thanks so much for taking the time to reply. I feel much calmer this morning. my mum's come over and taken the kids out so I can catch up on sleep. so i'm on mn instead. [weak smile emoticon needed]. I have lots of support from family so on that front I'm ok.
I spoke to him this morning. he's at his mum's still. last night he said in a text message that he's not leaving the kids, he's leaving me. I said that he is leaving the kids and he'll be damaging them by doing it, whatever he thinks. This morning he said that he thought about what I said, doesn't think that the children should suffer because of us, so he wants to come home (!) and live in the spare room (!!!!).
I have said that I'm not prepared to live like that, because it's completely obvious to me that the house would be a place of utter misery for everyone. I have said that it's marriage counselling or nothing. I suspect the place he has found to live is a friend's sofa rather than anything more permanent, although I haven't asked.
I am beginning to wonder a couple of things: firstly is it his depression returning? he came off citalopram about 5 weeks ago after many years. he had counselling at the time and seemed and said he felt much better. I know one of the side effects of coming off it is bad temper, or could this be a rebound depression?
secondly, and this is what I really think: he's unhappy in the marriage, as am I really, and he's not grown up enough to deal with it so he has just stormed off like a fucking teenager without thinking for a second about the consequences, or his children, or his job which he didn't turn up to last night.
Just for the fact that we have been together 12 years and have 2 children, and we were best friends and happy once, I will of course go to counselling with him. ATM everything he says is about blaming me so also a part of me wonders if he is just trying to justify a decision he's already made. I do believe in our marriage, and I can't let a few months of misery ruin years of being generally ok.
I don't think there's another woman. reading mn has taught me that we can never know, though. there's been no secrecy around phones, letters, anything like that, and he hasn't been away/out more then usual. he very rarely goes out and is never late home, although again I know that people can be very clever. I'll bear it in mind.
I am in a good position in that I could, at a push and with difficulty and stress, support myself and the children financially, I think. So I am not bound to him financially.
I do feel that it's not ok that he can just steam off leaving us in chaos and then roll back in again when he's calmed down. It all just seems so unstable. Equally I don't want to throw away a marriage to punish him for this bad behaviour, tempted as I am to tell him to do one right now. I suppose this is stuff that a counsellor could discuss. And I suppose it would help us to understand if the marriage really is over without it descending into shouting and insults.
Is Relate the best?
Sorry to go on so much. Even if nobody's read this far just writing it down is really helping me to sort out my feelings, so thanks mn.