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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

should I help this friend despite her ruining everything for me?

29 replies

juniorant · 09/07/2012 14:35

One of my best friends for nearly 10 years has caused me the most unbelievable drama and I want to know have I gone mad or is she possibly a bit unbalanced?
I will try to summarise her recent behaviour otherwise it will be a bit long:-
1.We went out for a drink a few weeks ago with a couple of other friends when we got in a taxi to come home she started crying and insisting that I had spent the night talking about her with one of the other girls there (I hadn't). I lost my temper in the end but she did apologise the next day
2.Her daughter required medical attention (broken rib) but she delayed for nearly 24 hours because she couldn't get hold of her husband and she didn't want to go to hospital on her own (I Live next door and obviously would have gone with her but I didn't know there was an emergency) instead she called her husband repeatedly but he didnt hear the phone and was out all night.
3.Calls her DH and his friends literally 100s x when he goes out as she wants to know what he is doing.
4.But the main thing is I had started to befriend a guy I have liked for 5 years and whilst chatting with her about it I said I thought everyone fancied him and my exact words were "but then again he thinks all guys fancy me" (which he did say). Unbenownst to me and despite being sworn to secrecy on her childrens lives. she has translated that into I told her that the guy said her DH fancied me. This has apparently caused df dh no end of grief to the point he actually had it out with the guy who now understandably wants nothing to do with me (so gutted about that but suppose its my own fault - but i do think girls do chat about stuff like that esp to trusted friends of 10 years) and today her dh questioned me about why I had told my df that he fancied me. I know he doesn't fancy me - it is ridiculous and even if I knew for a fact he did (which I know for a fact he doesn't)why would I say that to her. She said it's to get one over her (WTF).
I am so upset I want to have it out with her but htink she might be quite unbalanced anyway and don't want to make things worse.
I also think if she is not feeling so good emotionally or whatever am I being a good friend to basically walk away and a time she presumably needs a friend despite her disloyalty to me?
well done for reading this far - hope it made sense but suspect it didn't :0)

OP posts:
juniorant · 10/07/2012 11:34

Thanks for that perspective spuddy. That is what I was wondering - you know if you have a period of time when you have some sort of mh issue do you recognise it yourself, or does it take someone pointing it out to you.
I wish we had another friend who could perhaps intervene as feel it will make her go off if I broach subject. I wish I knew what her husband thought and what he is thinking of doing. Not sure again that I can be the person to say anything to him either.
It has been very interesting to read everyones response as I had wondered if I was out of order making the comment in the first place (it was a tiny percentage of a big convo discussing whether this guy fancied me or not typical girl talk).
The fact she also said I made the comment "to get one over on her" was what her DH also said to me which is really odd because if her husband did fancy me how would that mean I had one over on her???? it would just make me a bit of an idiot if anything. I am definitely not the sort of person who wants to get one over on anybody least of all a friend?? does this also indicate a sort of paranoid behaviour indicative of some other issue?

OP posts:
Spuddybean · 10/07/2012 13:54

junior I do recognise it now as I have been diagnosed for 12 years. However, at the beginning altho i knew something was wrong i couldn't work out what it was. It grips you. It also self perpetuates so the more it goes on the worse it gets. It also is easy and dare i say it enjoyable to allow yourself to be sucked in.

The delusions, altho creating conflict, are comforting in a way. As you don't have to question yourself and metaphorically drag yourself out of it. You have to really reach into the tiny part of yourself which is questioning your behaviour. It is very hard.

You also have to make small goals like go to the shop on your own etc. Sounds mad (and it is!) but it would take days to build up to something like that.

The other thing I did, (which you haven't mentioned) which was really bad was 'self medicate' with alcohol. If anything like that is happening it escalates much quicker.

The issue here is whether talking to her H will increase her sense of paranoia? Also, she is still an adult and needs to be treated as such, so i would approach her first.

Try asking how she is, you could use the broken rib incident to guage whether she realises that is unusual. Ask if she wanted to leave before her DH got come but felt incapable? If she says no it isn't odd she had to wait for DH then you could explain how dangerous it could have been.

There is no real right and wrong, and she will be upset whatever happens. I would look at bipolar/mental health websites about how to deal with those (not that i'm saying she is bipolar, but the appraoch may be useful) who are acting irrationally.

Good luck. I really feel for you. :)

Lizzabadger · 10/07/2012 14:32

Her mental health is not your responsibility. Walk away.

Spuddybean · 10/07/2012 14:50

Wow! that's kind lizza . Fortunately some people actually value friendship and 10 years of time spent. Altho difficult I don't think the OP's friend has done something that heinous that would warrant total abandonment. Different if it had escalated but crying when they went out (some of my pissed mates do this without MH problems) and saying something paranoid to her husband (which he should have handled better) is not the end of the world.

Or should everyone 'walk away' the moment things become a bit difficult? I hope you never have a problem which becomes inconvenient for people.

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