Called off engagement am i over reacting

[krissydw1]

Hi All sorry if i babale but am so confused at the moment and am not really sure what to think. To cut a long story short over a year ago i came out of an abusive relationship and a few months after met a lovely new man we have dated just seeing each other at weekends as we live an hour appart he has work there and i have babies here. Although it has been hard just seeing each other part time we really fell in love hes fab with the kids and we also do music together with his group every other weekend.

Anyways things have been mostly fine other than i want to move in together and he feels its to early as he would like to move to a half way point rather than move here he has been hurt so have i so part of me feels its good to have time together and appart as i still get time to be alone and i think i am still adjusting to living without my ex i get so lonley and want my new man hee but also know i need to learn to be alone again after the break up of my long term relationship

Anways me and my boyfriend have always got on well and share a mutual love and respect just over a month ago he randomly asked me to marry him and i said yes it wanst planned so there was no ring or anything so i just put on one he got me for my birthday and both of us were really exited. Anyways for the first week or so i was pretty chilled about it all as am not the tryoe to go for big drama and then when i started researching venurs etc i got all frantic trying to get something booked venue wise quick as we said we would do it within a year my idea. Basicly we have rowed terribly since he said he felt i was going crazy going at it so fast and just wanted to enjoy being engaged before planning a wedding imediatly. I just thought i was doing the right thing and that he would share my exitment. Anywasy we have rowed so much since getting engaged that i callled it off then wanted it back dont know what to do now he says he loves me still but how can we get married when we have been rowing so much and needs to think he said we could still be engaged but if hes having doubts whats the point. I know he does still love me and praps just wants a longer engagement to enjoy before all the pressure of planning a wedding. But it seems to have gone so wrong we cant talk he does not want to talk about weddings till we get back to normal and i cant seem to drop the subject as i so wanted to get married HELPPPPPPPPPP

Even your posting style seems frantic to me. Relax. A wedding ring won't bind him to you forever if his heart isn't in it, likewise it won't need a wedding ring if his heart is yours.

praps he just likes the idea of it cos he said all of the planning made us serious and old before our time not like we were fun and joking together it has added pressure and it changed me in to manic girl am pretty calm normally about drama. I wish i had all the answers i just dont want to carry on a relationshio if there is never gonna be any commitment and he may say he loves me wants to mary me but is that enough . after a year we still live appart and only see each other at weekends ???

A year isn't long when you factor in your horrible previous relationship, children who needs gentle handling and distance. It's not long at all.

A year is nothing.

You're going to have to go some now to repair the damage done by your over-enthusiasm. From chilled to Bridezilla in a matter of hours must have given him one hell of a shock

i guess you are right a month from chilled happy engaged girls to crazy wedding planner must be off putting. i just keot thinking he would be pleased if i got it all sorted so we didnt have to do it for A YEAR I WAS TRYING TO EASE THE PRESSURE BUT THINK I SHOCKED THE HELL OUT OFF HIM HE WANTS TO BE TOGETHER BUT IS CONFUSED ABOUT BEING ENGAED NOW AND I SUPPOSE I AM TOO

I JUAST LOVE HIM and want to be together do you think it is weird not living together a year on is a commitment phobe i just feel he dangles me on a dtring a bit gets single life and commitment though i know he is not up to no good needs his space and i probably do as well

My love. (((hug)))

What a rollercoaster ride!

Can I ask, what work have you done on yourself to heal and recover from the abusive relationship?

Can you set and maintain boundaries in your life?

Can you be on your own?
Are you 'grateful' he's taken you on, or do you know that he's as lucky to have you as you think you are to have him?

Do you think if he doesn't marry you that there won't be anyone else that asks you?

If you can honestly answer these questions it'll help you see where your insecurities lie.

I worry that the haste with which you started planning the wedding, setting a target of a year, but stating drama-free, and small indicated that you think if you don't marry him quick, he'll change his mind.

Honey, if there's a real risk of that, YOU need to tell him to sling his hook. You are not doing him any favours, he should be as honoured that you are going to marry him as you are him.

If you were chilled and at ease with yourself you would be delighted, but in no rush to marry as you know it will happen one day, or if not that's OK too.

Personally, (I'm a survivor of a DV relationship too) I'd only re-marry if I was 100% sure. I wasn't even married to my abuser, but I still wouldn't rush. I might live with someone, but I have a 6yo, so it'd be a big step to move us both into someone elses life.

If I were you I'd not get too worked up about the proposal just yet, take it as a sign of affection and commitment to you, no more, as indeed there is no movement towards living together. If your guy is thinking 2 year engagement at least, then fine, you have at least a year to see what is what. If you are not moved in together by then.... you'll need to do some thinking. Don't push, let him show YOU how much he wants YOU in his life.

We don't know, you don't know, you could be right and he IS just saying something to keep you on the hook, he might mean it.

He has to show more need/desire to wanting to spend more time with you and your DC, before you can really take his proposal seriously.

Put all thoughts of wedding planning out of your mind for now, perhaps if you back off on that subject, he will realise that he has to get his finger out and make a move towards joining your lives better than it is currently.

If it's meant to be, it will be. Make him chase you a little bit, don't jump to snare him.

Thanks guys for all your feedback I was not that happy after the dv issues which I suppose he helped
Me through. I know he meant he wanted to get married
My reactions have put him
Off but I wAs under the impression that was planning a wedding and he was exited to. I don't just want to do it to marry anyone I feel he us perfect for me in most ways we have differences but that happens however since the wedding planning I have been manic he ha backed off but he asked me. We spoke today and he has said that he wants to be together and call off the engagement as it has just caused us to row when things were fine before and have a break this weekend to get his hea straight before we meet up do I respect this ???

I think you need to both take time to get to know one another, give yourselves time to learn more about each other and then see where it goes.

no pressure, just enjoy each other's company.

Thanks for all of ur advice I am just feeling so alone and down at the moment. All of this with the engagement has really nearly splitt us up he wants space from me I feel hurt. I don't suppose I have realy healed from my previous relationship I feel so depressed and lost I felt so good when he asked me to marry him it's just gone so wrong

You have to find that happiness that DOESN'T depend on another man. Does that make sense? (((HUG))) be kind to yourself, get to know the strong, brave woman that you are.

Have you done the Freedom Programme? Have you had counselling?

Can you call WA and talk to them. Unless we deal with the abuse, it just stays there, you have to deal with the abuse. It won't take long if you are determined enough.

thehappyhissy makes ALOT of sense.

A year is nada! I would-
Call the engagement off
Keep dating
DO NOT move in together

In 1 year, see where you are at then.

l think the more you lunge at him now he's already in 'flight mode' with lists of venues, dates, wedding magazines, cateres brochures and so on and so forth the more he will run in the opposite direction.
You need to do the opposite - tell him you're fine with waiting etc (even if you're not) and then dont mention it again.
You will find he will eventually (if he still genuinely wants to get married) bring it up himself because you're not pressurising him.

Worked for me about moving in together, the minute l dropped it and started looking at properties for just me, he asked me to move in with him

Another one say slow it down OP. Stop getting in such a tizzy.

Why do you have to do things in such a short space of time?

Back right off
He didn't even get you a ring did he? One he bought you for xmas? No, no, no.

Take your time and do it properly.

harsh fact here: If an engagement has nearly split you up, then the ground work, the foundations are NOT there for your relationship.

You need to work on yourself so that you can get to the place Mindyourownbusiness is describing.

If someone is not ready to marry you, then things are not right. I'm not saying they never will be, but I'm saying that you are trying to leapfrog phases that can not be skipped.

There are stages we have to go through when a relationship ends. We must grieve, and mourn it's loss. We must reflect on US and see what we have learned about ourselves and about relationships. When there has been abuse there is another aspect that MUST be dealt with; the damage that has been done to your self esteem, your confidence and belief in yourself.

Please back off the whole wedding thing. There is no rush. Take your time and look to heal yourself. If this man of yours supports your healing process then fantastic, if he resents it, you have to cut him loose.

Why, because he is not your Mr ForeverMan, he is a Transition Man. You learn from him and move on.

It might be that the lesson you learn from this man is that you do NOT need to be grateful to any old proposal, with no special ring and then a mini freak out when you DO want to think about planning.

Whatever happens will happen for the best.

Thanks guys for your advice I feel like I nerd him
More than he needs me I guess because of the fact I didn't heal at all before I met him am just so fragile at the moment I suppose I should have said yes inwill
Marry him and then done nothing I just don't work like that Am an all or nothing person praps that's the problem

op you sound emotionally fragile and in no place to be in a relationship that is heading for marriage.

Focus on yourself and your kids. Give yourself some time to work on yourself. Have you got RL friends who you can talk to? You need to nurture yourself, a man won't heal you. You heal you.

Whats the rush to be in a relationship. Do you have good friends? Focus on your friendships, build them up. Have a good support network around you.

I know this is deep, but you saying that you recognise that need him more than he needs you is significant.

You need A PERSON to tell/show you that you are OK/acceptable/good etc

A person can't do all that, and if they do, it means that your love of yourself is dependant on the feelings of another person toward you. That is too precarious. Besides, it's not fair to them to place the amount of responsibility on their shoulders.

You need to know and accept yourself as you are first. You have to be able to say, I'm GOOD ENOUGH for me, I'm GOOD ENOUGH for my kids, that is GOOD ENOUGH for ANYONE.

If not..... the door is >>>>>>

it takes time and effort to get to that place. If you have done no work to heal then you still have to do it. Please can you call WA for guidance on what to do next. ATM you are potentially still vulnerable to a toxic relationship. I'm not saying you are in one, not at all, but you are too caught up on being accepted by someone else.

Take some time to think, relax and enjoy life a bit and then see how things are.

It's taken me a year to get where I am today, it's been hard work, but it can be done. I'm worth that commitment. For the first time in my life, I am not worrying about what others think of me. I'm making my own decisions, clearing out those that detract from my life and I am the truest and happiest I have ever been I think.

Thankyou for you wise words I supose I am looking for someone else's aproval all the time I just don't feel like I matter in this world am so lonley since my previous relationship I have not been right the violence I went through has caused more damage than I realise am desperatly sad and feel so sick inside

To begin with recovery is a bit overwhelming, but that does pass and you start to see areas that you deal with better than you did before.

It has to be done. You can do this.

You have a rightful place on this planet; you DO matter in this world, but first and foremost you matter to your dc who need you to lead by example as they grow to become confident, capable, independent adults.

You do not need a man to validate you or define you in any way, nor should you allow yourself to become emotionally dependent on anyone else.

Visit www.womensaid.org.uk to find your nearest office, give them a call and ask if they are running the Freedom Programme in your area any time soon.

Thanks girls for your advice have just been feeling hideous and insecure since all of this my soul is scared think have become depressed again and need help

Please call womans aid for some real life support, they'll be able to give you proper suggestions about what support is available in your area.

You need to heal, that takes time. Be kind to yourself.