Please advise re relationhip with my mum in regards to her unsavoury friend

[ChorizoGnocchiPinotGrigio]

It's not possible to put it all in so I will inevitably drip feed.

My mother has had this friend for about 7 years. He is the son of the neighbour living in the next block. My mum's 60 now and he is few years older. He hadn't lived in the city for years but must have been back to see his mother (or something) and he got to know my mum, who was being friendly with the woman. I am sure think my mum fancied him at some point but as it turned out later on he just seemed to get friendly with women and not proceed further. 6 years ago (I was 23) my mum said to come over to his place outside the city for a summer break with her. I did and he was behaving very inappropriately with me, which took me by surprise and made me feel quite vulnerable as it was his place/ we were his guests/ my mum was nice to him/ he was just before a life threatening surgery and we were in the middle of a flipping village, which didn't have a train station.

Anyway, I left few days early as he was an arse but that is not why I'm writing. He seems to have an obsession with young girls. First i though young like me then, as his first wife was much younger than him and I thought that was it. But he made (one in front of me and the rest is relayed by my mother) several comments re girl before puberty. How beautiful they are, once he was obsessing about a 10 year old (seemingly he's done nothing) but she told him 'you're too old for me" so she must have sussed his interest was more than friendly. now to me that's a peadophile. Might, I hope, not be an active one, judging y the way he makes those awful (I know it's an understatement) comments so poeple know how he is.

My mother hasn't cut contact with him. That's my problem. She's spoken to me about it and I told her what I think of him, she's says that's a condition, she deosnt think he's done anything becasue if she did she would've reported him. Im guesssing there is a bit of her trying to keep an eye on him but ultimately she doesnt have a lot of friends. I knwo how stupid it sounds but that's what she's sai anmd I do not understand it. It shows me her judgement is impaired, I don't trust her and she just thinks I'm overreacting. Just got off the phone with her, after she said he was at her place and he wanted to say coiple of words to me?! WTF, I made myself so clear I don't want to know anything in regards to him, but she put first not offending him before my wishes.

Now I do have temper and we argued about it but I think she thinks it was all my fault and Im just being inflammatory. She's my mother and she has sacrificed a lot for me (I can see it, she doesn;t say it) and she loves me very, very much. I don't think I respect her anymore.

Im due to go home soon fro few weeks and stay at hers with my toddler DD. It's a worry that I cant trust her not to have him in the house when Im out catching up with freinds and she's minding her. She's dome soemthing before to dosabuse my trust re pics of my DD (basically she frwarded them to him, when DD was born to make an official annoucement as she was so proud as her grandma. I went balistic as I told her specifically before not to do it. she forgot apparent;y plus it would be rude not to make a proper annoucement and it was her right to do it - argh!). How to deal with my mum? I only end up arguing and she thinks I'm in the wrong.

He was behaving inappropritely towards me, not 'with' me.

Possibly your mother's old enough to decide who her friends are for herself.

Your DD isn't, and you can decide who she sees. If you cannot trust your mother, then do not leave DD with her.

It's difficult. You're trying to manage this as best you can, but 1) it seems your Mum betrayed your trust in forwarding photos when you specifically asked her not to, and 2) she's not respected your wish to try to avoid contact with this person.

It's always difficult to deal with people who don't respect your wishes ? particularly if they're family members.

Two points come to mind:
1- You've got to protect your DD at any cost. She cannot defend herself.
If you think she's at risk you have no choice but to keep her away from Mum's friend - and if your Mum will not respect your wishes in that regard, then DD cannot be left alone with her either. There's no way round that one.

2- Adults are free to see whom they choose - and that includes you. If your Mum wants to see this man, that's up to her. But you don't have to meet him.

It might be easier said than done but you can work towards that. Be firm but polite, and quietly insistent...
Make sure you're in a position to leave independently if you find he gets 'sprung' on you (taxi money, whatever)!

Managing your relationship with your Mum might take some work in the long term ? ie you love her, but she's subtly over-riding you, and that's not good. It doesn't sound like arguing is going to change much there. Your frustration is totally understandable.

I'm with Leverette - if a 10 year old realised his 'interest' on some level and it was significant enough for her to tell him he was too old, someone needs to report this man. I don't know enough about grooming to say this is what this is but it sounds very much like it to me. There is no way I would leave your dd with your mum if she can't be trusted to keep this man away from her.

Hi, thanks for getting back to me. Yes, arguing doesn't seem to change much, I just get so frustrated she can't see why I find it all so unbelievable.

Leverette and Lazarusb - I don't know the 10 year old, I don't know where it was and exactly when, and it was in another country. It was told to me by a third person (my mother) and yes, when I heard about it first time I said it qualifies for informing the authorities. That's why my reactions verge from hysterical screeching when talking to my mother, to feeling guilty because I've known her all my life as a kind person (not without issues, but who isn't), so I'm hoping she would do something if what she saw first hand was really off.

Coming back to the girl, I think she was all the time with her family and it was a summer fair when she said that and from what I gather he was 'joking' that he would marry her. I would like to stress that, hopefully, it all boils down to him talking inappropriate (well, disturbing to you and me) shite but actually wouldn't physically attack a child.

It is a very difficult situation that was sprung on to me and now I know of someone that talk about fancying little girls but I do not have enough info to alert the authorities and be treated seriously. He does that openly and has done so apparently for years. he has friends who seem to get annoyed by it but clearly do not think he is a physical danger.

That's why for now my main concern is my relationship with my mother and by extension my DD's relationship with our extended family. She's deeply offended I don't trust her and to be honest I start to think she's not well in the head. i spoke to her this morning, calmly over the phone, and she complained 'poor her in the middle, what is she to do'. Well...

Sorry, long again. Very difficult to write about it and I try to be as factual as possible plus I've never discussed it with anyone.

It's going to be really hard, but ignore your mother's 'poor me' act on this issue. You have to be really ruthless in protecting your DD. As others have said, don't leave her alone with your mother unless you can really trust her not to invite the friend around (I don't think you can, sadly).

It sounds as thou he's done a real number on her actually, almost like grooming her to accept he does and says these things and minimising what it really is. Because actually, you are not asking for much- just for her to keep one person away from you and your daughter. And even though you're her daughter, and he's just a friend, she won't do it.

Your dd, rightly, is your priority. You are doing the right thing, don't let your mum derail you from protecting her first. I know it's hard enforcing things with parents and grandchildren but you will be worrying the whole time they are together otherwise.

Agree with Eldritch.... Your Mum may indeed by deeply offended that you don't trust her, but she's already betrayed your trust and not respected your wishes. So you are responding quite reasonably to what has actually happened. She had the choice to respect your wishes and chose not to (sorry I don't believe 'I forgot', that's just cheeky).

You've got to protect your child ? no choices there - so if she's offended she'll just have to be offended. Let her deal with her hurt feelings, and stand calm and firm.

After all, who cared about YOUR feelings when your Mum broke her word? ( I'm guessing they were seen as unimportant, or mistaken in some way?)

In passing, I'm wondering if your Mum has changed recently or if she's always treated you like this ? ie quietly overriding what you want, and putting strangers' wants and needs above yours. This kind of thing can be very subtle, and hard to deal with, especially when you care about the person doing it.