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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I hate dating

26 replies

CinnamonPreztel · 09/07/2012 22:19

I'm completely losing all hope of finding anyone to settle down with. All my relationships (term meant in a broad sense) just turn to complete shit.

I've been seeing a man, only for a month or so, but already that's running it's course (my instincts tell me). I am aware he doesn't have a lot of time- He's a vet and 100% dedicated to his job which I completely admire and appreciate. But he found the time to see me/speak to me when he was pursuing me, but he seems to have lost interest- Never having time to see me or even respond to a text.

It's just one disaster after another, and I am starting to panic. All my friends are attached. Starting to feel like there is something wrong with me. This latest disappointment makes me feel like - fuck it - I never want to date again. I feel so sad/let down/hurt every time things fuck up- It's stupid how shit I feel over this guy when I barely know him.

And I read threads on here about all the cheating husbands and again just feel like what is the point. I am only in my early 20s, but have had one too many let downs. I keep telling myself I can't keep going through this and setting myself up for so much shit. It's pathetic how I get after a break up- last time I had to take a few weeks off work I just completely broke down and we were only together for 8 months.

I don't really know why I am posting... For a moan, some insight, someone telling me they met the love of their life after a string of failed relationships... I don't know. Just feeling shit right now.

OP posts:
Lizzabadger · 09/07/2012 22:25

If you hate dating don't do it - it's not obligatory.

It's also fine to be single, despite societal pressures to couple up.

akaemmafrost · 09/07/2012 22:45

I feel the same way. I've had two relationships and two hook ups since my marriage ended two years ago. Pulling them is not the problem, keeping things going is. I feel horribly lonely sometimes but can't face liking someone again and feeling so utterly grim and unhappy when it ends. Am still not over most recent ex Sad.

solidgoldbrass · 09/07/2012 22:56

OK, the first step is to make a promise to yourself to stop dating for a year. Right now you are so desperate that you are going to be a magnet for arseholes and predators, cocklodgers and losers. Use that year to enjoy yourself - if your job is dull or you don't have one, work out what you really want to do, maybe look into training or retraining; take up a new hobby, make some new friends. The only way to have a healthy couple-relationship is to be in the position where i's just a nice extra dimension to your life but you;re fine without it.

Original poster
CinnamonPreztel · 09/07/2012 23:09

Thank you to every one replying. solidgoldbrass that is fantastic advice but despite being relatively happy in other areas of my life, I seem to prioritise relationships/take what I can get/obsess when I'm with someone. My job is ok- I am doing it to fund my masters which is great and challenging and hopefully will lead to the job I want to do. I have many friends, good social life and a beautiful little boy. I'm very busy but for some reason when I meet someone I pin everything on it and think of nothing else :(

OP posts:
akaemmafrost · 09/07/2012 23:14

Me too! I am getting to the point where I am thinking its best not to have relationships at all as I just can't seem to be sensible about them. I took two years off and felt really sorted. Met someone in December and fell totally for him. Ended after 6 months and it was horrible Sad.

Original poster
CinnamonPreztel · 09/07/2012 23:25

God I hate it. And I get so so angry and bitter. This most recent guy told me he wanted us to date and not just sex- yet so shortly after sleeping with him he's basically fucked off. I feel so angry and used. I trusted him - stupidly - and am so angry with myself for sleeping with him. And the ting is I know I will keep putting myself through it and being heartbroken, I am so addicted to the feeling of being with someone, it makes life amazing. To wake up and they are there... To look forward to seeing them all day... My heart leaping when I see them. I am addicted to it. But then the gut wrenching sadness when they're gone. I'm laying here trying to resist the urge to send this guy a text telling him exactly what i think about him.

OP posts:
sarahseashell · 09/07/2012 23:28

don't do it! delete his number and tell us you've done it.
akaemma like you I've taken a break its so good I don't want to get back into dating really but well done for taking the risk at least you tried and that takes courage.
Value yourselves though ladies you'll no doubt look back on these couple of losers one day and be glad you're out of it Wink

LucieMay · 09/07/2012 23:34

It's all a load of old bollocks. I'm 32 and am almost at the stage of resigning myself to being alone forever! I'll just get a puppy when ds grows up and leaves home!

akaemmafrost · 09/07/2012 23:37

I have a dog and quite honestly he's brilliant. I am never alone. I'm awake he's awake, I get up to do something, he watches me, I check the kids in bed, he's with me checking them too.

Dogs are better than blokes, Fact!

zookeeper · 09/07/2012 23:40

Agree with solid; There are lovely men out there but also a lot of nobs who will home in on vulnerable women. I would concentrate on getting happily single and then start dating when you are in a better frame of mind.

akaemmafrost · 09/07/2012 23:41

It's not your fault for sleeping with him cinnamon that's natural relationship progression, he would have ended up being like that if you'd waited 6 months because this relationship didn't have legs iyswim?

6 month bloke was gorgeous, funny, fab in bed but ultimately it was never going to go anywhere and I knew but kept on anyway because when I was with him and getting his calls and texts it felt great. In-between though it was miserable, knowing that he would finish it because he wasn't as into me as I was into him and that's exactly what happened.

akaemmafrost · 09/07/2012 23:43

Do not text him. I did and sooooo wish I hadn't. I dignified silence is always better.

solidgoldbrass · 09/07/2012 23:51

If you are feeling this miserable and obsessive about it, maybe it's worth working out why you are so desperate not to be single. Are you surrounded by people peddling the lie that a woman without a man is a failure? Being single is much, much better than being in a bad relationship. Sex is nice and NSA sex is terrific, but if you have a lot of trouble keeping sex and love separate, NSA is not for you; it's not fair on you and it's not actually fair on a bloke who thought there was an agreement that it was NSA and now is getting aggravation because you really wanted more or whatever. But sex, dating and relationships are not compulsory.

sl34 · 11/07/2012 18:28

Am done with dating too but i don't want to give up on meeting someone. However i generally think dating is a waste of time. Can one not meet a partner through an interest and be friends first then see if more develops? That has to be a better way of knowing someone than go on loads of dates realising you have sod all in common and the other person does not want a relationship at the end of it.

Sloobreeus · 13/07/2012 10:06

I hate dating too. So I don't do it. Nor do I want a FWB. So I just have the B. End of. I have plenty of other areas in life which are enjoyable - work, socialising, hobbies. Singledom is just fine - don't let yourself be pressurised into thinking that life is lacking in something because you are not in a relationship.

Mumsyblouse · 13/07/2012 10:29

I think if you are going into the internet dating scene, you have to protect your heart a bit if you are not to get very hurt indeed.

After a month, if you only saw them once a week, just to start to get to know each other, you would not be so devastated. If you immediately throw yourself in, and start seeing someone all the time, they then become your life and you are 'devastated' they are gone, even though you didn't really know them at all.

I would go slowish, whilst keeping the rest of your life interesting and full (out with friends, courses, more fun stuff than getting together with losers).

I also can't believe how many women on this site ignore red flags. If someone is late, doesn't turn up when they said, starts keen but then drops you like stone, sleeps with you and then doesn't offer reassurance, drop them. Why keep going for a few months with people who are not reliable, not genuine and just playing around? I really think you owe it to yourself to remove yourself, and block the texts, of anyone who isn't decent and straightforward.

So, if this guy has lost interest, he's not that great, is he? Why turn it on yourself?

I think someone else had it spot on, you are addicted to the texting, the thrill of attention, the excitement rather than the actual person who you can't possibly have known at any deep level after one month.

Alurkatsoftplay · 13/07/2012 10:43

It is annoying when you're mates are all coupled up and you're the only single one, however, maybe you should widen your circle of friends rather than chase around looking for a long term relationship.
It might be worth exploring why it's so important to you - you are only early twenties, you already have a child, there really is no hurry or panic.
I have 'settled down' with DH who I met at 36, but I still miss dating! I'm intrigued that you want to hear about people who've met the love of their life 'after a string of failed relationships'. To me, that's a strange mindset; all my earlier relationships weren't 'failed' they might not have lasted forever but they were fun at the time.

RecklessRat · 13/07/2012 12:14

I spent my 20's in "a string of failed relationships" and at 29 realised that the problem lay with me. I was expecting a relationship to bring me happiness and to rescue me from my life at the time. I made a conscious decision to not have another relationship until I'd done something about it.

So I changed career, got a new job, worked like a demon, worked on my "issues", repaired relationships with my family, had amazing times with my friends, read new books, tried new things.

During this time I had some great fun "friends with benefits" NSA sex with people I liked and where there was mutual respect, but no emotional involvement. If you're clear from the outset what you want and you both agree on that, this can work well.

Of course there were times when I was lonely, longed for some intimacy and wished I had a partner to share the good and bad times with, but having discovered my own sense of self worth, I wasn't going to throw it away on a useless one night stand or waste my emotional energy on a relationship that went nowhere.

Six years (yes, six years) of singledom later, I'd had several promotions, doubled my salary, bought my own place, had a great network of friends, been on amazing holidays and was confident, happy and settled. That's when I met my DH. It took us 6 months to get together.

Like solid gold says, the secret of a good relationship is for it to be only one facet of your life, not the be all and end all. My relationship with my DH is one I could only have dreamt of 10 years ago, but its only one part of my life. You can't expect a relationship to bring you happiness and fulfilment, you have to find those yourself and work bloody hard for them. It's not the easiest path, but the six years I spent on my own were completely life-changing and I would never ever change them.

happyAvocado · 13/07/2012 12:27

RecklessRat - this is actually what any of us who are single should set out to do
thanks for sharing your story

RecklessRat · 13/07/2012 12:44

Thanks avo. Having re-read post I wondered if it came across as insufferably smug Blush. Definitely not intended!

Tressy · 13/07/2012 13:17

I have come to the conclusion that meeting someone to have a truely sucessful relationship with is down to luck to some extent. However, some great advice has been given and I think there is alot to be said for being the 'cool' girl in the beginning of a romance.

Don't rush into anything and see if a real connection can be made over time. If not, move on as soon as you get a hunch they are keeping their options open, before you get hurt by becoming too involved with timewasters. Hard to do I know.

I'm wondering if I should just give up and I'm twice your age OP!

happyAvocado · 14/07/2012 17:31

RecklessRat - it is a combination of luck and putting yourself forward for dates, but if I am unhappy inside or depressed noone can change that for me - only me by understanding what made me to behave that way

Everyone has areas of their life which worked out better than other, such is the law of statistics :)

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain · 14/07/2012 18:12

I do think, after a fair bit of dating experience over the last year, that men and women react hugely differently in the early stages of dating, as psychologists say. The studies say, women have sex with a new partner for the first time, and it ramps up the interest. They want more and more contact etc. For a man, he has sex and cools off a bit which leads the woman to feel confused and insecure. If the woman can't resist texting etc, she comes across as needy and then the man gets put right off. I've talked to guys at work (last night actually!) who agreed with this completely. The best thing you can do is as another post said, fill your life up with other things and don't fit them around a man, fit seeing him in with your busy exciting life.

She says... Fingers crossed I can follow my own advice :)

preggofabulous · 14/07/2012 21:19

I know how you feel. I've had fifteen years of dating, and not one of them was a decent bloke. The last seven strung me along and then used me for sex, and now I'm pregnant by one of them. Tbh I find it a bit of a relief that I can now take a nice long break from guys and focus on myself, my child and my career.

Also agree pets are great....they're more loyal and much better company x

sl34 · 15/07/2012 16:40

If someone does not enjoy dating but still wants to meet someone for a relationship what other ways are there? Don't suggest internet dating as i have given up on it and it makes me depressed.

Im quite a happy person in general and have no trouble talking to people just need some suggestions on where to meet men.