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Original poster

Trust issues

5 replies

Wonderwonder · 09/07/2012 14:53

I have name changed on this one .. I am fairly new to mumsnet and have found it useful so far , now my turn to post!

I am 23 , been with my DP for 7 yrs , beautiful DD age 3.

I have trust issues with my DP , I find myself 'grilling' him every time he goes out on a night out or who he is texting etc . He has recently came back from holiday and I was fine with him going but now he is back Its like I am searching for something to find out , I always feel like he is hiding something even though he doesn't actually give me a reason to think this other than .. ( here it all is )

When we first got together he cheated on me on a night out , I chose to stay with him I think only as I had been so infatuated with him for a long time . He has to my knowledge always been faithful since then , never found texts or anything like that but I still always suspect him . He's a great father and we do have a good family life together but I have issues with trust as it seems everyone around me is a cheat ! He cheated on me , my brother cheated on his now wide many times , my best friend cheated on her DP at the start , my mom cheated on my Real dad to be with my step dad who then years later went on to cheat on her (still together but he doesn't no I no ) DP' s mom cheated on his dad years ago , seriously what's with all the infidelity ?!

Anyway my question is how do you move on and sort the jealousy and suspicions or do you not ever ?!

OP posts:
amillionyears · 09/07/2012 15:11

I think it would be very natural for you to have trust issues in your situation,and it does not help to have seen so much going on around you.
I think you need to focus on your DP.
Is he remorseful for cheating on you at the beginning of your realtionship.What is his attitude generally to others cheating.Why did he go on holiday without you and your DD.Does he flirt with other girls.
You are young.Is he young too?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/07/2012 15:22

You have a very rational reason for not trusting him which is that he cheated on you in the past. Looking back it seems you think your judgement was poor at the time and you sold yourself short. So your relationship was not exactly on solid ground to begin with. It was founded on a combination of infidelity and desperation.... him being unfaithful and you desperate to keep him, probably losing a little of your self-respect in the process. It is totally unsurprising that, ever since, you feel insecure worrying that it's going to happen again. Maybe you've never believed he really wants to be with you.

The only way trust is restored is for the other person to consistently act in a way that earns trust. And I don't think he's really doing that at the moment. Holidays alone are fine for young single men but fathers with families normally choose to be with them.

Original poster
Wonderwonder · 09/07/2012 15:49

Thanks for your replies . Yes he has always been remorseful , he is 28 , I went on a girls weekend abroad and he went for 4 nights with his friends so it's not as if I have been left at home and he's just on his jollies . In 7 years this is his first holiday away from me and we always make sure we take dd away . I just can't stand the thought of him out drunk and being around girls , even if he isn't I suspect that he is . He always reassures me that he wouldn't do it again and he doesn't agree with his friends when they have done it to their gfs but obviously I don't know what his opinions are when he's with the "lads"

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/07/2012 16:08

If you don't trust him, you don't trust him. If you don't believe him when he says he wouldn't do it again, you don't believe him. There are only a few choices once you get to this point.

One would be to accept that it's never going to go away, you can't live with the suspicion, and that you need to separate for the sake of your peace of mind. Another would be to consciously resist the temptation to check up, 'grill' and all the other things you do until it you get out of the habit. If he is innocent in all this, being accused of affairs is going to get pretty annoying. Another would be to be far more thorough in your suspicion and get a PI to check him out.... find out if he's cheating but do it properly.

amillionyears · 09/07/2012 19:35

Agree with Cogito.There is perhaps a fourth and a fifth.
fourth,do you know the lads well enough,eg,say,is one a brother,cousin,friend,that you can rely on and trust[ha ha],to reassure you
fifth,decide to accept from this point onwards.difficult I know,and you may wish to do 1 of the other options first.My gut reaction on this 1,is that everything is ok,as the reality so far is that you have absolutely nothing to go on for the last 6 years.but obviously i could be wrong,

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