No one has bothered to tell me my father has cancer.

[ThatBintAgain]

Slight namechange but some of you might know who I was before and remember the backstory. Waaaay to massive to get into, but to cut a very long story short: there were some fairly massive issues and we've been treated like crap by my father and stepmother. We would have a massive argument, then SM would call up the next week and pretend literally nothing had happened. They do and say terrible things, then pretend nothing had happened and I got to the point where I couldn't face another bizarre fake phone call or postcard through the door telling us what a fantastic time they were having on one of their many holidays. So I said that I'd like to either actually deal with things and sort them out, or just not have any contact at all.

This hasn't gone too brilliantly as they've refused to go along with either request, they have shown absolutely no desire to sort anything out, but still continue to send cards through DH's mother, which has put her in an awkward situation. I made it very, very clear that we weren't saying that we never want to hear from them again, but that we need to sort things out before we can have any kind of relationship.

In their usual control freak fashion they have deliberately misunderstood what we said and are taking great delight in telling everyone that we've cut them off and won't let them see the children. And in the light of this, although they continue to send birthday cards etc, they haven't bothered to tell me that my father has cancer. Everyone else in the world knows but I found out from a relative by text last night because she thought I ought to know.

I just find this completely despicable. It seems to me like this is another symptom of their game playing and controlling. They deliberately didn't tell one particular family member because they knew they would tell me, and they said they'd tell me if and when. I get the impression this is so they can use it to guilt trip me ("you're being mean to your father and he's got cancer" ) and I'm just levelled by yet again the total lack of regard that they are showing.

Sorry, this is a bit long, and I'm just trying to get my head straight. DH last night thought I should call them, but to be honest its obvious that my father has no wish to tell me, see me or sort things out and I'm still clearly lower than shit where they are concerned, so what would be the point?

I am really tempted to call the very small handful of people that I thought would have told me and ask them why the bloody hell they didn't tell me but not sure this is the best course of action at this point.

As awful as I may sound - I would say you should not call them up. There behaviour sounds like a good example of why you reduced contact in the first place. But then it depends what you want to do in regards to your father... but i would not be calling them demanding why they never told you, as sadly it seems like that is the reaction they want. You could write a letter to your father and ask if there is anything he needs ? But thats without knowing the whole situation.

keepcalm I think you're right. I'm not calling them, clearly they don't think I'm worthy of knowing and I can't be arsed with another pointless argument. I've just been debating sending a simple get well card, and then putting it out of my head. That seems to me to be the human thing to do and also makes it clear that I know, so they can't later use it against me?

I remember you and the backstory very well.

As you have rightly surmised, this is yet another in their long lines of examples of toxic parenting and utter overstepping of boundaries. They are both toxic and your father is completely cowed by his toxic wife aka your stepmother. They have used all the usual tactics that such toxic people employ to get others not to tell you about your Dad's state of health.

You need to get your head around the fact though that such people will never ever be reasonable towards you or even emotionally balanced so long as night follows day. They are unbalanced emotionally and thus cannot be reasoned with. They are trampling on any boundaries you care to set by sending via your DHs mother unsolicited mail. Does DHs mother destroy any correspondence or does this get passed onto you?.

DO not call them under any circumstances, just continue to detach and ignore them. Get support from your mother and if you have never undergone counselling regarding your toxic Dad and his toxic wife then this is something well worth considering. You like many adult children of such toxic people have FOG - fear, obligation, guilt.

Hi Attila, I was hoping you'd pop up. Same old, same old; clearly cancer hasn't made any difference to his outlook. MIL has been forwarding stuff to us but we've told them (again) not to manipulate her, and told her we don't want to see or know about it if anything else comes.

I was thinking if I sent a card it absolves me; I've done the right thing as a human being (obviously I don't wish any harm to him buy I don't want any more toxic crap in my life having got so far in cutting it out) and can't be reproached for being heartless.

I did have counselling a few years back which helped but basically boiled down to "I can only change me". I'm alright on the whole but this has given me a wobble. And yet another insight into the depths they're willing to sink to...

Just found out that my brother has known for well over a month. I am beyond pissed off.

Having thought some more I think there's no point sending a card. Sod doing the "decent" thing.

I could be wrong, but maybe they didnt want you to know, because they didnt want you to get in touch just because you have heard he has cancer. Is that a possibility?

I must admit that difficult as it is for you, from your family's point of view they are not 'toxic'. They won't see themselves as toxic. They will see themselves as parents whose daughter has reacted badly to the father moving on after divorce. Not being harsh, but that is the reality of how they are likely to see it.

If you have said that you won't have a relationship with them unless they meet your demands, then you can't expect them to know that you would want that to be changed because your father has cancer.

Basically, I'm saying that it can't be all your way.

Yes, I suppose so- I really have no idea how their minds work. Apparently he was worried as he said he knew someone withthis who was dead within 5 days. And even thinking that he has nothing to say to me. Its a wake up call alright.

Lougle, I can see how it sounds that way. But the divorce was 30 years ago when I was very very young so its not me really reacting badly to that. More me reacting badly to him being violent with me, then calling me a liar and letting everyone believe I've made it up. And a thousand other things. I just can't keep going back for another kick in the face. But sadly that doesn't mean that I don't care if he dies.

I think having cancer is not someone you discuss with family you are estranged from. Your father is entitled to discuss his medical diagnoses only with the people he is close to. It doesn't sound as though you currently fit into that category.
If I was estranged from one of my relatives I probably wouldn't tell them I had cancer, particularaly not in the early stages.
Also there are many different cancers with many different prognoses.
If you really want to re-establish your relationship with your father then write him a letter saying you are sorry to hear he has cancer and hope he isn't feeling too bad and that it's treatable.
If you continue to be estranged then you will continue not to get news of his illness, just as he wouldn't expect to hear if you got ill.
We are all going to die anyway, his cancer may or may not alter when he dies. I would only stop speaking to a member of my family if I thought I could cope if I heard they had suddenly died without me having tried to reconcile things.
Also reconciling things doesn't mean that the other person agrees with your version of events. That rarely happens. "Sorting things out" rarely happens in dysfunctional families either. It's more a case of accepting that in many ways he is a crap father but he's still your father.
My relatives are all sane though.

The estrangement though, doesn't stop them sending things in the post that we don't want, or texting us to relay other bits if information, it only seems to hinder them from telling me things that I might actually want to know. That's what rankles, really, its all just mind games.

And while I'd love to reconcile with my father there seems to be little point trying when every time I do make an effort I get kicked in the teeth and called allsorts.