Need advice re in laws

[Name7]

Hi, I had a falling out with MIL a few months ago. She had been saying very nasty things about my nephew and my FIL in front of my nephew and my children. I told her to stop. She stormed out and said she never wanted to speak to me again.
A couple of weeks later it was my nephew's birthday party. I didn't go, my DH took our children as I didn't want there to be an atmosphere. Once they realised I wasn't going they phoned, not to apologise but to say "come on, name, you know I didn't mean it" I said no, my nephew's party was not going to be spoiled by a scene.
I have no problem with them seeing the children but I have not seen them since the fall out, although DH has with our DC.
Problem is, what do I do now? They are complaining that they never see our DC and are being very PA about it, saying they'll hide near school just so they can see them even if they can't talk to them! I realise if I don't initiate contact this kind of thing will continue. DH thinks I never want to see them again, despite me saying that I will see them but will just be polite. Things can never go back to the way they were which is what PIL want. (this is not the first time she has screamed she doesnt want anything to do with me any more. Last time I forgave and truly forgot until this incident).
I know I will have to be the reasonable one, trouble is, how?

No you dont have to be the reasonable one, youve tried that and it didnt work, someone has to sit down and read them the riot act, because if they.she isnt pulled up on this behaviour then it will go on and get worse. She does not get a get out of jail free card because of who she is.

Your dp needs/should step up and sort this out, not you, if you accept the resposibility then you are also forgiving her, her actions which will never get any better un checked.

What has you DH said about all of this?. How did he react to his parents behaviour?. Presumably he heard his mother say nasty stuff about his nephew as well.

His parents sound toxic and actually emotionally unbalanced (she seems to be the driving force and her H enables her out of self preservation and want of a quiet life) if they are seriously suggesting that they'll hide near school just so they can see your children.

Do you really think that these two are worth having any sort of relationship with?. Would you want his parents to actually be in your childrens lives; what positives would they and do they bring to their lives?.

Would suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward. Toxic people always accuse others of not being able to accept a "joke" but they never ever accept any responsibility at all for their actions. Its usual behaviour for such people.

What do you know of MILs background btw?

You would not tolerate this from a friend, family members are really no different.

They know how you feel and you know what they're like. You're never going to be bosom buddies but you can probably operate on the level of polite strangers that have to spend time together occasionally. Unfortunately that's what happens when you get drama-queens that hurl abuse and fall back on 'we didn't mean it'. Unfortunately for your DH, if he's used to their antics, he won't see why it's a problem.

If you've left a decent interval, maybe initiate some get together on neutral turf? A birthday meal out perhaps?

That's what I said to DH, although he said we were both as bad as each other, which nearly split us up. She is a huge drama queen who has always got her own way, she doesn't think this is the case though.

She's never seen her actions have consequences, now they have but I am being painted as the bad guy. No one else is involved, my BIL and SIL have no idea the horrid things that she's said about my nephew, I will never tell. She would just deny it as she's careful to do it out of earshot of DH. However not so careful in front of my DC who do listen and take in what is going on, which is what sparked it all off. If its just me I just don't listen.

Sorry, cross posts with lots! I've just bought toxic in laws so will start reading. MIL's background is mainly "poor me" she's always the underdog. I remember when we first started going out I thought DH, BIL and FIL were very rude to her as they ignored her talking most of the time. I realised soon after that they had just become accustomed to tuning her constant chatter out.

The turning point for me was when she didn't feel she was getting enough sympathy from me regarding one in a long line of fictitious issues and told me she had been sexually abused by an uncle of hers. The way she said it and in the circumstances I am positive it is a lie, which has been confirmed since. But it made me so angry. You don't lie about stuff like that.

"She is a huge drama queen who has always got her own way, she doesn't think this is the case though".

She has probably always been like this and all this started in her own childhood. Her family have gone onto enable her behaviour ever since with consequences now to your own family.

Do you think she has some sort of personality disorder?.

Do read the book I wrote of.

She probably does Attila . I used to advise her to seek counselling but soon realised moaning and complaining is what makes her happy!

You're almost going to have to trick her into saying something horrible when more people are in earshot. She probably won't fall for it but it'll be fun watching her squirm :)

The problem is Cogito that I'm tired of all the drama now. Best case scenario is that when we see each other we are polite and DC get all the attention, but I can't see that happening! She disrupts DC to talk to me about trivial things even while they are trying to show her a picture they have made for her!

'Irritating' you're going to have to deal with because you're kind of stuck with her and, like it or not, at least one of your DCs will think she's a lovely granny. 'Offensive' you're already dealing with even though she doesn't like your methods. Be consistent and no-one can criticise you.