constantly angry at him - how do I stop it?

[LumpySpacePrincess]

I've posted about this before a few years ago and got pelters for it, but in some ways it helped me 'just get on with it' but here I am again at the same cross roads....

I have been with my DP for over 15 years and we have a DS. Our biggest problem (or mine) is that DP smokes weed ALOT. He has done this since I met him (at uni - everyone did it then including me) but I never ever thought he would still be doing it now in his thirties and as a father etc. I have no real problems with occasional social use, but what I really struggle with is daily use (not whilst he's working) but on days off he would have a smoke as soon as he gets up and it continues all day. I've told him I don't like it, and he has promised to stop and has almost even managed it on a few occasions (like after DS was born) but it always creeps back in. I realise he is an addict, and he shows classic addict behaviour like lying about how much weed he has and where he got it from but he mostly refuses to acknowledge he has a problem. I have basically been told 'this is me, you knew what you were getting into so deal with it' and I have dealt with it but I find myself getting increasingly angry about it and the effects it has on our life. It makes him lazy, uncommunicative, unable to take responsibility, zero sex drive.... not to mention the health aspect ( he's smoking joints with tabacco and no filters!!) and the fact that it's illegal.

Anyway, without rambling on much more, I've had a few major fights with him over this recently and he has agreed it's time to stop and he's made promises about when it will happen and of course it hasn't. So the end result is that I am unhappy and angry at him al the time. I try to hide it and I try to make an effort for our DS' sake but I'm just so fucking mad at him I'm barely keeping it together. What the hell can I do? I do love him and he says he loves me, but how can we sort this out? I can't keep going like this....

How old is your DS? A big kick might be when he realises DS knows what he is doing.
You can't nag him out of it, sadly, he has to make the choice to stop. Have you somewhere else you can stay to give him a break and a chance to see what might happen if you move out? Would obviously have to be longer than a week or two though else he would just think 'party!'

The bottom line is... you've got to decide on what's your bottom line.

If he won't stop and you can't continue living with him, then what?

You can't force him to change, but you can decide if you still want to be around it. Personally I'd have to question whether he is a good father. Drugs and children don't mix imho.

Is your question "how do I stop being angry?" or "how do I stop his weed smoking?"

If it's "how do I stop his weed smoking?": you can't stop his weed smoking: only he can. There is no magical combination of words or actions that you have yet to hit upon that will make another human being alter their behaviour. The choice to smoke up or not is within his power only.

If it's "how do I stop being angry?": figure out what you want, what you will tolerate and what you won't tolerate, and live by that. Then you won't have to be angry at him. Your happiness is not in his hands: it is in your own.

It all boils down to: put up with it, or bail. He's not changing.

When he says "'this is me, you knew what you were getting into so deal with it'" then you need to point out that while it may have been an acceptable lifestyle choice at Uni, for a long-term partner and father it is not.

He's told you he isn't going to stop it, he's tried and failed.

You won't change him and to be honest, if he doesn't want to change for you why would you want him? Sorry but he sounds like an immature loser. I had a couple of very disappointing encounters with blokes who smoked a lot at Uni, so after so many years god knows whether your bloke would even be able to get back to proper health/sex drive/communication - he's basically been sleep walking through half his life as its easier than growing up and actually living it.

Cut him loose, let him smoke himself senseless and give your DS a better role model than this, please. You both deserve better. x

he's 6. So he knows that daddys goes outside to smoke, but thinks it's just fags. This is actually mortifying for DP - he dotes on DS and doesn't want him to see him smoking anything - he never smokes infront of him even when we are out and he's having a fag he will hide it from DS. DP admits it has to stop before DS gets older when he's being rational, but yet it continues. We've been having this discussion for years now. I must sound ridiculous.

and I'm not sure if going away would help. He would indeed just party even more and has done in the past. But maybe if it was a longer time it would work - difficult with work etc though.... will consider this Hippo

I feel like this about dh with alcohol. He lies about it too, hides it, says 'this is just me - deal with it' etc. Much sympathy. I am gathering up money and building up my business so I am in a position to reassess the situation and if necessary - leave. You don't need to put up with this.

Yeah, I think I've got to that point where I'm trying to figure out if I can do this. I have tried and tried to ignore and deal with it but I'm getting so angry that it's making everything horrible. and that can;t be good for my son can it? But it's making me feel so sad that I might have to walk - how would I even begin to do that? We've basically grown up together, my whole life is entangled in his... oh god, I don't know...

and thanks for replies that make sense this time. when I posted about this before I got real abuse for having unreal expectations on what relationships are like. xx

If DS is already 6 then he won't stop it as he gets older, I thought you were going to say he was 2 or 3.

If he wants to wait until DS can distinguish between a fag & a joint then it will be another 8 or 10 years before he sees any need to stop, otherwise he would already have done so.

I guess you are right. We've just stuck in the loop of fighting about this since DS was a baby. I just had to tuck up DS back in bed there and I am crying thinking of how I could pull him out of his lovely wee life, his room, away from his dad. Just because I can't deal with something. It feels like I'm the bad one, not DP, which I know is stupid. I have to figure out which is worse. going or staying. The thing is they both seem awful.

Just because I can't deal with something.

you are not the problem here.
And it's perfectly ok to have limits, and to stick to them.

Its not because "you can't deal with him smoking weed" its because "He can't deal with not smoking weed" there's a big difference. Remember that.

His smoking weed is not your problem, it is his. He is an addict. And as such the only person that can get him to stop is himself. What you need to do is to decide where your boundaries are and stick to them. If you want support, find a group like Al Anon, or look at Nar Anon literature.

Bottom line is weed is a drug, and your partner is an addict. If his smoking affects your relationship, he has a problem. If you rewrote your post and inserted vodka for weed, you would read alcoholic.

Lumpy (((hugs))))

I could have written your post (23:59) word for word. In my case my X's drug of choice was alcohol, and I stayed after my first child was born for 5 years. I did not know how to put down and stick to boundaries, and couldn't even read my own needs, so we had the same fight over and over and over again. It was the only way I was able to communicate that I was desperately unhappy. I felt like the bad one, the person that was unhappy in my children's little life wanting to pull them away from their dad. In short I totally lost myself. I made a big mistake not listening to what I was telling myself, and ended up in a really bad state.

The advice I would give younger myself: it is ok to listen to your needs, wants and feelings. If you can't access them, it is ok to get help and see a therapist. It is ok to not accept blindly someone else's behaviour in a relationship. It is ok to have made a mistake marrying someone who actually is not right for you and makes you unhappy. Staying in a bad relationship is actually not good for the children, they get stressed. You can be enough for your child, bringing them up in a happy, stable, single parent home. An alcoholic/addict is not a suitable parent. Their primary relationship is their drink/drug and this impacts on their family in a destructive and harmful way.

It is ok to set down boundaries and limits, and go through with the consequences, in fact that is normal in a relationship. That is what defines and separates you from your partner. You can survive without him, emotionally, financially, physically. I am now on benefits - for now - I am rebuilding my life. I have a stronger relationship with family and friends and they have been amazingly supportive. My children are so much calmer and happier. I am excited by my future, even though I have no idea what will happen. I put water in the car's cooling system yesterday, I cleared out the attic, I dismantled the broken bed on my own, I have found a new place to live in a different city - I am not only doing ok, I am doing great! I am happy. Genuinely happy.

daffy you sound like you've had a hard time and it makes me smile to hear your story ending well. I'm trying to see myself in your shoes and being where you are now... can I do it? Do I even want to? I'm looking at my DP and still feeling alot of love for him, but also a lot of resentment and disappointment. Once DS is in bed tonight I'm going to try and have a calm discussion with him and see if I can get him to see how serious I am this time. I'm still clinging onto the idea that he will still change. I know this sounds so weak but I feel we deserve a chance. It's not going to magically turn into the perfect relationship even if he does stop, but I know I'll be much much happier than I am now. I would hope he would be too, but maybe he would wake up out of his stupor and realise he's not happy with me. But at least he would be feeling something properly.

I've been thinking about if the situation was alcohol, I wouldn't even hesitate to go. He needs to think about that too....

It's going to be a long day waiting for this talk to happen tonight.

thanks everyone for your thoughts - it really does help. xxx

Your DPs weed is affecting his life. I am a daily smoker of weed but have a 9 o'clock rule, never before 9 o'clock (pm). For me it is not a social drug but something that helps me relax, unwind and sleep.

Years ago I smoked all the day but realised that this was not helping me.

Maybe you could reach a compromise? Complete stopping is hard but once the children are in bed and the chores are done it would hopefully not impact your relationship so much. My DH hates me smoking but has accepted the compromise.

Well he's not going to stop, because he doesn't want to. So you need to stop trying to make him do so, because that's a waste of your time and energy. The decision you have to make is: can you put up with it under certain conditions eg that he only smokes outside the house? Or have you had enough?
If so then you need to make plans to leave. Do the research; who owns the house, what's the financial situation like? Do you think this stoner would agree to leave or will you have to either take DS and go or use the law to force the man out? Once you have all the relevant information, then you can tell the man what is happening (eg that he must leave, or that you are going to, and what arrangements you will make for him to see DS).

You can do it.

Now the question you have to ask yourself, can you see yourself in the same position in your relationship in 6 months, a year, 10 years? He is smoking so as not to feel emotions, so he is really not going to want to stop and start doing that is he. You don't tend to become any sort of addict without having ishoos you don't want to sort out. Much easier to self-medicate and just not feel.

Will he change? Probably not easily. People often don't. And getting off the weed, will not necessarily make you happier. My X stopped/cut down on the drink for a few months before he left, and the behaviour was just as intolerable.

During all the time we were together, I thought I felt lots of love for him too, that he deserved lots of chances. That I now realise was a combination of my denial and my wanting the relationship and him to be something that it just was never going to be. I was in love with the fairytale. What I neglected was any consideration of what I actually wanted.

But, I really do hope your chat with him went well, and that you got your points across to him.

He is an addict.

He is not going to stop.

He has told you to like it or lump it.

You cannot change him. You cannot cure him. All you can do is decide whether you want to spend the rest of your life like this. If you do, carry on as you are, nothing will change.

If not, leave him.

Those are the only choices you have. Stay or go. That's it.