Are we getting enough? Worried about relationship

[TellyBug]

My first time starting a discussion and I'm a bit nervous! :)

Just after your thoughts really, Mumsnetters. My DP and I aren't having sex at the moment and that worries me. Neither of us have high sex drives but it's getting to once every two or three weeks now. We rarely have foreplay and the last few times it has felt contrived and awkward (I think because we both know it's not happening much). We've both put on a bit of weight recently and are working long hours and getting tired so maybe that's contributing to it... We love each other but i worry he doesn't fancy me. Also worried that without this intinacy we'll stop loving each other and it'll ebentually end.

Is there a right amounts of times to be doing the deed? Should I be worried?

My DP and I don't have any DC yet- I joined Mumsnet recently as it's something we have been talking about though (hard without sex though!!)

Have you tried talking to him about it? For your relationship to thrive (especially once children are involved) communication is soooo important. Regardless of what we all think, you need to find out how he feels about the situation. We all have lulls due to work/weight etc but its how you deal with it that will make or break you. Good luck x

Hi TellyBug, there is no right or wrong amount if you're both happy with the situation... i think you need to find out how he feels.

Do you have other physical contact like snuggling on the sofa, or hugs and cuddles to comfort each other after a crappy day? I'm sure that would help to take away any awkwardness.

Sounds like you need to book some time for yourselves, forget everything else for one evening and spend some quality time together.

I like to chat about things, DoingIt but he's not much of a talker... The other night when some sex hadn't really gone anywhere I asked how he was feeling about everything and he sort of shrugged it off and said that he doesn't feel great about himself at the moment.

And no, JellyCat our general cuddling/snuggling intimacy has gone a bit awry too. Maybe I need to initiate that a bit more. We're off on hols in a few weeks so maybe that will help.

I don't think either of us are fussed about frequency but better quality sex would be good when it does happen. It would be nice if he, ahem, enjoyed himself at the end.

I wouldn't worry about the sex in particular, I think it's normal and quite healthy for things to ebb and flow and have periods of low activity as well as periods of higher activity.

I think it's quite nice to have some time without sex, sometimes we go through periods where it's almost like the only time we spend one on one is having sex and it makes me feel a little bit like... don't we have anything else to do/talk about?? So it can be nice to have a break and kind of prove that. I do like the sex as well though but it's all about balance overall.

If you're both feeling self-conscious about your weight, how about doing an activity together (running? tennis? rollerblading?). You might be able to combine feeling better about yourself with spend some fun time together.

I can understand why he didn't want to talk about the erection issues as it's a very sensitive issue for men. It is more likely to be a problem with him (eg stress related) than as simple as 'he doesn't fancy you any more'.

Maybe try and have a talk about it when you've got an hour or so without anything else happening.

If you try to talk to him afterwards its a bit like a criticism of that particular event - "well that didn't really got to plan did it?"

But if you bring it up another time it could be more like "I really enjoy sex with you but we both seem to have gone off the boil a bit recently, what do you think we should do to try and improve our relationship?" and have some suggestions handy.

Could it be the thought of trying to 'make a baby' that's causing him stress? If he's always been really careful about not allowing himself to ...ahem...enjoy himself at the end, it could be a difficult habit to break without causing him stress.

Thanks guys. All helpful