Total contrast in communication - how can I get beyond this?

[SidelinedMum]

This is linked to the issue I have namechanged for, so am using the same pseudonym for this one!

DD's Dad (my exH) and myself have never been brilliant at communication - it was a huge issue in our marriage, and has continued since we split 3 years ago.

I don't think it's just me although he has always tried to attribute it as such -despite his assertions that I am the only person who has a problem understanding him, there are weekly "misunderstandings" between him and one or other of the professionals involved in DD's life that I am often left to unpick; last week it was the school uniform supplier, the week before it was her class teacher etc. I know there have been previous issues at work, too I'm not saying it's all his fault either, I'm sure I could try harder and not leap to conclusions - but the continual lack of effective communication is a barrier to any kind of joint parenting.

A few days ago, he sent me an email which set out two options regarding arrangements for DD. He ended the email with the sentence "DD now has a choice".
I took that to mean that he had decided that either of the two options that he presented in the email were suitable and that he had placed the decision in DD's hands, and responded accordingly.

His reply today states that his intent was to open discussion with me, and that he has not given DD the choice of anything.

Is it me? Is my understanding so obscure that I really can't see how the statement "DD now has a choice" can be interpreted as an invitation to discuss the issue and put other options on the table?

How on earth can I co-parent with someone with whom I share no common ground when it comes to interpreting the English language?

I'm desperate for suggestions and ideas. Both our first languages are English, so that is not the barrier - it really does seem to be a problem with our ability to understand the meaning of each others words. HELP!

No it's him. He could be gaslighting or just be a dick. It's hard to co-parent with a dick but commonplace Just stick to your guns and stop blaming yourself of trying to work out if he's a bad communicator when he is, as you'll tie yourself up in knots trying to second guess him. I'd just carry on as you are and think you'll find with the passage of time and distance from him it'll just become more like water off a duck's back to you. You can't change him, just co-parent the best you can with the material available and keep communication as concise as possible and in writing as far as possible.

There is no problem either with his communication or understanding. What I suspect is going on is that he is is being 'contrary' and 'argumentative' i.e. pretending you've got the wrong end of the stick so that he can have a pop at you or feel superior in some way perhaps.

I'd suggest, for your own sanity, that you keep comms to very short unambiguous instructions/statements and distil any decision points down to a very simple yes/no answer. If he wants to act like an idiot, treat him like one.

I have similar problems. I think it is a lot to do with him wanting to feel superior, and creating arguments. I agree the best way forwards is keep every message really short and concise, just as cognito says.

In my case, even when I think I have written something completely simply and clear, he will still misinterpret it, it is surprisingly difficult to write something that any idiot could get.

I also tend to find if I ask a question, it is ignored and some other agenda raised. It is frustrating.

We have a shared care arrangement so keeping communication to a minimum still requires some element of discussion/agreement - DD is changing schools and the whole process has been a total nightmare.

Even something simple like arrangements for transferring between homes becomes a convoluted exchange of emails with me becoming increasingly frustrated. He hates the fact that I insist on email communication rather than telephone or face to face and every time there is an email 'misunderstanding' between us, he uses it as evidence that we need to meet and talk, because it's a better way of communicating.

I desperately want to make things better - but am really struggling to work out how to do that.

Gaslighting was something he did when we were married - but it doesn't really work by email, does it? He can't deny he wrote something that is in black and white!

Stick to the emails, for heaven's sake! I'm sure he knows exactly what he is doing, so keeping him to putting things down in b&w will keep him under a tiny bit of control. No one would interpret what he had put as an invitation to discussion. Depending upon the choices he laid out, ie something totally ridiculous, it could have been goading, but certainly not a reasonable discussion iyswim.

Just carry on as you are, being reasonable and responding to his words.

" he uses it as evidence that we need to meet and talk"

Which means it's in his interest to pretend that messages are getting garbled. QED. If something needs agreement this is when you go for the straight yes/no answer. If something presents several choices, decide which is your preference and present that to him as a fait accompli rather than giving him opportunities to mess you about. Co-parenting is a nice idea in theory but it doesn't work when someone is being contrary in an attention seeking way. Take charge...

OP could it be he'll be getting annoyed that you're not taking the bait and that you're detaching from his 'control' and in that sense winding you up is satisfying for him? Say what you need to say in as few words as possible and don't react to him, ie be as 'boring' and non reactionary as possible. It may get worse before it gets better but stick to your guns, don't react, few words as possible and as boring as possible

It seems to be to much better evidence of the need to keep everything in writing, tbh!