I don't think I love my mum, am I a really awful horrible person to feel this way? I feel that as a daughter I should naturally love her but I don't feel that way, I don't feel a special mother daughter connection with her and it makes me feel sad and guilty.
My mum has suffered from depression and a mental illness since her late teenage years, my dad was not aware of this when he and my mum married. When I was very little I think she was okay, she was a stay at home mum. I don't know if she really was okay or if she hid her illness well from my dad, I have no idea how I was cared for as a baby and toddler. I have a sister who is three years older than me and I believe she was a difficult child. I don't know if there was a lot of stress in the house at this early stage and how my sister's difficult bahaviour might have affected my mother and her early relationship with me. I know as a very young child I was very insecure and shy, frightened that my mum might leave and not come back. I don't know why I felt this way or if something might have happened to cause me to feel this way. My father used to tease me that I was a mummy's girl as I always wanted to be near my mum.
When I was around 10 years old my mum's illness became very apparent and finally my father was able to get her diagnosed again (he was not aware of the first diagnosis when she was a teenager) and put onto medication for depression and schizophrenia. At this point the history came out and my father was told about her earlier diagnosis. For all those years she had not taken any medication, my father tells me that their relationship was very stressed as he didn't understand why my mum acted like she did and he knew nothing of her illness. I remember up to the age of 10 that my parents used to argue an awful lot, it just seemed normal to me as that's what they did so much of the time.
A few years later my mum's condition worsened and she became very ill. She was sent into hospital and I remember visiting her, I must have been about 12. She wasn't aware of who I was or even that I was there. She was in a world of her own, like she was there physically but mentally she was in another place or another world. I was not warned about what state she was in before visiting so it was a shock to see her like that and I didn't understand what had happened to her. I was simply told that she was ill and needed a "holiday" away from the family so that she could get better. She spent weeks in hospital before being transferred to a mental health hospital where she stayed for a couple of months. By this time she was back in the world with us but clearly not the same person. She had become very child-like in the way she talked and acted.
My sister and I would go to school and then spend our afternoon doing the household chores, shopping, cooking etc. My father found it very difficult to cope, although he did very well considering he had a full time job to keep as well. My dad was very supportive of my mum in many ways, but he was also cruel too. I remember my dad referring to my mum as a looney and that she was in the mental hospital, she was a nut-case etc. I was very embarrased and wouldn't talk to anyone about my mum, I felt ashamed of her :( I know now it's not her fault but at the time I didn't understand any of it. I saw a councellor once, my sister did too, but we never saw her again. My sister didn't like the councellor because she challenged my sister's behaviour (she was a difficult teenager) and my dad didn't like her either. My mum returned home but she was very depressed for the several years that followed. She was also very suspicious of everything and everyone. My sister's teenage years weren't easy and my mum and sister clashed badly resulting in my sister leaving home at 17.
From the age of 14 I had my mum at home but it was like she wasn't there. She'd spend the entire day sleeping and locked away in a dark room. I would try to get her out of bed and do things with me but she had no interest, it was the depression. When my mum was around she would embarass me so much that I didn't want her there. She told my best friend's mother that I was a lesbian, after that for a while when I had sleepovers at my friend's house we weren't allowed to sleep in the same room. I think my friend talked to her mum because after a while her mum relaxed about it all again. My mum thought I was a lesbian because I didn't have a boyfriend. I didn't have a boyfriend because I didn't want to have to explain about my mum or have them meet her. I knew lots of boys who were friends, my mum would flirt with them and act stupid, we were all only about 14! My mum did other things to embarrass me, she got herself arrested when we were out shopping one day. I was 15 then and having the police take your mum off to "have a chat" was the most humiliating experience I've ever had. I was questioned too and it was the most awful experience in my life, I had no idea what she had done and realised after that I was questioned because they thought I was involved. I was also very sickly as a teenager spending quite a lot of time off school at home with my mum and on hindsight I question if perhaps she had a hand in causing this although I can't be sure. Ever since leaving home I've seldomly been ill and generally am a very healthy fit person. There are many other things that happened too, I could go on for a long time explaining them all.
When I finished school I left home as soon as possible, got a job and started my own life. I am happily married now with two children, we have an excellent family relationship, I have a strong relationship with my husband and two children. I now live in a different country to my mum, the move away this far from my mum was not intentional, it just happened that way. As I'm older I have learnt a lot more about my mum and can understand why she acts the way she does. My mum is a lot better now too, she still has her illness but the medication seems to be working a lot better and her condition is much better controlled.
I feel disappointment towards my dad for being so judgemental about my mum, calling her those names infront of me, I was a child and didn't understand what it was all about. I'm also sad that he did not encourage me to see a councellor so that I could talk to someone about my mum and how it affected me. I had no one to talk to in those days and my school, who were fully aware of the problems at home never once encouraged me to see the school councellor, I'm not even sure if we had one. Aside from that I have a fairly good relationship with my dad and I do love him.
When I talk to my mum she always goes on about how I am her favorite child which makes me very uncomfortable because my sister has a better relationship with my mum now than I do, she seems to love my mum and does a lot for her as they still live in the same country. I'm a little envious that my sister seems to love my mum and I can't seem to be able to do that. I think my sister was better off in some ways as during the years that were so difficult my sister no longer lived at home. My mum goes on about how we are so close. I don't have the heart to tell her that I don't feel we're very close at all. Since I was a teenager and even now she'd be the last person I'd talk to about problems, I don't feel close to her at all.
I care about my mum, I know none of the past is her fault, but I can't feel a love her like I imagine a daughter would love her mum :( She apologises all the time for the past, and I've accepted her apologies and told her that she shouldn't worry about the past as I'm someone who always looks to the future and I'd rather forgive and forget the past. I don't blame my mum for any of what happened but she seems to be hanging on to the past and keeps bringing it up. I think because my mum was so absent in my life from the age of about 10 it's like the mum I knew died and someone else replaced her, our close relationship we had when I was very little is not there anymore (if it ever was there).