This may be triggering, and you may not want to carry on reading this if you're a rape survivor.
I was reading a thread earlier that reminded me of something that happened to me a long time ago, in my late teens. I don't think about it often, I really really try not to.
Basically I was just wondering what you would class this as. I used to meet up with an ex boyfriend a lot in the hope that we'd get back together. He was very manipulative but I couldn't see that at the time and just wanted to be around him in the hope he would 'fall in love with me again' (ah, stupid, stupid teenaged me). But these incidents felt 'not right' and I just want some outside perspective.
Several times we had sex when I didn't want to. I didn't feel able to say no, I basically just froze and let him get on with it. So that you can see what I mean I'm going to have to give a little detail, because it confuses the hell out of me and I was actually there.
One night we were at a house party with mutual friends, mainly from his school (I went to a different one in the same town). After a good few drinks me and one of the guys (not the ex) who liked each other ended up having a snog in the corner. We were sitting on the floor. The ex came into the room (a lot drunker than either of us), kicked my foot (I don't know where he was aiming) and said "Fuck you, fuck both of you." I felt really bad that I had upset him 
so when he went to sleep on the other side of the room (a living room come dining room, half set up for sleeping the other half for the party) I went over and crawled under the duvet with him, hoping to reassure him/make sure he wasn't upset, blah. We cuddled then ended up 'spooning'. There were about ten other people being loud and still drinking and stuff on the other side of the room. The next thing I knew he was pulling my skirt up and my pants to one side and I just froze, like literally I couldn't move, I didn't say no, didn't say anything and, for want of a better way of putting it, just let him have sex with me. When he was finished he rolled over and I went to the toilet and had a cry and then went back over and slept (on and off) next to him The next day I felt really wrong but just tried not to think about it.
Another time he invited me to the park with his friends, then after a while said he needed to talk to me in private and took me off on my own. We started kissing, which I was fine with, but then he started moving to fast and I didn't want to but, again, froze, let him get on with it, didn't say anything but felt terrible during and after. After I just walked to the bus station and went home.
There were a couple of other incidents like this and obviously it's generally abusive but I was just wondering if anyone else has experienced something like this? In my heart I do feel like I was raped but then since I didn't speak or say anything, let alone 'no' I feel like I can't call it that IYSWIM? And especially since ti wasn't just once, I feel liek such a fool and so sad for teenaged me :(
Sometimes the memory just hits me out of the blue and knocks me for six but then I think 'Actually, did he even do anything wrong? I didn't tell him not to, he probably thought it was all entirely bloody fine.' I feel like in that sense I'm just being silly and I was just a stupid slutty teenager but at the same time it's always felt so so wrong so I don't know.
As I say I try not to think about it but I've been spending more time on the Relationships and Feminist boards lately and things keep reminding me of it and now I'm wittering on but I just wanted to know if anyone else had had this, where they didn't say anything/froze, or whether it's just me.
Don't know what I'll even do with an answer to be honest but I was just wondering. Sorry.