Time to ditch old friends and find new with more in common - how?

[bacon]

I dont have really close friends anymore, I lost my best friend many years ago when her OH was having an affair and she moved away and that was that. I have a close friend but we are very different I find her very material,- she's not on my wave length but she has been good to me and our friendship has lasted but I'm desperate for proper close friends with the same interests and values as me as I spend far too much time alone and I want that close interaction with banter, fun, laughing, popping over for coffee etc. Believe me I do have friends but they have come about as friends of my husbands they are nice but there isnt that gel there and they belong of their own group.

I'm in my early 40's now and I feel as though apart from my husband I have no close friend and spending lots of time with the children alone drives me insane yet I need someone to talk to, have banter, perhaps even go away with would be wonderful but am I too old to slot into an established group of friends.

I have great banter and do join in the occassional school thing but there is no one there I really clic with ie I'm very creative I talk about baking etc and all they can do is stand in amazment that I can cook - like I'm from another planet!!!

With the problem of getting out regularly in the evenings I'm really unsure where I go from here.

OP, are you in a large city? I have a similar problem and i think bigger cities aer not great for finding close friends as everyone is rushing around and stressed and take so long to travel that if they do have time, it's evenings only but everyone lives in different areas (in London it means LONG distances). In a small town easier as people seek company more and thre aer maybe pottery/cooking classes easy to reach.

No, far from it I'm semi rural but dont find this area that friendly either. Close to big town and large city.

Major problem is the life we live its on a farm, OH works in construction and we are self employed, always too much business talk, its very busy here too. OH has always been selfish with family time and has freetime doing his sports leaving me with the children. I find it hard discussing our life to other mums as many people clock off on a Friday and share the chores but its not like that here and its not just him its the lifestyle we live. He works his guts out takes on loads of stress while I have the home and children (and business).

I dont have problem talking and do come across confident but I cant seem to build new relationships.

did you try to stick to one group doing somehting creative, rather than talking to various people? Lots of various sawing workshops/pottery/painting in small towns - or can you literally not leave the house for a few hours? maybe start your own baking class?

sewing

I know exactly what you mean. I think it might get a bit harder at our age... We are all busy, with little free time, and I think I'm less likely to tolerate or adapt to people with different values.

I don't think there's an easy answer. Because you don't necessarily meet similar people, just because you both sew...

Volunteer. Lots of groups would like to share your baking skills. Any food festivals/fetes/etc in your area? Get on the committee.

You'll meet some right annoying twats, some jolly types and one or two good friends. Don't expect instant invitations, it takes time - but I'm sure you can do it because you sound nice

Pftem feel the same as you OP. I have onevery close friend but she lives 5 hours away and sometimes you just want to hang out with somene in RL. I've been looking for years and never found anyone I click with as an adult the way I used to with people when I was a student. I think finding a best friend is as hard as finding the right life partner tbh...and in the same way I think perhaps a lot of people never do...??

I cant go missing all day!!! So volunteering isnt an option. I get little help with our young children so the odd 2hr in the week is all I can go for and cant commit the same day.

I'm not sure about the sewing group as imagine the age group will be a lot older and not really into patchwork and fuddy stuff.

Perhaps I have to accept this situation until the children are older. I am pretty happy but I do need close relationships and feel sad at the weekends.

It doesn't need to take all day! Also crafts are dead trendy right now. I know a bunch of 18 year-olds who meet and make stuff! Try typing random things into facebook and see what comes up.

Or a nature kids/forest crafts - type thing?

I found a local one on netmums

I don't think you need to ditch old friends- you could even look up your old BF, she may be pleased to hear from you.

As for making new ones, you've had some good practical suggestions but I think you need to be realistic. Not many people have a group of friends who all live close, and go out for girly nights full of laughter. This is more a student experience.

I get together with my old friends once every few years for this type of night, but we all have families/can't travel/need to coordinate like it is a military operation.

Locally, I have friends I see individually for a coffee, the odd night, it's lovely. I bet there are other mums out there who would like to go out on a weekend night, see who is around you and start asking. You only need one or two like-minded folk to make a big difference to your life.

By the way, I don't think they need to be similar (e.g. understand the farming life)- some of my friends are very different to me, single, or have no children, or have quite different values, but I click with them and laugh together and that's more important than being the same, IMO.