Im an arsehole. what is this?

[PooPooInMyToes]

If, everytime you told you husband, wife or whatever that you were upset about something they had done and they said "yeah Im an arsehole" (in a way which clearly indicated that they don't think they are), how would you react to that?

What is that called even? I told him its emotional blackmail so that I'll say "oh no of course you're not" and then drop the issue. I also told him its behaving like a bloody teenager, trying to deflect the argument. But i don't think either of these properly sums it up.

What do you lot think? Im so angry!

"Is it really that unreasonable to expect him to just do it!"

When all the evidence is that he won't 'just do it'... yes. Listen. When you've got a lazy bugger on your hands he will use any excuse to get out of pulling his weight, including exploiting any guilty feelings. (That 'poor me' business with the cigarette is utterly pathetic btw) Families don't often run themselves. THey need managing if you're to stay sane and - like a CEO - you have to learn to combine direction with delegation or you'll continue to get dumped on.

"I can't force him"

Yes you can.

I find it so hard to be assertive in that they way. It makes me feel so guilty to say i need time alone, but i really do! I get very impatient and irritable when i get no time alone so it effects my kids.

He's not actually lazy at all, so i don't know why he does it. I think when they were babies it was confidence. I remember telling him that it is actually possible to go food shopping with a baby! Perhaps its habit or perhaps its because i am always here being reliable.

(i completely ignored the cigarette comment)

All guilt achieves is to turn you into a very unhappy martyr. And he is being lazy in this regard because he's looking for the easy route all the time. Easier to go shopping without the baby. Easier to do errands without the children. Easier to leave the baby to the wife and claim he lacks 'confidence'. Easier to shrug his shoulders and say 'I'm an arsehole' than engage in an conversation that might get tricky. Don't be fooled.

hmm that's interesting.

He's not lazy in that he works hard, is good in the night etc, but he does take the easy option, at my expense. If I were to say this to him of course he would say something along the lines of "oh yeah I never do anything" to put an end to it.

I know that us as a family mean more to him then anything so I don't understand it.

It always feels as though things are at my expense. For eg, we've had family issues and he just lets things happen because it's the easier option . . . at my expense . He has MH issues and a narc parent.

I feel so frustrated and irritable which of course effects my children (as you know cog from my threads in parenting) and lately I am starting to wonder WHY more. I almost feel repressed although I don't think that is the right word, I don't know what is. I feel like I might explode!

deflection

passive aggression

being a dick

I dunno

he sounds like an arsehole though, he is quite correct in his summing-up of the situation

Look, the root of the problem is that this man thinks you're a 'woman'. Not a person, unlike him. So domestic work and childcare are what you're for. Him doing anything with the DC is 'helping' and he deserves lots of praise and patting for it (and probably sex as well).

It's perfectly reasonable to need childfree time. In a couple-with-children family, both adults need the same amount of leisure time, time without the kids, to do things for themselves. So he needs either to step up or you need to get rid of him.

"If I were to say this to him of course he would say something along the lines of "oh yeah I never do anything" to put an end to it."

So you don't say it like that. Come on... you're an intelligent woman. Listing someone's faults is always going to get them on the defensive, heels dug in, eyes rolling and they stop listening. It's so much background 'blah'. There are times for reading the riot act and there are times to employ a few smarts.

Example... if you want someone to make you a cup of tea do you chew them out because they never put the kettle on, are totally thoughtless and why do I always end up doing it you idle bastard!!!? Or do you tell them what a lovely they make and if they're putting the kettle on would they be a sweetheart and bring a cup upstairs in a few minutes...

Sounds like he'd rather just get on with saying it's all him, so that he can avoid discussing that, that to some men must be avoided at all cost, 'feeling discussions' (ahhhg! ). Some men just can't outwardly deal with emotions.

Why do you take the children with you when you need to do stuff to, how did you put it? take them out of his way?

He clearly feels it is reasonable to go out alone and leave the children with the other parent, even when that person is working.

So do that too. He does it, so he feels it's a reasonable thing to do and therefore there is no reason on earth why you shouldn't do it too. Surely?

And that's what you can say to him, in baffled voice, when he complains

I think in his case he avoids confrontation like the plague.

I wouldn't say he has more leisure time then me. Neither of us have much, but he gets to spend time with the dcs some of the time and work some of the time. I just spend time with our dcs and i go a bit loopy. I don't get a change of scene. What with my guilt about wanting time to myself it would be really great if i could get that without fighting for it.

I don't expect him to be a mind reader of course.

Well if he was working for eg i would take the kids out. What i was doing wasn't working but it was important and needed concentration (a bit like homework).

Saying that when i used to work i would have to work at the same time as looking after the kids (during the day when he was at work) or after they went to bed meaning i put as working very late and would be exhausted. Whereas now he works from home sometimes i put the kids to bed so he can start earlier (at his request) and not be working past midnight. Oh the luxury.

Meaning i would be working . . .

Oh . . . he's just told me he smoked today I took no notice.

In the distant past I was married to an alleged ex-smoker and he never shut up about the bastard things. Either wanted a pat on the head for not smoking even though he really wanted one... or he'd have one and then have a pity party for being so weak ... or I'd be annoyed with him about something so he'd have one just to spite me. He was an arsehole too....

Like I said, he thinks that he matters and you don't, and he will never put himself out for you. You're a 'woman' so you don't merit consideration and you shouldn't have any needs of your own.
So have a think about what good points this man actually has, and if you can come up with a good list, then what you need to do with him is tell him calmly and politely what you want him to do.
'H, please take the kids out shopping with you today, I need to do some work.'
'H, I am going out on Friday with friends, you need to take care of teatime and baths and bedtime'.
Make it clear to him that you have a life, you are not just a domestic appliance and that they are his kids too. And lose the guilt about wanting childfree time, childfree time is essential.