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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Stop me hurting myself anymore

11 replies

loganberry12 · 09/07/2012 20:58

Today ive had the urge to contact my ex who left 4 months ago and asking him to come back and sort things out. i know its never going to be the same again and I'll never trust him but i miss my old life. i put on a brave face but when i see him i just want to tell him i love him and miss him. he seems to have got used to his life is cold and uncaring but that man that once loved me must still be there some where. help me to stay strong please

OP posts:
peppapiglet · 09/07/2012 21:02

you are having a blip, a bad day perhaps, i am just looking through photos myself and also have that urge. But you need to balance that with the reason it happened in the first place. you miss your old life, but you are moving on, it is a gradual thing and you are bound to get these blips. what is the background? what did happen?

Original poster
loganberry12 · 09/07/2012 21:19

He left we were married 6 years told me he no longer loved me. he had an emotional affair with a girl at work she is pregnant her baby is due in September . although he says he never had an affair with her part of me thinks he would of if shred was available . he has changed so much into someone i no longer recognise. he would have done anything for me before now he barely speaks to me and ignores most my texts. he has never sat done and talked to me about our split just avoids it all.i wish i could stop thinking about him and switch off like he has.

OP posts:
peppapiglet · 09/07/2012 21:30

is the baby his? (sorry if that is a stupid question)
he is NO LONGER the person you knew and were married to, that has gone. i ahev changed so much since my divorce and am no longer the same person.
why are you texting him? is it regarding dc?
i havent sat down and talked to my ex H. despite going to relate, he would not listen.. i waited 2 years before filing for divorce and i still have no answers and expect i never will. i just have to accept :-(
you will eventually get to the place that you stop thinking of him, or at least think of him in a different way, it takes time (i was with ex 13 yrs). 3 yrs on and i dont really think of him, not even when i drop ds off... you'll get there too :-)

Original poster
loganberry12 · 09/07/2012 21:35

Don't think its his baby the girl is still living with her boyfriend a friend of mine knows him and has said they are happy together and looking forward to the baby so no its not my exs . i was testing him for answers and to try and get him back at first now its just about our children nd money issues really.

OP posts:
GemsAngels · 09/07/2012 21:37

Aw lovely, it gets easier, it really does. I know at the moment it doesnt feel this way.
People change, and it hurts to see this. He is obviously taking the cowards way out by ignoring you, as the worst feeling is to be ignored, and not have the answers.
All I can say is in my experience, cutting all contacts, and time heals.

Original poster
loganberry12 · 12/07/2012 18:24

feeling so shitty today, exh picked up our daughter an hour ago totally cold and uncommunicative, i feel so frustrated with it all how is he moving on so fast and cutting off and i cant? i feel so sad and angry at the same time wish he'd just say something anything he seems like a stranger now when only 4 months ago he was my husband god i hate all this its so hard im trying to get over him and think of all the shitty things hes said and done but finding it so hard every time i see him. Wish i could totally cut off contact but i know i cant because of our daughter and then even if i could id still want to know what he's up to i feel like im going crazy ive turned into a bunny boiler!!

OP posts:
Abitwobblynow · 12/07/2012 21:32

So sorry this has happened to you, it hurts so much. You are doing the right thing staying away. I on the other hand begged, cried, pleaded, wept, screamed, ranted, railed, argued, told him how much I loved him - and generally made a complete twat of myself. If, being the person I am now, I could have it over again I would NEVER have anything to do w him. Not to punish him, but to protect myself (from hurt and humiliation).

I didnt' understand it, but there is a word for this cold behaviour that you describe: 'he seems to have got used to his life is cold and uncaring'. The word is discarded. You have been discarded, and it is entirely his choice, there is nothing you can do.
To be discarded is almost unbelievable! It is not how people normally behave. You will eventually get to see the character flaws in him that has allowed him to do that (and not like him for them), but I know how much it hurts. Stay away from him, and live as though he is never coming back. Fake it till you make it. Really. He doesn't care about you and he is not your friend any more, so protect yourself from him.

skyebluesapphire · 12/07/2012 23:15

I know exactly how you feel. Its just over 3 months since my H walked out for good, nearly 5 months since he hit me with the bombshell that he didnt love me any more and walked out the first time. My counsellor summed it up well last week. The loving caring man that I loved has turned into a cold hearted callous person. She said to me, that he detached from me at some point and put his feelings in a box. He had/is having an emotional affair/affair with his mates wife. She said at some point, when the affair is over, the box will open and the feelings will come out, but it will be too late to do anything about it at that point.

They emotionally detach and shut their feelings away because they cant deal with the guilt of what they are doing. If they dont think about it, they dont have to face up to it.

Detaching from them is hard. They are way ahead in the game because they walked out and we dont know why. I have to accept that I will probably never know why.

I currently have no visual contact with my STBXH at all. My DD goes out when the van stops and I dont go out at all. This is me detaching from him and he doesnt like it (cant we speak, it would be best for DD, I dont like to think that we never talk again, blah blah blah). He is a lying cheating scumbag and I dont want to ever speak to him again. But DD is only 4 and Im stuck with him for several years yet....

Original poster
loganberry12 · 13/07/2012 21:54

I really want to text him and tell him i miss him, part of me is afraid to encased he ignores me answer I'll feel an idiot Sunday when he picks our daughter up, part of me thinks maybe he is regretting it and might respond but he hasn't said anything because of male pride. Am i fooling myself ??

OP posts:
Original poster
loganberry12 · 13/07/2012 21:55

Sorry for mistakes using my phone but you get the jist of it

OP posts:
skyebluesapphire · 13/07/2012 22:49

sorry, but I think we all hope that..... I think for your own sake, you need to leave him alone. i tried everything to get my ex to stay but he simply wasnt interested... at the end of the day, you will regret it I think. xx

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