Please help - physical assault from family member

[missalarmclockhater]

I know these details will make me instantly recognisable to anyone, but I think I need some support. I'm so conscious about boring or upsetting RL friends and I also think I need some impartial advice. I'm not a MN regular but I do read AIBU.

Last week I was on a course quite near to where my family live and where I grew up. I decided to stay overnight at my dad's house. Although the house belongs to my dad, he has moved in with a partner and so the sole occupier is my brother. My brother is 33, 2 years older than me. He has never really worked. He left university the year before me as he had to resit a year due to failing one, and then he tried a training course as a teacher which didn't work out. He trained as a nurse after this, and qualified, but then had a variety of health problems and became addicted to painkillers so he was sacked as a nurse and can't practice - he only worked for less than 2 years. Since then he has made little effort to find a job, he lives rent free at my dad's.

When he was on the painkillers he was frequently very aggressive and he sometimes went for my dad (who was living there at the time) but not for me, I don't know if it's because I don't live at home or because my dad can be a bit confrontational to be honest. Last year we had an awful time, he kept overdosing, then having epileptic-type fits, being admitted to hospital then being 'released' because the nurses just couldn't cope with him. He was admitted to a psychiatric ward last summer. Since then things have been better, the last fit he had was at Christmas and he just keeps talking about maybe going back to nursing which is unlikely, I think.

Since he can't drive due to the fits whenever I'm there I end up playing taxi and last week I was a bit fed up as the course was a very long day and it was hot, sticky and I was tired. I ended up having my hand forced to take him to Blockbuster to get a DVD out (he doesn't do much other than watch films really) and on the way back this argument started, I don't even know properly how but I was feeling so tired and then he started moaning about his life and I tried to point out everyone has it hard in one way or the other, I think because his moan was about "all me mates moving on" (they are mostly married with children) and I said I wasn't and didn't think I ever would and he started going on about how "if that's your attitude it won't happen." Anyway this row just sort of came from nowhere, honestly, I think I did snap at him as honestly he rings me up to complain, he moans all the time at me but if I ever indicate the slightest dissatisfaction with my life he doesn't want to hear it. He told me I needed a shrink which I found quite insulting and said so. He spat in my hair and became very verbally abusive, repeatedly calling me "fat." I'm not fat but my mum used to tell me I was so I am very sensitive about it now and he knows this. I did say some things back that weren't very kind.

When we got home he was saying "you're not staying here" grabbed my stuff and flung it into the car, including my laptop. I was worried about it breaking so grabbed for it and he really went for me then, he grabbed my throat and I bit him to make him let go, and he grabbed my arm really hard (I had awful bruises the next morning) and threw me onto the floor and then kicked me and locked me out of the house. I had to drive back to my house (about an hour and a quarter away) without even any shoes on!

The next day I had a text from my dad telling me to take care as there's heavy rain in my part of the country and I texted back to say I'd been attacked by my brother. My dad did send a very sympathetic message back but then asked if I could check for his wallet which he thought he'd left in my car (my brother's wallet, not my dad's.) He had, I also realised my laptop charger was still at my dad's house.

When I got home from work I rang my dad but there was no answer, I tried again an hour or so later and he said "Oh, I am just watching the tennis, can I call you back?" I was pretty upset to be honest as he knew how shaken I must be so I retorted pretty crossly. After much arguing we decided I would come back home and drop the wallet off and pick the charger up, I met my dad in a local pub and he said some really unkind things, that apparently when I rang up, his DP was making incredulous faces at him, apparently he doesn't like being rung "in a crisis" and I should have left him to watch the tennis!

I just feel so upset and let down. I think my dad and I will lose touch, as there's clearly no way I can stay there now and I doubt my dad will bother to visit me. He always says he will but then something comes up and it's always a "good" reason but still. But I just feel really unhappy, I'll have to spend Christmas alone, I had to spend years spending Christmas on my own when my dad had a new partner after my mum died and she didn't like my brother (understandably!) or me and it's just hard thinking I'll have to do all that again.

I know I should keep my dignity and they clearly don't want me so why should I want them but it's so hard, I still love them in a way and will miss them. :(

If a stranger had attacked you that way, you would call the police. So call the police. Your Dad's a pathetic excuse for a father if he lets his girlfriend make fun of someone that has been attacked. Your brother sounds like a dangerous man that needs to be stopped.

From what I read here, your father is in denial about your brother's problems as he just can't cope, and your brother has a lot of issues, amongst the behavioural ones is the fact he is an addict (even if it is 'prescription painkillers'). Your father is enabling him by taking care of him financially, by allowing his behaviour. You are enabling him by not confronting his behaviour and to be honest, reporting the attack to the police. You have described perfectly the heartache and chaos that goes with addiction. Your brother needs to be going to narcotics anonymous, or whatever other support group he can, to deal with all his issues.

You need to strongly consider reporting the attack to the police. He violently attacked you. He will never get better if he is not confronted with his behaviour.

You need to gently confront your father and tell him how you feel about this situation, that you feel hurt and upset and unsupported and lonely, and that you feel you have reached your limits and see no way forwards unless changes in your father's behaviour towards you occurs.

You need to get support for you. Addiction is a family disease and affects everyone around the addict. You could do this by talking to your GP, or going to Al Anon, or some such support group. This would allow you to start looking after yourself and detaching from your brother's problems.

You have done nothing wrong, and this situation is hard. There is support and help out there from other people who have been or are in your situation, and foremost you deserve to put your needs and wants and feelings first.

There's no point ingoing to the police. They would hate me even more, and plus he didn't actually hurt me apart from grabbing my arm and throat, I bit him and made him bleed so on the basis of "he says she says" I am just as much at fault.

The silly thing is my brother's addiction is supposedly behind him, it doesn't make him an easy individual but he's not on the drugs any more so I don't even know if that fits. He just isn't a very nice person truth be told - never has been.

Call the police whilst you still have bruises etc

There is every point going to the police. He hurt you enough to leave bruises and he kicked you. You are not at fault, you are a victim. If you keep acting as his apologist, defending him and pretending it's all OK, nothing will change and your self-esteem will continue to plummet. Your family don't seem to treat you very nicely at the moment so how does this make things worse?

You bit him when he grabbed your throat. That's called self-defence. Why are you defending a person that tried to throttle you???

I think you should go to the police too.

I probably shouldn't have posted, as I won't go to the police. I doubt they would do much if anything - my brother has no criminal record - and they would probably just caution him. My dad and brother dream of him going back to nursing: I think this is unlikely but they'd hate me if I did and a caution won't help him get a job which just means he'll keep taking off my dad.

I'm not that bothered about the physical attack, that's typical of my brother, he was very violent when we were children/teens, but I'm devestated I've lost my dad. Going to the police won't change that.

Of course they'd do something. They might not lock him away but it would probably trigger Social Services taking more of an interest, a mental health assessment perhaps. It may be typical behaviour to you but it's not in any way shape or form normal or acceptable. Reporting him could be his route back to being nursed, ironically.

Your Dad has behaved like a prize idiot, has his priorities wrong and is useless in a crisis, but you don't have to 'lose' him if you don't want to.

OK. Well, consider getting support for you. You are a victim here. (FFS you drove barefoot home with bruises. I also doubt the police will ignore you). But what about just going to your GP and asking them what they think (or show them what you wrote here), maybe they can get some free counselling for you, as you are losing your family and that is traumatic. You deserve better.

Your brother's behaviour is not ok. If he was violent to you as a child, you should have been protected by your parents. So your father's behaviour is not ok. There is no excuse. You should be bothered by the attack, it just sounds like you are so used to it. It is not ok. And for what it is worth, just because he is not "taking drugs" now does not mean his behaviour linked to the drugs has changed. Addiction is far more than the act of imbibing a pill.

What do you want to happen MissAlarm? Do you want to keep contact with your dad and brother? If so why? What do you hope to get and give t the relationship?

Is the bit about you feeling alone especially at Christmas a major part of the problem, would you like to have more family around you, friends and a partner?

You can't change your family, but you can make an effort to achieve in your life what you would like to happen

Obviously you have a case to go to the police with, but you don't want to. It would be worth asking photos of the bruises just in case your brother hurts you again, but I think it would be unwise to see him for a while

Thank you :)

I don't really want to see my brother again, but he lives in my dad's house. If I don't see my brother again, I don't see my dad again. I have no other family, my mum is dead, my grandparents died years ago, no partner, no children.

It is that which is hurting me so much not the assault itself.

My brother does have MH problems but he didn't attack me because of this, he knew full well what he was doing. SS won't want to know, honestly, the times we begged for support last year (and in its way he was worse then) and they ignored us. I'm just upset I've lost my family because of his behaviour.

What if next time he attacks your dad (or worse )

I agree with others who have said that your dad may be in denial and i also think you should report this to the police.

It won't help to get your dad back but the police do need to know and I am horrified to think that your brother is contemplating a career in nursing. Did I read this right?

He is a registered nurse but is currently under a suspension order by the NMC, so he can't practice, due to his previous opiate dependency.

He has attacked my dad before.

I'm sorry that you have been through this.

It's up to you whether you report the attack, though you might want to bear in mind that the next person he strangles may not survive to tell the tale.

Your brother needs specialist professional help. Your dad is being a complete waste of space. Why can't you see your dad at his DP's house, or yours ?

I understand you. I have a brother who was like that, though the fight seems to have gone out of him in later years.

I think there's no reason for you to see your brother again. He's violent towards you and you get nothing from the relationship.

If I were you I'd keep in touch with your dad but meet on neutral ground. Try to see him a couple of times a year and stay just for an hour, for a meal or similar. Accept that your dad should have protected you as a child and should protect you now; he's a crap dad, but he's your dad and he's your only family until you have your own husband and children.

When you see him, keep everything neutral. Don't talk about the past. Don't talk about your brother. Don't ask how your brother is. If he mentions him, say nothing, or just use platitudes. Change the subject as fast as you can.

I understand what you mean about Christmas but really, could it be worse than spending time with your dad, his vile partner and your brother? Why don't you plan to do something different? Do you have friends you can go to? Would you volunteer?

You deserve so much better than the family you have now.

The thing is, I won't be able to get my dad to come to me, I met him Friday night to return this wallet - I'd driven right across two counties to do so and he'd driven maybe half a mile and he STILL moaned!

He also won't be parted from his partner :( and apart from anything else they are so annoying when they are together, constantly tittering at really stupid stuff. They also steal - they go into hotels and pubs and steal loads of condiments and I do mean loads, it's pretty embarrassing. So it's just stalemate really. :( x

If these people were friends rather than family members, would you want them in your life?

I don't know. I love them and that blinds me, I know it does :( I'm just completely broken, I have no one at all :(

Try to get help somewhere in RL, as soon as you are able missalarm.

Even your GP to start with. Might you think about Victim Support too? Tell them the truth. Tell them what you told us:

• you had your hand forced
• He told you you needed a shrink
• He spat in your hair and became verbally abusive
• grabbed your stuff and flung it into the car
• grabbed your throat
• grabbed your arm really hard - awful bruises the next morning
• threw you onto the floor
• kicked you
• locked you out of the house

I'm sure if a friend told you this story, you'd be as horrified and worried for her as we are for you.

And I'm sure you know, however much you love your Dad, that a response such as 'how awful. Is his wallet in the car' or 'I'm watching tennis at the moment' is NOT in any way normal or loving.

The mind also boggles slightly at your brother's wish to become a nurse or teacher, but I'm afraid on some level it makes complete sense. IMO the drugs are not the main issue with him, given what you've told us here.

Your family is not well and it's damaging and dangerous for you to be near them. It's not your fault and I don't think you can help them at present, however much you love them.

Please reach out and call someone, as soon as you can.

Thank you for your lovely caring post ladywordy, I really appreciate it :)

I may get some help when I feel able. It's just that I'm used to behaviour like that from my brother but I am broken at my dad's rejection of me. :(

Please go to the police, if it is just on his record. He should never be allowed to work with children or vulnerable adults.

Look after yourself and make friends, your family sounds like a write off. Try the relationship board especially the Stately Homes threads.

But please report your brother, I don't want him near my kids or elderly relatives.

Mummytime, he is not a teacher. He tried it but it was not for him. He is not currently practising as a nurse.

There is no point whatsoever reporting him, trust me, the things he did last year, we begged for help but they did not care. And reporting him would completely ruin my relationship with my dad. I'm sorry but it isn't an option, I never even considered it as an option.

Did you see that program last night about the woman who had a psychotic breakdown and killed her two year old son because she thought he would be safe?

Have you got to wait for him to do someone some serious damage before you realise that complicity is almost as bad?

I feel for you, I really do. Something very similar happened to me by my brother several years ago. It took me months to summon up the courage to tell my parents - most of the time they act like it didn't happen. In the end I just refused to be my brother's whipping boy anymore. I refuse to be involved - but cutting him out felt like a bereavement for a very long time.

But. Not doing that was infinitely better to tolerating him. To pretending everything was OK. If refusing to engage with your brother means losing your father also, that is a hard price to pay but what is worse - pretending this attack didn't happen? You deserve so much better than that. Tell yourself you deserve more, that you owe to yourself to state every time your dad tries to play it down.

I'm so sorry you feel so lonely. It is an insidious thing, to be so lonely, but do not let that mean you tolerate this. Focus your energies on finding friends, surround yourself by decent, caring people, maybe even a partner who will cherish you and look after you. You deserve so much more than these people, even if they are your family. Your father should be outraged and going out to bat for you. He hasn't and he's shown his measure. You deserve so much more :)