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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Friend pregnant - needs advice

27 replies

SaraBellumHertz · 10/07/2012 21:31

So a dear friend has just confided in me that she is pregnant. By a married man.

She has been in a "relationship" with him for a long time and I absolutely believe her when she says this wasn't intentional. She plans to have a termination but is unsure about telling him and has asked my advice. I'm worried for her and don't know what to advise

It seems so unfair that she has to suffer this alone but equally my gut feeling is that no good will come of telli g him. I think she is leaning towards his "right" to know but she is relying on me helping her make the right decision and I don't want this to be any worse for her than it will inevitably be.

OP posts:

Bluestocking · 10/07/2012 21:34

I agree with you. What would be the point of telling him? Do you think she is hoping that he will suddenly see the light, abandon his current wife/family and take up with her to be her baby's father?

izzyizin · 10/07/2012 21:36

I'm inclined to the view that if she intends to continue her adulterous liaison after a termination, he does have a right to know... and she has a right to know his response to her news.

However, if the relationship has ended I see no reason why she should tell him either now or at any time in the future.

Original poster

SaraBellumHertz · 10/07/2012 21:46

blue There is a possibility I suppose that she is hoping that the news might provoke a reaction but I believe she has no intention of having the baby, whatever that reaction might be. She has DC and she has indicated that part of her life is over.

I am fairly sure the relationship will continue. It has done for years on and off and I strongly suspect that if she doesn't tell him now it'll be blurted out at some point down the line.

OP posts:

izzyizin · 10/07/2012 22:45

I share your suspicions which is why I reckon she should tell him now.

Unless there's a bill from a private clinic she'll have little proof of having had a termination after the event, whereas if he's given the opportunity of accompanying her to her appointment there'll be no doubt in his mind as to the veracity of anything she may tell him in the future.

annabel71 · 11/07/2012 09:36

She should tell him. It is his baby too. If they have had a relationship for a long time, they know each other well and care for each other, I presume. What if this is caused them to re-evaluate their relationship positively or move on so she could be in a relationship with someone who would be hers alone.

I'm wondering why it's been going on for so long with no resolution. Is she still in a relationship with her DC's father?

HairyGrotter · 11/07/2012 09:38

I think she should tell him, not for reaction purposes, but because he is the father.

DELHI · 11/07/2012 10:15

She should also share the burden/responsibility - it takes two. Why should she deal with this alone?

totstoo · 11/07/2012 10:46

I think she should seek advice and counselling from an impartial person. I, too, see no reason to tell this man. My concern would be that he might feel insulted/rejected and try to convince her to keep the child, not because he cares or really wants to help raise it, but more to satisfy his masculine ego.

I have had a termination not too long ago and I chose to do the same - not inform the father but sought counselling to deal with any issues. It helped clarify things in my own mind and I really think it would have muddied the waters to have informed the father. I see no moral duty to tell him at all - it is not about his baby, but about her body.

annabel71 · 11/07/2012 10:54

You don't know but think he might want her to have a child to 'satisfy his male ego'. My eyebrows might not settle down for a while after reading that tosh. What kind of chap do you get yourself involved with totstoo? One's you don't seem to like very much.

Original poster

SaraBellumHertz · 11/07/2012 12:07

Thanks for the comments. She is single, she split with her DC's father a number of years ago: partly because they'd grown apart (and he was briefly unfaithful) and partly because I think she knew her heart was elsewhere.

The OM (who I also know) does I think love her. And tells her so frequently, but will not leave his wife, hence my fear that she is seeking a reaction but it won't be the one she wants.

I'm sad for her because I know she is hurting and whilst she doesnt want a baby she doesn't want a termination either (although she will undoubtedly go through with it) and I feel that it is unfair for her to suffer alone but equally no good will come of telling him

God he's an arse!

OP posts:

annabel71 · 11/07/2012 12:37

This looks a bit messy to me. So her heart was elsewhere in her marriage but they broke up because her DH was briefly unfaithful? She is seeing herself through rose tinted glasses.

The termination does look inevitable and that is very sad. Her OM does need to know though. It is unforgivable to be in a relationship with someone and not tell them that you terminated their baby. How do you know no good will come from telling him. Weirder things seem to happen daily nowadays.

Does she have time on her side? Do they see each other regularly? Perhaps she could start a conversation like 'what would you do? etc and sound him out on his opinions on the subject before deciding on whether to tell him?

Original poster

SaraBellumHertz · 11/07/2012 12:54

Yes messy is my thought.

I don't know for sure that no good will come of it. I think she wants to be supported and comforted and I fear he won't be. It hadn't even occurred to me that he might think she is lying (izzy's comment) and I don't think she could cope if he accused her of that.

She has a few weeks to decide -apparently he is on a family holiday at the moment so her talking to him at any length in the coming 10days will be hard.

I live overseas and so I'm not able to spend as much time with her as I would want and feel so helpless.

I wish she'd just extricate herself from him and meet someone nice.

OP posts:

wfhmumoftwo · 11/07/2012 14:09

so her own relationship broke up because her partner was unfaithful but she is ok to have an affair with a married man, knowing the damage it can cause to a family? Unbelievable.
However, aside from that, i think she wants to tell him to get a reaction from him, hoping it will be the impetus to leave his wife. Chances are it could, but he would then always blame her for wrecking his marriage so the relationship wont work long term) or he'll go apeshit and break off the relationship.

Ultimately i think she needs to have proper counselling to ensure she does what she decides is right for her. If she decides to terminate she needs to be able to live with that choice, if she decides to keep it, she needs to realise she will probably be on her own and face a whole lot of aggro from this man and his wife who will definitely find out.

Sounds messy. Good luck and i hope she makes the right decision for her.

something2say · 11/07/2012 14:23

Maybe she will think 'What am I doing???? And now I am PG???????' and maybe she will break off the affair, have the terms, lick wounds for a while and then move on to something non-sordid. Its awful to read all of these things like 'Maybe he will leave his wife and then blame her / the pg (that HE had a hand in too) for the end of his marriage.' That's just a complete mess of non-trust.

Me I'd have a term and end the affair. Or have a new baby and end the affair. And only ever get with a man who was decent.

izzyizin · 11/07/2012 14:50

Presumably the dw in this sorry tale once thought, and probably still thinks, that her dh was/is 'decent' s2s.

As many unsuspecting folk have discovered, spouses don't come with guarantees.

lastnerve · 11/07/2012 14:56

I would be very inclined to give her a verbal hiding for being so bloody stupid and destructive for some sordid affair,
So I assume he's having unprotected sex ? taking a nice lottery of STI's back to his wife , how lovely.

I'm sorry this is very harsh but she needs a wake up call. And you should be the one to give it, she is not a victim here.

annabel71 · 11/07/2012 14:57

Are you all in the same circle? If she keeps it and doesn't have an official boyfriend then all eyes will be on her.

Really this should be the wake up call that her life is a mess. Can you get her to come to you to get over it all?

And s2s is right. It is the OM's fault for risking his marriage.

Original poster

SaraBellumHertz · 11/07/2012 18:13

lastnerve I don't think she needs a "verbal hiding" especially given the current state of affairs, nor do I think, even if it was appropriate, that it is my job to do so.

My friend is a lovely, intelligent, attractive woman who has in every other sense got her head screwed on and her life together: I may not approve of her choices but they are hers to make and I will support her, as best I can, whatever they are.

TBH I am angry that she's going through this turmoil whilst he is happy as Larry, she doesn't deserve this, but I realise that opinion skews my view of what is "right" in the circumstances.

I don't think she has portrayed herself or thought of herself as "the victim" (although if I'm honest I do)

annabel yes her and I are in the same circle (in so far as I can be whilst I live in another country) but friend has a variety of pals, she has a fab job, and a hobby group of friends, plus schools and uni friends so she seems to cross over a number of groups IYSWIM - obviously her close friends would be re a baby but not overly so. His wife is nothing to do with our circle: we both know him professionally.

OP posts:

henrysmama2012 · 11/07/2012 18:26

100% she should tell him - this is his child we are talking about here. Regardless of the circumstances in which this baby was conceived, he has a right to know. That things have got this far and this complex might also knock some sense into them and make them see that this kind of relationship has some pretty hard/ tough consequences. Also do you feel she is rushing into a termination? Because again, this her baby, and she should be thinking of the baby first and the impact on this guys life a very distant second. Whatever happens he also needs to be thereto support her through a difficult time - I have no idea why for a second she would think of not telling him?

annabel71 · 11/07/2012 21:19

Sara, I'm sorry but whilst you are being a loyal friend you also need to wake up a bit. Your friend's life is not together (and being attractive has no bearing on whether she deserves a ticking off). She appears to have blamed her husband for her marriage demise and then continued an affair for years with a married colleague culminating in a pregnancy. There is some rather serious stuff going on and she needs to acknowledge her part in it. She absolutely does not deserve to be facing a termination by herself but she is a grown woman and playing some very grown up games.

She needs to tell the OM, you're absolutely right, he shouldn't be happy as Larry. Whether it means he runs to her or away from her is immaterial. He also needs to recognise the situation they are in. His wife would be horrified, I'm sure but I sincerely hope she never discovers their secret.

She also shouldn't be pressured into a termination if she doesn't want one. Children have been born in far worse circumstances and, if she feels it too hard to do, she appears to be a professional with options of keeping the baby? (an assumption but I'm going on your tone).

If she wants a termination, how can she still love a man that she can't tell that she aborted their child? It would be best for a clean break, no matter what the circumstances. I don't think this situation can be romanticised. She needs to be practical and sort out her life.

lastnerve · 11/07/2012 23:43

Lovely people don't behave like this they just don't. I can understand you don't want to go down that road though.

lastnerve · 11/07/2012 23:48

His poor wife will probably end up infertile after years of having being passed a disease he would not own up to. She is complicit in this
she is no victim.
That's the sad reality of affairs.
Intelligent, lovely people don't behave that way.
I'm not sure why her being attractive is relevant.
Sorry I am being this harsh but it makes me so angry, it destroys peoples lives.

annabel71 · 12/07/2012 09:09

lastnerve that's a bit of a leap. Why on earth do you think he, OP's friend and the wife have an STD?

FWIW, I do know some intelligent lovely people who have been unfaithful but I don't want to derail a thread when the biggest problem is whether a woman really wants to terminate her pregnancy or not.

In the interest of sharing I once aborted a child as I didn't want people to know I had slept with its father. It's something that I'm not entirely happy with now. I did tell the father and he was horrid but we weren't in a relationship.

Original poster

SaraBellumHertz · 12/07/2012 09:37

Ok ok: I mentioned she was attractive, as one of a number of traits, because I wanted to convey my opinion that she could do so much better than being second choice to a man who IMO doesn't treat her terribly well.

To further clarify I don't think she in anyway blames her ex for the breakdown of their marriage. I guess as most of these things are it was complicated and there were myriad reasons, his infidelity and her lack of commitment to the marriage being elements. FWIW her and her ex now get on very well and co parent their children effectively and happily.

As for the safe sex/STD comments I have no idea - I wouldn't ask about those "arrangements" anymore than I would with anyone else. I do know he is the only person she is currently (and has been for a long while) in a sexual relationship with.

Annabel - can I ask why your man reacted badly? Did you tell him at the time (if you'd rather not answer I totally understand)

I have also had an abortion years ago, before I was married and although it was hard at the time and I wish it hadn't had to happen I don't regret it, , but I cam understand that some people do and I worry with my friend being at the end of her reproductive years it might impact more on h IYKWIM?

Thanks everyone for your comments

OP posts:

lastnerve · 12/07/2012 10:38

I'm just saying on top of betrayal correct protection is not taking place.

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