I'm worried about my friend

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I posted this in WWYD but someone advised there is often more traffic elsewhere. I would be grateful for any advice.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/what_would_you_do/1514536-worried-about-my-friend?msgid=32864671#32864671

Thanks.

Your friend emigrated a couple of years ago to the other side of the world with her very difficult husband. He makes it clear that the house and child care is her responsibility and does nothing to support her (except finacially as he earns more than her). Her first DD is 4 and her second DD is 1 month.

DD1 is EXTREMELY difficult. She was a delight before she emigrated, very bright and bubbly and interested in everything but really well behaved too. When you went to see them about a year after they emigrated you were shocked by the change in DD1. She was demanding, refused to do anything for her Mum, defiant and basically was allowed to get away with murder.

You say your friend and her difficult husband try to control DD1 with empty threats. You're concerned that the child's diet isn't as good as it was at home. She is behind at school. Her behaviour seems oppositional and she has a very short attention span, though you say she's affectionate with her new baby brother.

Your friend has Skyped you, in a state of high anxiety and tears, saying she can't cope.

Personally I think it's reasonable for a 4yo to be showing signs of distress after a major house move and a new addition to the family. She would need far more loving affirmation, not threats & criticisms, and rewards for observing safe boundaries rather than getting (negative) attention by misbehaving so as to be yelled at.

The child may turn out to have ADD/ODD but it's unfair to suppose a learning disability when she's been going through such massive disruptions to her life. Any child would react badly. Combined with the fact she should be pushing her limits at this age, it's to be expected really. From what you've posted, the problem seems to be in the parents' responses rather than the little girl herself.

Does your friend feel isolated and unsupported since the move? What resources has she got, and what else could be found? How much more "difficult" has the husband become since they moved?

Yeah that's it in a nutshell. I think she did feel isolated at first but she now likes where she lives and has made friends who were lovely when I met them. One friend in particular does take DD1 to give her a bit of a break.

I completely agree that it unfair to think it is learning difficulty and that she has had major disruptions. I do think it's behavioural rather than a learning difficulty but it's hard to tell because I've only seen her for a month in the past 2 years. She has had 2 years to settle into her 'new' house, new suroundings etc although obviously she has had a baby sister come into her life and has started school, all of which are tough.

Friend's husband hasn't changed as much as I think she hoped. He is a lot happier but still doesn't help at all. My friend would like some child care for when she goes back to work for 1-2 days a week so she can get some sleep after some of her night shifts but he has refused despite being able to afford it. He earned a wage of around £50,000 while in the UK and she said he got a massive pay rise when they moved aborad so I can't imagine they can't afford a couple of days of child care. Her shifts mean the the children will be asleep when she is at work (Well DD1 will be but baby's sleep pattern may change - at the moment baby DD is sleeping well) She will have to go back to work in 2 months time as they don't get as much maternity leave where she lives. He does nothing but moan when he has to look after the children for a few minutes e.g. when friend takes a shower.

Dear lord, no wonder she's stressed He sounds like a right arse. I should think all this anxiety reflects on DD1 who, as we've said, has plenty of excuses for being a bit challenging atm in any case.

I predict DD2 (sorry for thinking she was a DS!) will become 'challenging' when your friend returns to work - due to their mum's ratcheting anxiety level. This will no doubt suit Mr Bossy down to the ground as evidence that, not only should she be barefoot in the kitchen, but is useless at that too

I'm almost hoping one of her new friends will have an affair with him!

Would I be right in supposing she won't acknowledge what a twunt he is?

It's funny garlicbutter but she does acknowledge what a pain he can be. Doesn't mean she'll ever do anything about it though!

It's also funny as her husband does think a woman's job as 'being barefoot in the kitchen' but he refuses to 'allow' her to cut her hours. He is tightfisted with money when it comes to her. He is also ex RAF and he is very particular about how things look, how they are cleaned etc. I know technically it is his money as he earns much more but surely when you have children everything becomes more combined?

They have a joint bank account but that only means she gets grief about what she's buying as he gets the statements. Even with clothes for the children she has to justify why they needed them and not buy expensive things.

Under UK law, it is NOT technically his money. It's theirs. Remember the bit in the marriage ceremony about "all that I have is yours"? That is ratified by law. It's much the same in most countries though, of course, I don't know what administration they're in.

Anyway, she's under his thumb and nothing she does will be good enough. Poor woman. I know what you mean about Servicemen who treat their families like low-ranking subordinates: my dad was one! Our childhood was defined by fear. In the short-term, I'd suggest it's best she recognises there is no "good enough" where he's concerned and stops struggling. She really needs to shore up friendly support - and to hire help when she goes back to work, despite him. If she's clever, she may be able to make him have the idea by himself

DD, I suspect, needs cuddles and praise. It may prove helpful if your friend 'translates' her husband's yelling in more constructive terms - "Get off that wall!" can be re-stated as "Play on the grass, DD, it's safer," and so on.

Can you get her onto Mumsnet? Not only might there be some supportive MNers nearby, but The Hive can help her work on her independence :)

Thanks garlic butter. I like the idea of trying to get him to think of child care help as his idea! He'd like that!

I have tried in the past to suggest mumsnet but will tell her again to get on here. The problem is time as during the day she hasn't slept and has the 4 year old needing all her time and now little one needs breast feeding regularly. Then when they are in bed it's her time with H.

I will suggest it again though. I want to go back across there for a couple of weeks next year but I'm not sure if it would cause her more stress to have a visitor or help. If she would accept me doing child care I wouldn't mind but last time I went I only looked after DD1 a few times as friend felt bad that it was my holiday and I was doing child care. I would only want to go if I knew I could help because otherwise I'd be adding to an already stressed household.