So scared of the future and need serious help

[Scaredoftomorrow]

Namechanged
We need so much help. I'll try to keep it as short as possible.

Background: together 8 years, married 2. Early 30s.

My husband disclosed to me last night that he was raped as a child for 3 years.
We have been having problems - when times are rough he tends to lie it away. He has lied to me about employment, money, income.

He has always worked since we have been together but he lost his job 3 months ago and but never told me. I found out my calling him at work. Since then he has massively job searched but kept getting to final stages/ last few then was unsuccessful. He told me a few weeks ago that he was starting work. I found out yesterday that this was a lie.

My husband was sectioned in the past. Before he met me. Yesterday he broke down told me the truth about lots of things. Basically he creates a fantasy world when things go wrong.

We found out last week that we cannot have a baby on our own (this is obviously after a long period of trying/investigation).

We are so broke I don't know what to do.

Yesterday I called social services and emergency mental health teams. He is not a danger to me but I was/am worried that he will hurt himself. He begged me not to let him get sectioned.

I love my husband, and I know he loves me. There is no emotional/mental other abuse. Just a very, very sad, scared and worthless feeling man and a very scared and worried wife.

Please go easy on me. Please help me. What do I do? How can we make all of this trauma go away?

Sorry - I'm not overly coherent. There are so many packed in issues here.

It's just my world, our happy life has spiralled out of control and crashed and I don't know where to start to fix it. I do not want to patch things I want him to be better, learn to cope with things with life and then take things from there.

Ask questions if you need. Thats assuming anyone can help. It's like a rubic cube.

Do you believe him?

OK, well the one positive thing is that he's told you, which must have been very hard for him.

Think of this as the first step to making things better. Did he tell his Mental Health team any of this stuff when he was treated previously?

I know nothing, really, about MH issues but now that you have contacted the emergency MH team, hopefully they will put some sort of action plan in place for him to receive whatever help in terms of counselling/other treatment is appropriate.

So far as the job thing goes, it's really hard at the moment, as he's found for himself, all you can do is keep supporting and encouraging him, but at the same time, don't be too "jolly", he needs to be able to express his disappointment about that and you have to agree with him that yes, it sucks.

On the baby front, tbh, I think you both have far too much on your plate to think about TTC at the moment. I think I'd be inclined to put that on a mental back burner until your husband is feeling a lot more stable.

Poor you. So many things. I think you need to take control of the things you can control. He needs help. Professional help I would say.

Forget about the happy life. It was actually a fantasy because he told you lies.

I believe in lists. Make a list of all the problems, identify the ones you can tackle and which are your responsibility and make action plans. Also, get yourself out of the house for some fresh air and coffee/weep/wine with a friend. You need fortifying.

Good luck. Keep posting.

I don't know if he told them. I'll ask. He said he lives in constant fear. It has never left him since childhood. I'm trying to explain that life sucks sometimes and building a fantasy simply makes things worse. It has made things 10 times worse for us recently.

It's so hard to navigate the nhs mental health. And we cannot afford private care right now. It isn't the first time he has tried to get counselling/help.

Life feels like a race to the bottom right now. I'm sinking under all this - the bloody telephone advisor told me to stay calm and be strong for him yesterday! I know he was right, but FFS I'm worried and scared and don't know what to do. My husband is suicidal. I have to call the emergency team this morning for a hopefully home visit.

Re FTC - I'm infertile. It won't happen. And I highly doubt we will be having sex any time soon. I'm on an ivf waiting list. I cannot even think about all that right now. It's just another piece of shit that has been thrown at us.

Thank you. I'm not ready to go to friends/ family yet - I've cried enough on their shoulders. Plus I do not want to humiliate him further - they were so happy/relieved when they heard he got work (a lie). They have been so supportive already.

I'm scared of the future.

There are intensive home treatment teams which can help at home for mh crises. Look online to see what you have locally. He needs counselling/therapy. In meantime there are adult survivors websites and helplines which I'd strongly advise him to contact for help

poor poor you,and your poor husband.
For the things about Mental Health,I would post right away on the Mental Health board.I am about a bit on there,but I am just a hand holding sort of person.There are people on there who will be able to help you,as they have soem experience.
The rape is at the heart of your DHs problem and his behaviour.
Further on in time,you might want to go on DadsNet and see if any help and advice is available on there,though they dont get that many posters.
i would also find out about male rape from the internet.
tbh,I would accept help from whereever you can.
I think this will take a long time for him to come to terms with all of it.Good luck to you both.

You know, yesterday I called social services. They said to call the local mental health team. I called the mh team they spoke with him and told me to call the emergency team this morning. Which I have done. The fist time they told me to call at 8.30 which I've done and now I've been told to call at 9.30.

I have the utmost respect for the nhs I don't like to complain. But I've been up all night watching over him, I'm tired, I'm scared, he needs help and I'm struggling to navigate the system. I'm trying to process everything and I'm fighting not to cry. And failing. Why is the bloody mental health service so underfunded. Surely it's one place that should have an easier system? If his leg was broken it would have been sorted by now.

I'm sorry - I'm not usually so defeatist. I've just had weeks of worry and stress and it seems never ending right now. I'm just sounding off here really. He is not bad enough for a and e, I don't want to betray his trust by them sectioning him ( I don't think he is that bad at all to be honest I have experience as a witness of the lead up to a section). And each minute of the past few weeks has felt like an hour.

He is in the bedroom awake I think. I know he has heard me cry and I'm trying not to make things worse for him.

Oh thank you - I'll shoot over.

I think any decent person you confide in will not judge him for this so you shouldn't feel as though you were humiliating him. Choose carefully but your support network is as important as the one you establish for him.

I hope you get the help you need today.

Hope you are ok op. my mil has similar issues and I know exactly what you mean about mental health services being underfunded.

In my opinion, you need to just be honest with family and friends- hiding the issues won't make them go away and brings it all out into the open. Obviously this needs to be done sensitively and family need to know not to put pressure on your dh.

Knowing about sectioning, they only seem to do it as a least resort- could you encourage your dh to go voluntarily instead? It might be easier for him to cope with (it was for my mil).

Also- try and get councilling for you. I ended up having it due to the situation with my mil and it really helped me.

Best of luck x

Ok, we appear to have an action plan. There is sod all that can be done this weekend but I have spoken to an extremely helpful lady who has advised that we call our local mental health team on Monday assuming this do not get worse.

He will not go voluntarily and until things get worse I won't make him. We seem to have reached a plateau and he is calm and rational. We are talking through this.

I also feel strangely less distressed. I'll worry about family later.

My plan is to try and negiotiate working from home this week so that I can sort dr app, mental health team and job centre for benefits in the short term. Weave planned to have a clear out and put through some job applications so that he is moving forward. I'm not pushing him into work, I'm trying to ensure that he keeps busy, active and positive. Is this the right thing to do?

Sausage - would you believe that sorting counselling at work is on my to do list? My employer offers a service and i had planned to access it before yesterday's events as I am/was struggling with my fertility diagnosis, cash, employment marriage etc.

I'll call them too on Monday. Please tell me if I am doing anything wrong here. And thank you so much for your help.

You sound amazing. From panicking to purposeful in what? A number of hours. Keep going.

I just needed an action plan. Wallowing in dispair feels like a good option right now but it's not going to help my future let alone his.