to say? I feel like I'm going crazy. I just want the truth just the truth about whatever he's feeling. I honestly don't care if he said he never wants to see me again just once I knew one way or another.

This is torture

Of course you are lonely......You know he frustrates you in some way, but want his company, the good part anyway. This is completely natural. And it doesn't sound as if you have been able to confide in anyone in real life, apart from professionals.

The words 'driven to drink' come into my mind, which I know will clash with your philosophy of personal responsibility.

But this is what you're dealing with:
wants space -> then with you every evening
does things for you -> tells you you're too dependent
you ask what he wants -> doesn't know, or asks what you want

You ask him how he feels, and he says he doesn't feel anything or is numb. (IMHO this may be the literal truth. Though not easy to hear.) Plus the other things you have mentioned in your relationship.

There is his anger when you are upset. So, you squash down your feelings. You are scared of upsetting/worrying your parents too. You've got to be mummy to a little one. You've got to go to work and be professional.

It's enough to make any feeling human being explode. No wonder you feel crazy. :(

I wonder if there's anyone in RL you can talk to, just as a friend. Someone you get on well with, who could spare you an hour in exchange for a coffee or something.

As ever, you don't have to listen or respond to my words: it's your story and I'm just offering a reflection.

Hi everyone have been away for the week so not on much. Partner has not been in contact while I've been away. I sent a picture text of DS and a practical one about finances and he replied very briefly and to the point. It still hurts as much but not all the time. Part of me is still entertaining the idea of when I get back he will declare his love and everything will be hunky dory but I know this is a sure fire way to be let down again.
I honestly don't know how I feel about him at the moment. I still live the image in my head but that person dosent exist. I'm so scared to make a break incase I'm throwing it all away but throwing what away?
When will it stop hurting so much?

Reading your posts, you are both incredibly strong through your awareness and vulnerable because of the pain you feel ... between a rock and a hard place.
Do you feel strong enough to take the initiative and give yourself a few timeframes that will put you in charge i.e. arrange some more therapy for your underlying issues, read some books (not sure which ones might make sense here, but I'm sure some other mners will suggest) and say you would like to talk to him about future between you and him at a set date, say beginning of september.
It will give you some control which you may find helpful and also some hope that by that time you will be able to talk and things will be less painful or desperate. But you MUST (sorry for shouting) use that time to be selfish and think about yourself and your healing.

Hi skippy, believe me I can relate to a lot of what you're saying as I have been in a similar position having had a termination early on in my ten year relationship and still being with the same partner now. I have also had counselling as has my partner but I can relate to the feelings of guilt. I think that we have to ultimately learn how to forgive ourselves and
Move on which can be hard but is the only way to heal. If you want to speak further on this you can PM me. Take care.

Thank you for your comments they mean so much though I may not be responsive enough at the time. To catch you up I came back, I told him I loved him I asked him to come back and work on things and he said no. At this stage I feel that I have done all I can. I am so sad that he has turned his back on me and my little girl but I have had enough of living in limbo. I have arranged viewings on about 10 places next week, if there is one I think will do I am leaving and taking it. I hate him for doing this and I think he is pathetic for walking away before we have had counselling or anything else but I am not prepared to wait around any longer. I am scared and I am so so lonely at the moment but I am starting to glimpse freedom and I like what it looks like