What would your expectations be?

[LouP19]

My DH works away a lot. His job requires him to take lots of short trips (2 days up to a week) to places in the UK and in Europe. He has free use of a Blackberry to call and text me.

When he's in Europe I'd appreciate a quick call each day to say 'hello'. Even if it's just 5 minutes. Instead I get a text every day and may be a couple of calls if he's away for a week.

He doesn't understand why I'd like to speak to him every day. I'm at home on my own a lot and would appreciate hearing from him briefly each day. He thinks I'm being needy.

What would you expect in these circumstances? Realise it's not mega important, but we really aren't seeing eye to eye on this. Thank you.

Are you at home with kids? I think if you are, then you should be able to expect a 'how are you all getting on?' type call at the end of the day. Otherwise, I'd say texting every day and a few calls over the week would be enough.

Having said that, his saying you're a bit needy for wanting to chat to him is a bit off.

Do you call him ever for a quick chat?

Im away max 2 separate nights a month with my job...I facetime home before tea, before bedtime (if DS hasnt fallen asleep in me, just chat with DP if he has) and again in the morn after breakfast.

No, I don't call him because his job involves evening work too. He's a Business Development Manager which means he speaks at lots of conferences and then goes to lots of schmoozing events in the evening. So I let him call when it's convenient. This isn't about him having an affair (I'm waiting for someone to suggest it!), just about him showing consideration for me left at home. He is thoughtless, he admits it, and needs reminding constantly about the importance of SHOWING me he cares.

We don't have any children, I work full time and keep myself busy when he's away. I actually quite like it when he's away sometimes. But still would appreciate a call though. And he doesn't get it.

I'd want daily contact - more than a text.

Last time DH was away on the school pgl trip, he called during their breakfast time, again at the end of school day and then a call and/or text around bedtime, depending what time his group were getting settled.

I realise it probably wouldn't have been this much if it wasn't for our two DDs and my being 38 weeks pregnant with DS!

Hi Lou,

I'm not the same as you but my partner works aboard.....for a few days at a time. I'm at home with dd1 and pregnant with ds1. DP goes further than Europe most of the time so phone contact isn't always our first choice as it's expensive but we email/use a free messaging service via wifi. I also make a point of texting to say goodnight and dd does the same...sometimes more if she's missing him.

I think you are more than right to expect a call/text .......it's tough being the one at home. I would sugguest you start the contact with a text maybe??

Yes, I do text every day. If he can't call I'd love to get a text first thing thing in the morning and last thing at night. I've tried telling him till I'm blue in the face, but he just sees it as nagging. I understand he has to work away regularly, but it is difficult being the one left at home all the time. And I sometimes feel he wants to disengage from 'home' for a while, which isn't really fair because when do I get a break?

Thanks for your replies. Sometimes you just don't know if you're expecting too much, do you?

What's the point in having a relationship if you don't have regular contact? Ask him that!

If you've texted in the morning and he hasn't texted back, then he's being an arse. Likewise if you text him a goodnight text and he doesn't reply.

At the risk of sounding a bit like suggesting that you play mind games with him, have you ever not replied to his text or not been in when he calls? It might be good for you to get out in the evenings and not be at his beck and call when he wants to talk to you.

Hi Flubba, yes done all that. There is an element of him expecting me to be at home. He has a reasonably new job and it's definitely given him an air of self importance. And while my little life shouldn't get in the way of us keeping in touch, HIS life can,....

It's just so cr*p being the one left at home, feel I can't win.

It varies between couples, I talk with my husband who is away all week most days, but not every day and I wouldn't panic if he didn't call for a day, nor he if I didn't call him. We don't do the every night everyone say night night to daddy as it seemed to cause more upset than simply getting on with things in the week, then looking forward to seeing daddy on Friday night. I speak to him later in the evening, often on Skype, but perhaps twice a week for a proper chat, the rest of the time, it's hi and bye.

If he's in Europe, I like a phone call to say he's at the airport (as I worry he's missed the plane), a phone call once he's landed, and then after that it might b daily or even every few days.

I don't feel uncared for if he doesn't call, and I call him when I want to speak, it's more about how we are feeling at the time than a set routine.

But that's us as a couple, you may prefer the regularity of it.

However, if he's working all day and schmoozing in the evenings, surely a phone call for you to chat about the day isn't that convenient.

Or perhaps I'd just rather he get on with his job when he's there and focus on me when he's here. As I do myself.

I would just text him 'is now a good time for a chat?' and call more yourself. I think waiting for him and feeling rejected when he's at a work function is not a nice way to spend your evenings.

Yes, thank you again. I texted him earlier and said 'Can we chat?' as I've not spoken to him since Sunday evening. He's in Turkey this week and not due back until Saturday. Anyway. he rang straight away, and he was playing computer games on his laptop in his hotel room. And I was so baffled as to why he was doing that and hadn't thought of picking the phone up!!!

He's a bit of a prat then. My DH would just as happily come home and read the paper rather than talk to me (and that's when it's free to talk as we're sitting in the same room!). Communication is not his forté (nor your DH's by the sounds of things!)

I work away a lot, for example I have been away in 4 countries in the last 3 weeks, and have to say it's mainly a text to say I have arrived, or am leaving the runway.

It's so much busier being away, you end up working long hours, then further work in the hotel, or enforced dinners with colleagues, and it is easy to let the time get away. It's not always easy - somedays there are people around me all the time, none of them with families.

Sometimes i send a text to remind dh to do something at home, pay a bill etc.

I call dc if I can before bedtime if the time zones are okay. If not I take some funny pictures, or pictures of trains and send a message to read at breakfast.

Having been a military wife for years before this it just doesn't phase us not to have daily contact.

Sometimes the lack of contact and the return reunion home is quite delicious as long as I don't fall asleep on the sofa

at the risk of sounding dreadfully sexist some men just aren't 'phone chat' people in the same way as women.

this obviously varies person to person and some women aren't big phone chatters either - do you tend to chat for a very long time? could he also be thinking of the expense of all the phone calls? how about more skype-ing as a comprimise?

also, I'd make sure you had fun things to do for when he's away

A quick text doesn't take much time does it. Personally as a bloke when I am away I don't feel the need to have a chat and sometimes it irritates me when DW calls me when I only saw her the day before. I don't see the need to actually speak to someone every day. However I do keep in touch by text and I think that would be normal for most couples.

Maleview he does text every day, the OP didn't feel that was enough.

Although this is relatively easily solved by calling him a bit more, as the OP has found out. Often my husband is happy to chat, but won't call me when he's the one in the strange hotel room or out for most of the evening. He also never knows whether it's better to call after 10, if he gets in late, as I may be asleep or not call and risk looking neglectful. These things are not always straightforward.

Although over the years, I think he's become more of a caller, and I call him less as I am too busy working when he's away. This is a nicer balance, tbh!

I worked away 2-3 nights a week. (No children) I don't think I could have survived without speaking to DH each evening (up to an hour to be honest). It had to be at my convenience though as I did a lot of evening focus groups. I also got a tect "Good Morning Love. Have a good day" and text about tea time "Hope all is going well love. Speak to you later."

I didn't like the working away but it was part of the high-flyer job I had which gave us a very comfortable life-style.

I think your DH is just in his work (and computer game !) zone and doesn't feel the same need to have a chat. You miss him and would like to actually speak to him. I think there's a bit of a gender difference here.

I never really understand how to resolve Mars and Venus differences like this. On the one hand your expectations and needs about contact are your needs and should be respected. On the other hand, men sometimes have a need to be 'left in their cave' . I was once told by a therapist that you have to accept differences in relationships.. but which partner accepts which difference?!

If it helps, my DH goes away for a week at a time about 5 times a year. He used to call regularly, but nearly always as I was about to leave the door to work or on the school run. In the end I stopped him calling me so often as it was just frustrating to have to say sorry I need to go! We now text to confirm the plane has landed safely and text in bed at night most days which can be quite fun!