Something doesn't feel right..

[Thingsareafoot]

I've namechanged as I possibly outed myself on another thread...
I've lurked on this board long enough to know you lot will give me some perspective.
Me & DH have been together for 15 years and have 3DC's. When DS was born he had what he has assured me was 'only' an EA, it lasted about 6 months and happened apparently because he felt ignored, surpassed by new baby etc. we worked through it, I gave him another chance and up to now everything has been fine. However since DD2 was born he has started to act in the same way as he did then, hyper critical, withdrawn, alternating between pestering for sex and turning his back in bed, moody and at times ignoring me completely.
The way I found out about last time was checking his mobile and I will admit that I have occasionally over the years checked his phone and email.
Something hasn't felt right for a few weeks so I have checked both his phones (work & personal) today and although I haven't actually found any messages (although he must delete loads, his phone is constantly receiving texts) I have found an email account that I didn't know about synced to his work phone. I decided to check his email accounts and he has changed his password to the one I knew about and I have no idea what the password is for his new one.
He isn't protective of his phones at all btw, but he knows I am a bit of a technophobe and don't really know my way around 'smart' phones!
Just so you don't think I'm daft, I have never believed the whole "no sex" thing, I just couldn't prove it, and I need proof when dealing with him.
Not sure what I want you to tell me really, am I justified in thinking that something is wrong? What would you think and do in my situation?

Internet is acting up tonight so if I don't reply, I'm not ignoring, will check back asap xx

Hmmm, I could have written this, in fact I did. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1489991-Am-I-being-paranoid-or-could-he-be-having-an-affair Look at the great advice I got. I found out very quickly but just keep your wits about you. xx

Well I believe, that unless a person is made to feel a loss, consequences, has to work, etc. Then they will do exactly what they did again. As they have not had the "lessons" to learn to change.

If they are not challenged properly, to challenge themselves, they will do it again and again and again.

So considering you know he has form, you know how he acts, you know the trigger. The poor ickle me, I'm second best to a baby trigger....

Then ask him outright to show you the email account straight away, if he wont then you do not need proof, you will know.

Trust your instincts - these are telling you he is cheating again

Given his history you would be in the right should you sit him down and tell him you think he is cheating again and to let you have full access to his emails/phone now - just to reassure you.

I don't think the previous affair was worked through properly - it sounds like he justified it by saying you didn't give him enough attention and you then worked hard in being the perfect wife.

Did he work on himself at all? Did he learn what issues and character flaws that led to the affair? Did he address these issues and flaws?

Please remember cheaters choose to cheat instead of talking/writing, going to relate, investing in the marriage or if they were that unhappy, ending the relationship.

I have always believed in 'women's intuition' as it acts like a radar for me.....never wrong.
Go with this feeling. Changing his password does not look good. This all over you one minute then turning his back on you behaviour leads me to think he is feeling very guilty about something.

1. Keep it to yourself for now. Don't confront him yet. Look out for clues. If he is having an affair he will make mistakes and you will catch him out but if he knows you're suspicious it will be more difficult. Make sure you check sent messages folders. You could keep a diary, with dates/times so you know your own facts.

I think if he has something to hide and you confront him now without evidence then he will lie, not show you the accounts that matter or he'll conveniently forget the passwords etc. Or he will 'minimise' like last time.

Oh yes and when snooping, check all deleted folders.

Unless of course your DH is techno savvy. In which case he will have cleared any messages either to or from an OW.

Thanks for all the replies, really appreciate them. It feels better to get it out rather than stewing on it in private!
I thought we had worked things out, It certainly didn't all fall on me to try and be the perfect wife, he got more involved with family life, in fact he's a very capable Dad and exceptionally supportive when I'm pregnant, there's not many men who will go out at midnight to hunt down heartburn medicine!
He is very techno savvy and will hide anything, However there's a good chance I can visit him at work and have a quick snoop round his desk next week.
I think I'm going to sit on this for now and just keep my eyes open. He'll flinch first, the reason I checked his mobile last time was because he was doing nothing to hide his feelings and was desperate to 'confess'.
Thanks for your help, it reassured me to see that I'm not going mad!

Good luck.

Just one point though, being a good Dad isn't just about being capable - its also about taking into consideration the emotional wellbeing, security and stability of his DCs and their mother.

Yes keep your wits about you, NO your not going mad I know it feels like it at the time, but you need to stay quiet until you have that proof that he is having an affair , then when his guard is down and he least expects it, ponce on in verbally and confront him, it will shock and suprise him , good luck to you.

If he thinks you are oblivious to any funny business that might be going on, he will eventually let his guard down and become careless.
If he thinks you are snooping he will up the firewall and be extra vigilant, so don't let on that you are suspicious.

There is never a right answer to this one. I could never find out about various internet affairs either, and confronted, and was always met with denials. He was far more tech savvy than me, and used that to evade detection, and also to confuse me with excuses about why certain evidence was something else. Of course, he was lying.

The only way I found out in the end was to get one shred of evidence eg in your case an hidden email account, and confront, and keep it up, and dont back down. He will almost certainly say it was an old account or he doesnt have the password blah blah- ie he will minimise and deny.

However, what I learned, and could still kick myself for learning the hard way, was that your instincts almost always serve you well, regardless of the evidence base.

One 'trick' is to see if there is a 'Recent' recipient list when you go to send a text. Even if the actual texts have been deleted, the recipients will be there.

If you have access to one of his email accounts you should most likely be able to go into the unaccessible one and carry out a "forgot password" change through the other account, as it's more than likely he'd have to set up a backup email for this kind of thing.

Don't feel bad op, he's historically cheated, the signs are back and all bets are off. I would check his social pages etc, and the search engine history for sites like Adult Friend Finder etc, to see if he is trying to engage in some "discreet adult pleasure"

I would be tempted to get the email address set up on the computer, and make him sit down infront of you and give you the password so that you can look, whilst he watches. Same for his mobile phones. Get them all and lay them on the table at the same time. This would be non negotiable for me, and if he refused, he'd have to leave.

If he's taken the cowardly route of a sneaky affair then basically I feel he has to open his entire life to you at your request until you decide you want out, or he convinces you that he'll never cheat again. Once the trust is broken it's his job to make it right in your world, if he wants to continue in the relationship.

It's not all bad, my dh started to look on some sites, and I threw him out with an ultimatum. It's taken a while, but 2 years later I don't have to look at his phone, or go through his mails, because the penalty was so severe for him (locked out of the house from Fri to Sun no clothes or wallet and had to sleep in the car) and I was os insistent that it was over, it made him sit up and realise what he was going to loose.