Am I alone...?

[SoleSource]

I have never been in love. No man has ever been in love with me. I have either stayed with the wrong man because there wasn't a better offer or the man has stayed with me because there wasn't a better offer.

I am not very good looking, very overweight so do not attract the opposite sex these days. I have been single sonce 2008 and the last guy was a complete liar and user.

I am 38 and feel too scared to date but maybe being very obese does not help my confidence.

I feel sorry for myself today, really low.

I have (yet again) made a life plan list.

Cut down on fod portions, be more aware of what goes in

Walk 30 minutes per day initially

Join a short college course

Go back to therapist

Perservere with Overeaters Anonymous meetuings (even though the people wasn't that friendly).

Get references and look for voluntary work

How I am going to get referemces I do not know as I know nobody aside from Doctor and therapist.

FFS

Don't worry you're not alone. Most people can write down a bit list of problems, standing in their way, even if they're not the same as yours. Always looks really daunting when you do that... great big mountain to climb. Personally, I'd suggest tackling one small thing first, turning it into a good habit and then building on it rather than going all-or-nothing, everything all at once, which tends to fizzle out once your initial enthusiasm wears off and makes you feel like a failure.

I'm going for the 'walk every day' thing at the moment and trying to make that a fixed habit like brushing teeth. Then I'll add something else. Good luck

No your not alone and like Cocgito said take small steps at a time, but most of all love be kind to yourself , I am sure you are a lovley person, no matter what size you are , it is personality that counts trust me!. You deserve to be happy and enjoy yourself whether you are in a relationship or not , just try and focus on what you want from life and not what you think having a man will do for you, hugs to you.

Sick of being alone, over eating, noticing others nod to each other about me as if to say she is strange etc, sick of wanting a bright happy future and getting nowhere as people do not like me, sick of wanting to die, sick of people being jealous of some of my qualities

You can't do a lot about what others think and, IME, most people are thinking about themselves anyway... not others. If people don't like you or are jealous of you.... that's really their problem, isn't it? Few of us have a 'bright happy future'... most people work on getting the most out of the day ahead and rely on stitching a few good days together for a nice life.

If your feelings that others don't like you or that you want to die are affecting your ability to lead a normal life, have you talked to your GP? Depression can affect anyone, any time.

Thank you both for you replies :) I feel better knowing I am not alone. Cogito Ithink I do need to see GP. My therapist isists I am not depressed, she says I get low but it passes, which it does. My over eating is out of control and I have put on about 5 stones this year. I feel it is a slow suicide plan. I saw my therapist yesterday.

Sick to death of feeling like a trapped fat loser. Sick of facial hair, PCOS, PMT.
Cannot seem to meet people I gel with, or they already have family and friends.

I have been to boots and I bought St John's Wort 425mg, maximum strength.
:)

It sounds as if you've got a fair few mountains to climb. As do I, so I know how hard it is when everything seems overwhelming.

As someone said above, I'm going to try to do one thing at a time. Right now, I'm doing SW which gets me out of the house. I don't love the people but it reassures me that I can 'pretend' to be 'normal' once a week :)

Then I'll look for a job once I've gained a bit of confidence which will hopefully lead to making new friends and give me a bit of oomph.

So, you're not alone (don't get me started on bloody relationships!!)

You know OP, being "not very good looking" or "very overweight" don't make a difference to whether you "attract the opposite sex". It might mean that some people who are only interested in appearances might no longer bother, but so what? Much more important to get along with one really nice person, who likes you as you are, than to attract "the opposite sex" as a homogenous group. There are lots of people who aren't slim or conventionally attractive who have found great relationships.

If you'd like to lose weight then do it for reasons of health, and how you feel, rather than "so you can find a man". Exercise and healthy eating are good whatever your shape/size. You've bought some St John's Wort (don't forget this can make the pill ineffective though, if this applies at any time). Also you could try 5HTP, iron supplements, multivitamins and minerals (Vit B is important).

Is there another diet group you can join? Slimming World or Weightwatchers? It's a shame if the people at Overeaters Anonymous aren't very friendly, that won't be helping.

Short college course sounds great, and perhaps your tutors there would give you a reference?

Is your therapist helpful with building up your confidence?

You are doing all the right things. And the best thing about cutting down on food is that you feel different straight away. The first evening I eat properly and don't snack all night til I feel sick, I go to bed and wake up feeling hungry...it's a good feeling. St John's Wort is really good too.

Hey I've had my own pity party about never having been loved and vice versa. That's not true of course. men have loved me...the ones I couldn't care less about. And I've loved me...the ones who couldn't care less about me! I have nobody right now but I was fed up of feeling sorry for myself and have started to try and count my blessings.

Remember...fairy steps...you're attempting big changes and they'll happen slowly. I'm doing the same....eating/exercising/changing attitude/etc...and it is slow...but one little success feels so good...it's a step in the right direction and won't happen overnight. You're so much younger than me too.....lots of 30 something men out there for when you're ready. Keep positive if you can...and when you can't, cry and call a friend! Always works for me :-)

You're not alone. Your list looks brilliant. Small steps remember. You can change your life and the fact you are trying bodes well in terms of success. Keep going, thinking of you :)

Hi Solesource, sorry to hear you are struggling with the food. I am, or was a member of OA. I still follow a 12 step program but attend AA these days as I had a dual addiction. sorry to hear you didn't find the people at the meeting that friendly - maybe they will thaw ot and so will you. A food addiction is very isolating.

OA worked for me - I had a life threatening eating disorder and was so obsessed with food, eating, my weight, that for quite a long period in my 20's I could hardly function. I went to a 12 step treatment centre but then came out and attended meetings. I won't say it was easy or quick, but I have now not had sugar for 17 years and am food obsession free and a stable weight.

The 12 step programme addresses the physical, spiritual, emotional and behavioural aspects of addiction, and does refer to a god of your understanding. That's because addiction kills hope and drowns out our inner voice and i think often addicts are searchers. I am not religious but I have learnt to listen to my gut, accept guidance and deal with and accept my feelings along the way.

It sound a bit dramatic but the 12 steps saved my life and despite the faults and flaky people you sometimes find in meetings, there is a great deal of love and hope for over eaters, and it is free and I believe it can work for anyone if they really want to get better. I'm sure if you sort your relationship with food out everything else will fall into place.

Why don't you order some books about overeating from amazon? Some by Geneen Roth are good. Might be easier for you than going to the meetings, and will definitely help you to gain some insight. You need to love yourself before anyone else will love you.

"Sick of facial hair, PCOS, PMT."

A serious suggestion, have you looked at Low GI Diets? All of the above symptoms, as well as obesity and mood-swings, can be related to the overproduction of insulin in your body. This can set up 'insulin resistance' which makes it difficult to lose weight and also puts you at risk, long term, of Type II Diabetes. The condition can be tackled through medication such as Metformin but dietary & lifestyle changes are also effective.

Low GI Diets were designed to keep blood-sugars and insulin levels stable for Type II Diabetics. It's not a 'faddy' way of eating at all - you're simply swapping heavily processed food and refined sugars for more unprocessed or wholefoods. It helps with weightloss because wholefoods are generally more satisfying/filling so it's easier to eat less. It helps with many PCOS symptoms because the level of insulin in the body is kept at a very low level.

I can recommend a very slim book by Rick Gallop called 'The GI Diet' - explains it all very simply and costs 1p second-hand on Amazon.

Good Morning SoleSource,

I hope you're feeling a bit better this morning. Its tough changing coping stategies like over-eating that you have been relying on for years - particularly if you are feeling low and are more likely to fall back on those habits.

At the beginning of last year, I made a similar decision to change my life for the better.

I had a BMI of 53 - approx 12 stone over the optimum BMI range for my height. I wasn't happy with how I looked, but more importantly I wasn't happy with how I felt, the things I found difficult because I wasn't fit. I knew I was eating too much, particularly of chocolate and other 'treats'. The thing was, although I understood that these choices were making me get bigger and sadder, at the moment of eating I was so in need of that little bit of comfort that I couldn't think of the bigger picture. So it was really about my mood.

What motivated me to change was that my DH and I had been unsuccessfully trying to concieve for 5 years. I had irregular cycles and thyroid problems. I'd always planned to lose weight some day but it was realising that if I kept putting it off, I might never have children. Certainly my GP was of the opinion that losing weight could help us concieve naturally, and I reckoned that even if it didn't I'd be more likely to get help to concieve if my body was in a healthy state to carry a baby.

I started weighing myself reguarly. I cut out most snacks of chocolates and other sweets. But I think the biggest difference was that I really looked at recommended portion sizes on packets, and cut down the amount I was eating at meals. e.g. If I had beans on toast, previously I'd have has a whole tin of beans on 4-8 slices of white bread but I changed to having a third to a half of a can of beans on one or two slices of wholemeal bread. I more than halved the amount of calories I was taking in from that one meal without really changing what I was eating a lot.

In around 9 months, I lost 6 stone. It was mostly through food rather than exercise, though I did try to be a little more active as well - just small things, I still need to get better about exercise.

My weight loss is on hold at the moment. I am 37 weeks pregnant, concieved naturally. I have though managed to keep my weight gain in pregnancy low and intend to start again once baby is here and we've established breastfeeding.

Okay, I've rambled on quite a bit here but my point is, it can be done, really! I didn't join any program or go on any faddy diets. I just ate smaller portions and replaced some foods with healthier options - like having a side salad or veg on my plate, wholemeal rather than refined etc and monitored my weight. I didn't even give up chocolate completely, but when I do eat it I only have a little, though if I do binge I don't feel terrible about it (which leads to more binging) I just start eating healthily again at the next meal. Thin people rarely beat themselves up over havin a pizza or bar of chocolate, they just don't do it often.

I managed to put my long term happiness before that little comfort food used to give me, and the odd thing is, very quickly I stopped needing that comfort - without the sugar lows, I didn't really need the sugar highs so much, I started feeling good about my body.

I also realised it wasn't just about getting pregnant, it was also about wanting to be an active parent able to run around after my little ones. It was also about me being able to think about doing things that I didn't do because I was overweight - horse-riding, some sports, wearing nice clothes etc. I haven't managed everything yet as the pregnancy has changed my priorities but they are still things to look forward to.

So that's the weight loss and related mood aspects.

I totally understand that you want a relationship, I really do. But you need to be a bit more picky! :) People with low self-esteem who are desperate for any relationship at all, are in danger of ending up with someone who preys upon that need and abuses them because they know you'll believe that you aren't worth better.

I'd concentrate on doing things for you. Eating better, moving more, taking up hobbies and interests that you've always wanted to. Getting that councilling and furthering your education through classes. Volunteering or working etc. Create the life you want (and you do deserve it, just as much as someone without weight struggles), be more sociable (I struggle with that one! so do it in a way you feel comfortable with) and you'll begin to attract new friends and potential partners into your life that would suit the life you want to live.

Its not that you will be miserable until you reach your goal weight/job/relationship/etc btw - you begin to feel better as soon as you start making small changes and realise that you are taking charge of your life again instead of just reacting to the world as it happens around you.

For the record, I'm not a looker, and I have a fantastic husband who finds me attractive as well as a great friend. He's loved my body through putting on weight, losing it and having saggy skin and now pregnancy. People who aren't supermodels can find love, sexual attraction and happiness - honest!

The person(s) who take your college class should be able to give you a reference for job/volunteering work.

Hope that helps. Take care of yourself, you're so worth it. (sorry for the essay... its a bad habit of mine )

OP, I didn't need a reference to volunteer at Oxfam, I just rang them and they welcomed to offer with open arms. I recall I had to complete a form after I started, andmy boss signed it, so I'm sure your tutor or an individual you know like a teacher, nurse or police officer would vouch for you.

thank you SO much for your helpful responses :)

I feel much better today asthis time of moth I always do. I think it is a rise in oestrogen?

Also I think the St John's Wort is working already, I do feel good, better than I have for years.

I am thinking of takinh Agnus Castus for PMT aswell as the St John's Wort. I take fish oil capsule per day too.

I'm feeling positive.

I really6 was put off by the OA meeting as one woman there was in my face and violated my personal space by snatching a leaflet from me. She has issues. Their personailities are non existant. It is odd and I felt patronising!!!!

Fish oil will give you Omega 3.

You could try adding Evening Primrose Oil which will give you Omega 6.