This is my first post, so firstly my apologies. I've been lurking and reading for a while and I've found that what I've read on here has truly opened my eyes to some of the things I've experienced in my life, and has changed my way of thinking for the better (I think!).
Now it is my turn to ask for some of your wise counsel. Or at least a kick up the backside if considered appropriate.
I'm in my mid thirties, and was married for 9 years until that came to an end two years ago. It should have ended a lot sooner. The last time we had sex was just after the honeymoon; after that - nothing. Not through my choice, but he made it clear he wasn't interested, and I didn't know how to broach the subject, so swept it under the carpet. At the beginning, things were all right, I suppose, despite the lack of sex. He had always been fairly undemonstrative, but he was kind and caring, at the beginning anyway. I knew at the back of my mind, even on the day of the wedding, that he probably wasn't right for me, but he was there, he claimed to love me, I thought I loved him, and I wanted some security in my life. I had suffered quite badly from depression in my early 20s, just before I met him, and I think part of me was truly terrified of being left to deal with the possibility of the illness returning and being all on my own. I should say that I am not from this country originally and have no family here at all.
As time went on in the marriage, we began to drift apart emotionally. We both worked long hours, he commuted three hours a day, four days a week, and I worked two jobs. But we always sat down to dinner together and slept in the same bed. We didn't fight, but he would go days, weeks even, without speaking to me. Not for any particular reason, just.........because. He never, ever, ever complimented me, or make me feel good about myself. I have body image issues that are quite long standing and do believe that I am ugly; he would sort of back that up by his indifference.
It all came to a head for me when my father was diagnosed with cancer and was told he had to have an operation immediately and wasn't given much hope for recovery. My husband had booked us a holiday with his family, and I really didn't want to go, because I wanted to be available to get on a flight ASAP if anything happened to my father. My husband basically said, if I didn't go on the holiday as planned, our marriage was over. I went. And spent the whole time climbing a mountain with my mobile held in the air trying to get a signal to see if I had any messages from my mother. It was horrible. Husband and his family didn't seem to notice that there was a problem. When not up the mountain, I spent the rest of the time in silence, being ignored by him and listening to them chat happily together as though I wasn't there. I overheard his mother describing me as "moody and petulant" to my SIL. However, the operation was a success, and my father is very much still alive and doing well.
After that episode, he got a job abroad, and I realised I was so much happier when he wasn't in the house than when he was. It took me over a year, but finally I wrote him a letter and we split up. One of the things he said to me, when I brought up my resentment about how he behaved during my father's illness. He said to me, "you always make such a fuss, I assumed you were exaggerating as usual, and I knew he'd be ok. I couldn't let down my family on the back of one of your dramas". Cancer. Exaggerating. Thanks for that. When I finally left, I had nothing. He had stopped paying the mortgage or his share of the bills without warning, I had to carry the entire costs until the house could be sold, which destroyed my savings. Due to the recession, we lost a ton of money on the house, and due to my shit lawyer (couldn't afford a decent one), he never paid me back the money he owed and got his "share" of the proceeds of the sale. I calculated that he owes me nearly 10k, but I accept now that I will never see it.
So now I'm living on my own and life is returning to me. I still have massive self esteem issues. I have come to recognise that I have never been loved - my husband didn't love me, and the people I had relationships with before him didn't either. I had a few abusive relationships with nasty men, emotionally and physically, when I was in my teens and early 20s. My parents are kind but very distant, and I am an only child. I was deeply in love with someone once who I have never forgotten, but he didn't love me and the relationship didn't last long. Now, I find myself looking at the very strong possibility that I will never be loved. And the possibility that, as my life has demonstrated, I cannot be loved. And it is so unfair. I have friends and I think I do have a lot to give. I know I'm no beauty, but I'm slim and fit and a size 8, and fairly trendy, and know how to dress (sort of); I'm smart enough to have a good PG degree and a decent job, and I have a hobby that I do well enough to be semi-professional at it. But yet.
Since the split I have had two "relationships". One with a man who reintroduced me to sex, which he was amazing at, but who talked the talk, then ran away when it looked like it could get serious. The other was with someone who was the poster boy for narcissism, only I didn't know the term until I started reading Mumsnet! I don't seem to know how to act in relationships, and I don't seem to understand the rules. It seems to me that I am simply not "enough" to be loved. Everyone I meet runs away. And I'm terrified that the one who stays will turn out to be a repeat of the past: abusive, uncaring, or simply uninterested.
Sorry for the essay. I suppose I just would like to hear some insights into what happens next. How to break this cycle, to put the bitterness away, and to deal with the guilt, the hurt and the memories that stalk me every day.