Is it wrong to prefer teenagers/young adults in small doses?

[LemonDrizzled]

I left my H 2 years ago and the (older) DC all stayed with him in the family home. Prior to that I had been stressed and unhappy and finding family life very battering. I was snappy and critical of my H and some of that rubbed off on my DC who have at times been aggressive and hurtful to me too.

Much later I am relaxed and happy. Things with H have settled down and we have new partners and a reasonably good co-parenting relationship. The DC come for supper, sleep over occasionally and we have talked through the unacceptable behaviour both I and they exhibited. Most of the time now there is no problem. I have accepted I am more sensitive than I realised and used aggression as a defensive shield.

My anxiety is that when I invite the DC over often they are too busy and I really don't mind! I see them as much as I can manage when they are home from Uni. I drive them back and forth, I take them shopping, I do activities with them for birthdays and holidays. But the relationship feels more distant yet better. Less battering and less hurtful.

Am I protecting myself at their expense? Or do teenagers not need Mum as much and it is okay?

When I asked the youngest DS17 tonight for his opinion he said "If I wanted to see you more I would ask!"

I guess I am just uncertain whether this is okay or am I a distant parent causing them harm?

I find that now my dc. are 14 & 18 that they do their own things now like going out with friends etc. And they tend to come to me to chat or when they are wanting something.
I regularly joke with my dd14 that I need to book an appointment with her to see her and spend some time with her.
And as for my ds 18 he seems to just come and go with a wee chat in between and will you iron my jeans/shirt etc. Though god forbid I would go shopping with him now that would be way too embarrassing.

I think you are doing the right by just being there for your dc and as your dc said they will tell you if they want to be with you...

Thanks twiggy I suppose after all the years of involved hands on parenting and PTA/taxi/sports club duties it feels weird to be so disconnected from them all. Then I feel mildly guilty for the relief of not being the target of their grumpiness.

I actually prefer ds now at 18 than when younger but I still seem to spend an awful lot of time with him and chatting shopping etc. But I think that is his personality he will often come shopping/coffee/lunch etc but gaain its his choice. I think everyone is different but you may regret it later if there is distance between you? Although they sound like they know their own minds. How close are they to their dad?

The irony is that their DF left all the family stuff to me for years, house/garden/school/PTA/taxis etc while he was a workaholic. When we split up he was adamant he wasn't going to leave "his house" so I moved out and they stayed in their own rooms to cause as little disruption as possible to A levels etc.

He has stepped up to the plate since I left. He employs a housekeeper and a gardener (!) and he has them all doing the cooking shopping and laundry when they are home. He has plenty of money to take them skiing and travelling, to sports events etc. So his relationship with them has got much better without me there to mediate it.

That is a good thing I think. I guess I am missing the closeness/turbulence/rows I had with them before, but enjoying our more adult relationship now.

I think I am just posting to check that what I feel is okay.

I?ve two children, 20 and 23, who lived with me after the divorce but now live away at university etc. I?ve learned a few things over the years.

One is to text before calling them, unless I know they?ll be free and alone. I send them a text saying, ?Hey, fancy a chat? Prank call if you do and I?ll call you back.? Quite often I?ll get a call straight back but other times I?ll just get a text saying they?re out and will call the next day. I think it puts the onus to speak on them. My ex, on the other hand, just texts 90% of the time and doesn?t phone. He misses out on the tone of their voice and how they are really feeling. If they text something like ?I?m really fed up? I will always call, whereas he carries on texting ? I think this is a big mistake.

Another is to never criticise one of their friends. For example if their friend gave up a job to go on the dole (big bugbear of mine!) then I just say nothing ? not in a passive aggressive way ? but if something?s called for, I?d say something like, ?I hope he gets himself sorted out with a new job before winter comes; he?ll find the heating bills a nightmare.? If you criticise their friends (my ex would say, ?I?d keep away from that one?) then they side with them.

Also, always behave in a mumsy kind of way. ?Have you eaten enough?? ?I made that cake you like? etc. No matter how old they are, they like being fed and warm and looked after.

Sorry this is so long!

Ha I like that Blether because they are used to me going on "Have you got a warm coat" "Did you pack sun cream?" "Have you lost weight again are you eating properly?".
Mums should be boring and predictable and not cause upset.
I behaved in a way that upset them by leaving their Dad and going off and having some extremely brave adventures and am still involved in some extreme sports, but they are reassured (I think) that I still care whether they wear a vest in winter!
The food thing is true too. Cooking family favourite meals for them and having familiar treats especially when they are ill or down seems to make them happy.

There's always some minefield to negotiate in families. It comes with the territory! But I am learning that it doesn't need to lead to ill feeling and anger. It can just cause a wry chuckle and a hug.