Why am I so bad at maintaining friendships?

[choceyes]

I'm feeling sad today because a close (or should say used to be close) friend of mine is getting married in 2 months time, and she did notify me of the date in Feb by text saying that me and my family were invited, but so far no invitation has arrived. I'm feeling sad because this is really my fault for not keeping in touch with her. I forgot to wish her a happy birthday in April and haven't spoken to her in over 2yrs. Even if she did invite me now, I'd feel akward to go because I don't feel close to her anymore, becuase I am miles away from her (nearly in a different country).

This is the second time this has happened to me actually. A few years ago, a friend notified me of the wedding, but didn't actually invite me, although I invited her to mine a year or two previously. AGain I didn't keep in touch with her much at all, so it wasn't a total surpise when she didn't invite me. Although we have communicated since and meeting up in a few weeks time.

Another close friend of mine seems to have shunned me. We went to school together, she stayed at mine a few times etc. In the last 3-4yrs I've had 2 kids and have been really busy so haven't kept in touch. But I've told her I'll be in our hometown (where she still lives) a few times when I've visited my parents in the last year or so, and everytime she has found an excuse not to meet up with me.

A lot of my friends have moved away recently due to various reasons and I have been so bad at keeping in touch with them. I don't know why this is. When they are around, we are always meeting up and having a great time, but when they move away, for me, it is out of sight out of mind, even though I do care about them and love them as friends.

I'm lazy at keeping touch. I must be a bad friend. Although in the past friends have told me what a good friend I am, and I've been very helpful and loyal to them. Am I bad at choosing friends, or is it me? I do admit to being quite happy in my own company (only child), so maybe don't persue friendships much, and that comes across?

It just hit me how crappy I am at keeping my friends, just this weekend when it dawned on me, that this friend is not going to invite me for her wedding. We went on holiday together, spend nights at each other so was very close for awhile. We did have a disagreement about some baby clothes, but I apologised for that (maybe not soon enough though). I understand why she has done this, but it still hurts.

I think you've hit the nail on the head with the only child bit. I know exactly how you're feeling, and I'm an only child. I think it's harder for us to make & maintain friendships..maybe because we have no one to fallback on ie brothers/ sisters, we try too hard, or, certainly in my case, we expect too much.
I'm a very loyal freind, and at the mo I'm like a hurt animal, licking its wounds out of sight, because a freind has just really hurt me, not even intentionally, she's just a bit flighty, and not at all loyal. ( my oh said " she'd socialise with Myra Hindley if it meant a night out").
I'm very happy in my own company, but I also love to be around people, but if someone pisses me off, they only do it once then I'm gone, but then IM the one friendless.
I also sometimes think our need to be liked shines out of us, and smacks of desperation...another only child thing.
I have no answers for you, I'm in a similar boat. 2 years ago I had lots of friends, but 2 of then pissed me off and they all stuck together, regardless of how much I'd done for them etc. I was cast aside.

I'm happy to be alone, but I'm one of three.

But, I am good at staying in touch. I find it's lovely to send an unexpected postcard to people I live away from or give a quick call to see how they are. I love to chat and I do want to know what's going on in their lives. Do you get bored with chit chat?

I think as I've aged a lot of friends have fallen from the radar. We no longer have stuff in common or a strong enough history to keep friendship going.
Maybe the ones that you've lost touch with haven't got so much in common with you anymore?

No time like the present, so call them or write. Apologise for not getting in touch and say you'd love to go to wedding if they don't mind...They can only fob you off or say hell yeah that would be great. Good luck!

I have always had a lots of friendships and aquaintances, rather than a group of close friends, because I am a bit of an independent creature, and like my own space.

I have also found that, when I had children my world became a bit smaller. My weekends are taken up with local stuff, so I don't have time to go around the country visiting old friends. Many have also moved abroad.

On the other hand, I have made lots of new local friends...

I think the key is actually not to over think it. If you have time to pick up the phone or drop someone a message, than that's great, but if your friends have become tangled up with their local lives, than that's just the way it goes sometimes. x

I think if friends are important to you, then you invest in them. "I'm busy" is just an excuse, as most people have busy lives too.

So this friend has contacted you to tell you her important (to her) news that she's getting married, and I presume that as well as missing her birthday, you haven't contacted her to find out how her plans are progressing, how excited she is, etc etc. What do you think that tells her about how much you mean to her?

I used to be really bad at making and keeping friendships too, but I make a point of remembering birthdays and keeping in touch, if it's a friendship that really means something to me.

And yes, I probably invest more in the friendships than the people I'm keeping in touch with, but really that's no hardship - no friendship is going to be exactly equal.

Thank you so much for your replies, it is wonderful to hear from others in the same kind of situation.

Sittinginthesun - Same has happened to me since I had children. I have a 3.8yr old and a nearly 2yr old and they are such hard work, I'm just exhausted in the evenings. We have no family around for help, as a result we hardly have any free time. Don't even have time to go shopping for clothes unless it is a hurried lunch hour dash from work. So in the evenings I don't really have the time to chit chat to friends. But I know if I did pick up that phone and phone somebody, it would relax me and it is because of laziness not tiredness that I don't do it. And WowOoo you are absolutely right,I'm not really one to chit chat. And I don't really like talking on the phone.

Basically I just don't put the effort in, into friends that move away.

MairyHinge - I think I am a good friend, to those around me. I'm very loyal, helpful and hardly ever hold grudges. It is interesting to hear from a fellow only child. I loved being an only child while I was growing up, but now, not so much.

I'm quite shy too, although I do talk to strangers and chit chat with other mothers at toddler groups etc. I have still a couple of close friends (one of them that I lost touch with over the years, but a very long standing friendship, and we've both had children now and are back to being very close), so I'm trying my best to not lose these as well. But they don't live that close to me, so I do have to make the effort, but they live close enough that meeting up is a reality. When friends are too far away for meeting up, I basically lose interest. Sounds bad doesn't it

MonkeyRisotto - yes you are right. I've not contacted her about her plans or anything. When she announced the wedding, I did congratulate her (a week later) and said we'd be delighted to attend. But nothing since. I sent her an e-mail last week asking her how everything was and how the wedding was planning out, but I haven't heard from her. I don't want to continue to badger her now, as it will just seem like I'm wanting to be invited to her wedding.