I suppose I'm just looking for reassurance (long)

[watermargin]

I'm really sorry, this might turn out to be a long one.

I don't even know where to begin now! I have a daughter, she is only two weeks old. She is beautiful. :) But I am not with her dad, and we were never in a relationship.

I've never been in a relationship or had a boyfriend or even anything close. I had very low self esteem even as a little girl, my parents used to tell me how fat I was and this got worse in adolescence. I wasn't fat although like a lot of teenagers I went through a chubbyish stage but I've never been fat. I actually was borderline anorexic at 15 because my parents were so critical of me. When I was 16, they split up and I became a bit closer to my mum then but she died. My dad had a new wife at this point, who made it clear she didn't want anything to do with me (I am an only child.) I was very, very lonely. I managed to do really well in my A levels, go to university and got a good job as a teacher and then got several promotions. I still thought I was very ugly though and I used to look at other girls and want to look like them and want to be them. Although I had female friends I often felt embarrassed and self conscious in front of men because I thought if they thought I liked them they'd take the piss, basically (I was bullied quite badly by boys at school, although not because of my so-called weight problem, it was because I was quiet and spoke quite poshly compared to many of my peers, I don't mean that horribly, it's just an area with a really strong accent!)

I tried Internet dating a few times but I never got anywhere which confirmed my belief I was too ugly for a boyfriend.

Last autumn I became close to a man at work who was twenty five years my senior, married and with grown up children. I was finding work particularly stressful at that time, and so was he and we bonded over this and I stupidly slept with him and didn't use protection. Not long after this I discovered I was pregnant. The circumstances were awful of course but I was somewhere inside me delighted. I always wanted to be a mum and when I discovered I was having a girl, I just loved my baby (I don't mean I wouldn't have if she'd been a boy, it's just she became so real to me then.) I have a lovely little house I own, it's small but it has two bedrooms and lots of savings and good prospects at work. At work, I have vaguely made out that I'm in a relationship (I am quite a private person so this hasn't surprised anyone) and I suppose we shall "split up" at some point. My daughter's dad has given me quite a generous sum of money, enough for me to take a long period off on maternity leave without touching my savings, but it's in cash and it's informal. I haven't named him as the father as I don't want to hurt his grown up children who are only a bit younger than me (I'm 30) and lovely.

My dad wants nothing to do with me so it's literally just me and my DD. So many people are critical of us, they think it won't be healthy for DD to grow up without a dad or even a grandad or an uncle or a sister or brother and I'd love to give her the latter but how when even when I was single I couldn't attract men! I swear, I'm not ugly - I see that now, I'm not fat but on the other hand I am face not figure, it's not that I'm fat but I have short legs and smallish boobs and one of those bellies that always sticks out a bit no matter how skinny I am (I lovedbeing pregnant as I had an excuse lol) I am about 11 stone 3 at the moment which isn't bad as I've just had a baby, hopefully I can lose about a stone and a half before I go back to work.

I can't help but think I've no chance of meeting anyone though, even though am pretty, successful and friendly and kind - why? I just can't help but wonder what is wrong with me that no one wants me and I am so sad my lovely DD will not have a dad or a sister or brother :(

Look, I don't know you, of course, so obviously I can't tell if there is anything wrong with you that stops you attracting available men. Although you are critical of yourself the body shape you describe is fine and someone, somewhere will think it's perfect. I sincerely doubt you're ugly. In any case some huge ugly women with moustaches get married and some slim pretty ones are lonely. It's not all about looks.

I don't know what the future holds, whether you push men away (except predatory married chancers), whether you'll have another baby, or whether Mr Right is just around the corner. I can tell you two things though:

a) Your parents let you down big-time. One of the most important roles of a parent is to help their children grow up with confidence and self-belief. They did exactly the opposite. No wonder you don't love yourself very much. Loving yourself, being comfortable in your skin, makes you more attractive, by the way (so they say).

b) Your baby will be fine growing up without a dad or siblings if that's how the future turns out. Single parenthood is not an easy option but it does have its advantages. Look how many new mothers on this board alone have terrible trouble with partners suddenly going all control-freaky on them, or being jealous of the time they spend with the baby. You won't have all that rubbish. It'll be you and the little one, bonding to your heart's content. In due course she'll go to toddler club, childminder, school etc where she will meet other people, have friends, see male role models. You had two parents but they weren't the right sort of parents. Your daughter won't be deprived because she'll have you, 100% on her side, teaching her to love herself as you love her. It's going to be great.

There is nothing wrong with you!

You need to start focusing more on the positive things you have achieved-you sound as if you have a great job,a lovely house,enough money to be secure and now you have a lovely daughter-wow!! those are great achievements!

You never know whats around the corner for you in regards to relationships but at the moment you have your new baby to concentrate on.

Have you tried contacting any single parent organisations like Gingerbread? might make some new friends-maybe even men friends!- and that way you will and your dd will not feel so isolated.

Congratulations again on your baby-I hope you have a lovely life!!

Congratulations on the birth of your daughter :) (slightly jealous, I'm 37 weeks pregnant and still have to go through the whole birth thing before I meet my first child).

You've spoken about how others are critical of you having now partner or family for your daughter. How do you feel about it?

Its normal to feel a bit sad and lonely about the lack of family but its not like you have choosen this. You couldn't help losing your mother, having no siblings and a father who isn't interested. Yes, ideally you would have planned your first child with a partner who could be there for the child growing up, but then she wouldn't be who she is now and it sounds like you are in a great position to raise her yourself and have a lot of love to share with this little girl.

Many people do plan their children but then aren't able to raise them together because of divorce or death. Many people come from large families that aren't supportive. Your circumstances are different, and you are creating the best life for your daughter that you can.

You seem to believe that you need to be physically perfect to have someone find you attractive and want a relationship. Trust me, I'm not pretty and I'm overweight and I didn't kiss anyone all through school because I also thought boys found me unattractive and if they did show an interest I thought they just wanted to humiliate me. But I have found a great relationship, honest, it does happen. It even happens to single mums too.

So please don't think you are forever depriving your daughter of a family. For starters, she has you! And you sound great :) And there is plenty of time for you to find someone and have children with them. You're only 30

You might be feeling a bit fragile at the moment - you've just had a major life changing experience and your emotions are probably all over the place. Concentrate on the most important relationship you have at the moment, with your new baby. If you feel down, then maybe it would be good to talk to your health visitor or GP about feeling isolated, they might be able to help you find support from other new mums, and if you are getting depressed then they'll keep an eye out for you.

In the longer term, councilling may help you deal with these feelings that you aren't good enough and help you come up with strategies for attracting the right kind of relationships into your life.

Thank you for lovely replies :)

Honestly and truthfully, I'm fine with being a single mum, I love it! I got to decide my daughter's name, I get to decide everything (oh dear that makes me sound control freakery, I'm not) where she goes to school and what she wears and don't need to consult with anybody over it.

I don't make a habit of going for married older men though, it was only once! I was actually a virgin before that in my defence I didn't know at that time he was married, he was a widow and he'd implied he had stayed like that but then I found out he'd re-married.

I think people are critical because I could die and DD would be alone but then also - I think people don't like accepting a woman can be happy without a man?

Stuff what some people might say! You've done really well in your very demanding career, you're solvent and a new mum. How brilliant is that!

Enjoy your little podling and your new life with her. If a naice chap comes along who enhances your life, then great but you don't need one. You're doing fab as you are :)

Congratulations on the birth of your lovely daughter, and on becoming a mum.

I thought I'd chip in to say that I am the only daughter of a lone mum. I had a wonderful childhood and many more opportunities than I would have had with siblings or remarriage, tbh.

I was hoping that times have changed but I remember my mum speaking of the pressure of "the establishment" that she should have a partner, etc. she always advocated and still does than alone is better than in bad company. Couples can dies together too. Live your life. Make a will or sort out what if arrangements and relax.

Focus on yourself and your baby. For every person who disapproves, they may well be ten more who envy you.

Couples can die not dies... Or dear.

It is clear that the way you feel is hugely down to your past experiences- your parents' appaling behaviour, bullying at school etc. Apart from that there's no reason why you shouldn't be confident- you are smart, have a good job, are friendly and kind and happy single mummy! Good on you i say. It's your past that's in the way. If i was you i would invest in a good therapist who can help you get past the negative self image and low self esteem, i am actually seeing one myself and can assure you that does help to see things in a different light and start changing core beliefs about yourself. Your little daughter will be absolutely fine, at the moment she doesnt need anyone else but you. Also, what do you mean by others being critical towards your situation- have they told you directly? i'm just wondering if that could only be your perception as that's what you expect from people (criticism) as that's what you always got from your parents? Surely you can't be the only single mom with no relatives so i dont see why anyone would be so critical? Congratulations by the way, you sound like a happy and loving mother, your daughter is lucky to have you as mom x

If you would like to become pregnant again in the future, you have the option of sperm donation. More single women are doing this now and if you search from threads on here then most people are fine with the idea.

I think you need to build up your confidence and there are various things you can try, such as self-help books and perhaps some counselling.

A lot of your OP is about your appearance but I'm sure you look perfectly nice! Do you have any outside interests where you could meet likeminded people (not so easy with a small baby, but to perhaps take up again later?)

volAUvent makes a good point, if a sibling is important for you then there is always sperm donation. I know someone who has done this and is a very happy single mum. I am sorry that you are lonely though, but you just don't know what or who is around the corner, fate is a funny thing. And i know this sounds so cliche, but once you stop looking!

The married man took advantage of your lonliness, but im not going to judge you or him. He did provide some financial support and it may wel be better this way than have him as a reluctant parent. My DDs father didn't want to know, she has never met him, she is 22 now and perfectly happy. I did meet someone else, we have been together 20 years but he was never a father figure to DD1. Not in the strictest sense.

You sound so strong and self sufficient, intelligent and articulate - it sounds like there is an awful lot to like. Maybe do something to alter your social circle and you never know what will happen. I met my DP so randomly, at a party that i decided to go to at the last minute - fate, see!

All that said, you are right, you don't need a man (or a woman, would you go there?, it is an option maybe you find men difficult to relate to? apologies if thats totally off radar, but just a thought). You sound like a lovely mum, your daughter is a lucky lucky girl.

I used to think it was my appearance but now I know it isn't. Everyone else seems to say how nice I look - not sure that's always true! - but obviously ugly people meet others as well!

I don't think I do relate hugely well to men to be honest and I'm not sure why. One big thing is that I'm not very sexual, I never have been, I don't know whether that's because of childhood or if some people just have a "take it or leave it" approach to sex. I have just never really been bothered about sex or felt I'm missing out by not having a sexual relationship.

I tried counselling once but I hated it!

I wish you would learn to like yourself a bit more. I wonder why you didnt like the counselling? Did it bring up stuff that made you uncomfortable? I am waiting to start CBT counselling, have you heard of it? I had traditional counselling and it didnt really work for me. CBT is about changing behaviour patterns and thought processes, it is about the here and now and not about dredging up stuff from our past. For me, i have an OK past, no nagging issues, just anxiety. Anyway, maybe look into that, if you feel you need to make a change, which you obviously do, because you posted on here :) Maybe your take or leave it attitude for sex is because you haven't met the person to presses the right buttons yet?

I'm glad you're happy with being a single mum, must admit when I'm discussing things like names and schooling with my DH, I sometimes wish I could just do things my own way! So there are definately positives.

It is good to make sure you have a bit of a support network, whether through existing friends or through other new mums that you meet in groups. You and your daughter don't need to be related to the people you build up relationships with but it is great to have people to speak to when you need support and to share good times with. As people here have said, if you don't meet a partner by the time you'd like to have another child, do consider sperm donation.

You sound like you are making a great job of a situation that many others would have struggled with. Awesome.

I am a fan of the Gilmore Girls... so amazing single mother and daughter relationships are maybe a bit romanticised in my mind :)

I just found counselling a bit of a waste of time to be honest! It was very much like sitting and talking but then nothing changed, it didn't make a difference either way.

I don't know where I said I didn't like myself, I used to not like myself!

Thank you :) I will look at sperm donation when my little lady is older probably!

Just to say that if you use an HFEA-licensed UK fertility clinic for the sperm donation, the donor won't be the legal parent, will have no legal obligation to the child, will not be named on the birth certificate, will not have any rights over the child's upbringing and will not be asked to support the child financially. Such clinics must conform to strict medical, legal and ethical standards.

Lol VolAuVent - that's what I want! :)