DD2 due soon, and reluctant gp's

[PopcornPants]

Have to go into hospital as DD2 is due very soon. My parents live 4 hours away and take care of my mentally handicapped sister. DH has asked his parents (who live 30 mins away) if they can take care of DD1 while I am in hospital. They are v reluctant GP's. They immediately said no. Although they don't work anymore, they don't want the responsibility and seem to lack a lot of confidence (they are parents themselves and had 7 children!) I don't feel that they should be used as regular childcare or anything like that (I have a great childminder) but just in this situation I could really use their help. My DD1 is a normal happy healthy child and loves them to bits but its irritating that they are so unsupportive. Sometimes - (may be hormones talking here) but deep down I don't think they (IL's) feel anything for my DD1. We've never asked them before to babysit or take care of her as they have never offered, even when I've been v ill myself. As a baby, they'd hold her for 20 seconds, and as she wriggled, the panic set in on their faces and she immediately got passed back to me. Happened a lot like that so I never felt comfortable asking them to babysit ever. They pop by every now and again, say hello to her and then swan off. I've found it all v strange.

I am tempted to ask my parents to come with my sister and we can re-jig a few bits of furniture around to accommodate everyone though not ideal and they have said they would come over if we let them know soon but I feel uneasy asking them that as my sister is not in the best of health at the moment and I feel its an extra burden to them. My mum really wants to have a "word in the IL's ears" about their lack of understanding about the situation but I feel this is DH's issue to address with them as I really don't need a family world war 3 happening right now. Luckily my mum doesn't have MIL's number! My other option is for my DD1 to stay at childminder's house or perhaps a friend though said friend already has 2 DC's of her own. Either way, I will think of something however, has anyone else had a similar situation with very hands-off GP's? How do you manage in an emergency when all your support network or family is elsewhere?

I am getting so fed up with their lack of support and with being so far from my own family. Culturally aswell, my parents find my IL's perceived lack of support quite shocking and 'not the done thing in our culture'. I am very tempted to move at some point in the future.

Wow - I sound totally hormonal and homesick! Any advice?

how old is your DD1? i can understand them being a bit scared of the baby stage.. and finding it hard to bond with a baby (i do too) but if she's verbal then i'd have hoped they'd start forming a relationship with her.

could one of your parents manage with your sister alone for a day or so while the other comes to look after your DD? (although four hours is a long way you could call them when you get the first signs things are starting).

Gosh, how old is your dd1? I can understand grandparents being reluctant to offer to take care of a baby but a child under such circumstances - very odd. That said, you're right it's your DH's issue and you don't say what he's doing about it. He's surely not leaving the whole issue of childcare during labour to you to sort out?

I think you need to lean on your friends. Explain the situation and I guarantee they will be understanding, even if you think you are imposing. You're hardly doing it out of choice!

And, yes, I'd be tempted to move in the future, too.

Best of luck, I hope you can sort something out.

Unfortunately, you cannot FORCE someone to want to take care of their GCs. My ILs are really lovely GPs but they have their own lives and worries and I know two boys are hard work so DH and I have tried to just get on with it. They live just under an hour away, they do come over for emergency childcare (when DS2 was born) but we hardly ask them to do childcare for us anymore. It's a pity but that's the way it is. We've always said their loss. My parents live a 12-hour flight away so we don't get to see them much either. We have tickets to the olympics and already I am racking my head as to who we can ask to look after our boys! :)

Ask your friends. If I know someone in your situation and she's a good friend, I would happily look after your child. Good luck with the birth!

My parents are a bit like this. Although they occasionally pay lip service to being able to help out "if only we lived a bit closer" they actually can't be bothered. When DS2 was in utero we had a horrendous, worrying time with a medical condition that could have needed premature birth, SCBU etc. and FIL had a stroke so MIL wasn't really available to be on hand if something awful happened (fortunately nothing did). My mother said she would help out, but then she said no, since DS1 didn't really know her she'd have to come down for two visits in the next 3 months and that was far too much (it is a long drive but honestly, for a holiday or a cricket match they would drive hundreds of miles on consecutive days...) so retracted her offer of help.

I deal with it by thinking of them as very very distant relatives instead of my parents, occasionally feeling guilty but mostly not giving them very much thought. The sad thing is they probably do care a lot about me and maybe are even interested in their grandchildren, but since they are unable to show it (to the extent of not bothering to make a special trip when our DD died, and the aforementioned lack of help when DS2 was at risk of being born early or dying) I can't let myself be too emotionally involved with them, and I certainly rely on them for nothing at all.

I have a vast network of friends, fortunately. Ask your friends, most people would be only too happy to help out. Personally to help out in that situation I'd have any child who could cope with being babysat by me (i.e. wouldn't scream in terror of a woman she hardly knew). Many people would be only too happy.

Count them out and make other arrangements. It's all you can do.

If your husband has 6 siblings, is one of those close by to look after their niece?