I'm ok, I'm ok, But now I'm looking at my son and crying.

[2wwmadness]

So some of you will remember my threads. Can someone link of poss? I don't know how to.
So to update. My husband didn't want me, the man I loved and I wanted to help and was happy with doesn't want me. I'm left with our 8 week old son. I've taken care of him on my own since 2 weeks old. I go to my old flat one morning a week and h spends time with his son. My stuff is moved out, everyone told and I'm seeing a solicitor.
I'm fine, good actually, think I don't need man who would treat me like this and I'm gunna be happy again and I honestly am ok most of the time.
But then i get this wave of "this is real" panic,
I'm not gunna have him in my life, he's been in my life so long and it shouldn't be like this, we had planned to be a family. I'm scared of how hard my life wil get as a
Single mum. I'm in shock I think. Can you get councelling for this? I'm so scared of loosing the plot. Im worried my son knows what's going on or I'm not giving him the best as so much has been going on. I guess I just need someone to hold my hand, I don't know where this has come from. I'm fine normally I honestly am

Holding your hand sweetheart... I am so sorry.

Have nothing to say but the obvious... You are well rid if he could do that to you and your baby. You are better of without him.

Life will go on and possibilities that you wouldn't ever have imagined will unfold.

Keep posting.

2ww will hold your hand...

You will be ok.

I think the wave of panic is due to the reality of having a small baby and being on your own - that's normal - I have been where you are now. You might not see things very clearly as hormones are up & down.

Don't be scared, stay on here. There are some amazing women here who are far better than me with their words of wisdom.

Be kind to yourself, you are not on your own, keep posting

x

This happened to my friend, 2 weeks after her son was born too. You will be fine, and until you are you don't have to fake it on here, this is where you can come when things get too much in RL. Your son will have no idea of what is going on, as long as he has you to hold him and love him he'll be absolutely fine. Hang on in there, it will get easier and those panicky episodes will be fewer and fewer. X

You can get relationship counselling, even after you have broken up, single persons can go its not just for couples. It is hard accepting you are going to be a single mum, I know, i didnt envision my life as it is, but believe me, after leaving my ex, 8 months on i am so so glad i stuck it out, the panic goes, sometimes it is lonely, but when that happens pick up the phone or get on here and talk, about anything, it doesnt matter, come on here, look at the threads and post, i do, when i am lonely, just about anything and in 6 months time you will be giving advice, i know i have, regards of housing etc, My son was 18months when i left and stayed with mum for 5 months. It was hard, cramped, my sister was a complete cow but it was worth it. Life doesnt always work out how we plan it. I never envisioned, life as i know it. But everything happens for a reason, and time will heal it. I promise you this. you are probably also exhausted physically and emotionally.

Your son is far too young to remember all this when he gets older, my son doesnt remember my Post natal depression, i am sure and he was 10months when i was diagnosed, so your baby wont remember, i am sure they pick up on it at the time, but it doesnt do damage, so dont worry about that. YOU ARE AN AMAZING MUM AND CAN DO THIS ALONE!!!! I PROMISE. I didnt think i would, but i am and i struggle occasionally but its worth it.

Take my hand. xx

Firstly, a big hug, for all that you've been through - and to say how well you have done to keep going.

Have you seen your GP recently? They would be able to refer you for counselling, assess your mood & perhaps prescribe medication if indicated.

Assuming you've been screened for PND too? Maybe your health visitor could help you too. Don't be afraid to ask for help xx

Another one here to hold you hand. Seems daunting doesn't it but really OP things have a habit of falling into place a bit at a time. Kicked DS's dad out when I was 4 months pregnant. Let him back when I was about to drop then kicked him out again when he was nearly a year. DS is is now 14 and
stealth boast and I don't care he's absolutely fantastic.

You will cope my darling, you really will.

Oh hun, I'm holding your hand too. Your DS will know he is loved and will never have to go through the pain of being hurt by his Dad as you've been hurt. I would def reccommend counselling. Anyone can access this throught their GP I think. Whats your health visitor like? Mine was a really fantastic support when I struggled after having DS1. Keep snuggling with him and enjoying him. Things will get better.

Aw sweetie, it always hurts most in the evenings. Big hug and a hand hold.

First of all don't worry about your baby, you are both better off not having to endure this man in your lives every day. You loved him and supported him but he let you down at the worst possible time. Your life will be so much easier on your own that it would have been continuing in a relationship with a man who wasn't there for you emotionally, I can promise you.

I have 3 DCs aged from 5 to 12 and even within a few weeks they are absolutely fine with the new situation. Your tiny baby won't know any different, all he will know is that you love him and are there for him whenever he needs you, that you are human, with appropriate emotions (you're allowed to be sad and grieve for your marriage) and that his dad wants to spend some time with him too (although at 8 weeks he probably isn't getting much out of this at the moment, if it helps him to build a relationship in the future that will help you all.)

Plenty of mums do a fabulous job on their own, just make sure you have plenty of RL support (join groups and activities to meet other mums, keep in contact with old friends and accept any help on offer), get yourself sorted financially, and most importantly come on here and let off steam to a great bunch of understanding women who want the best for you. xxxx

Thank you. I went to bed, figured it felt worse because I was tired. I'm up feeding the baby.
I'm ok. I just have these huge waves of panic now and again. I'm not depressed I don't think, I've told all the professionals what's going on. I'm more guilty.
Sorry ill post more in a bit, this is hard to do one handed.

Ah, I used to love night feeding - just me & baby against the world! Enjoy this special time with him. Hope you got some sleep too ;-)

I feel the panic sometimes too, I'm only a few weeks into it (he moved out about 3 weeks ago) and I feel waves of sickness and panic, less now, but its still there.

Last night I had a message from him agreeing to my request to sort out a divorce sooner rather than later, as I feel that its holding me back. I feel that I'm not worth much, that an abusive arsehole like him can't wait to be rid of me, so it set me off a bit last night, even though it was my suggestion and he was just agreeing with it.

Whenever 'reality' hits you, it is bound to make you stop and suddenly reassess whats happened, but gradually it will feel better and more normal. Just make sure to have good friends around you - a bunch of supportive loving ladies are worth so much more than a bloke who hasn't got the balls to be a loving husband and dad.

Try to remember that actually he is the one who is missing out on the most here - he had a wonderful supportive loving wife and a newborn baby - the most important things in the world to a lot of people. He now has himself, some space and an afternoon a week with his son. Would you want that?

Of course you will be alright and so will your son. If you stayed with that idiot on the other hand then no you probably wouldn't be.So be happy you are on the right path!!!

This happened to me. Ex left me when dd was 2 weeks old. I moved out of our home with the baby and in with my parents. And for a good 6 months I didn't recognise myself - I lost a disgusting amount of weight and completely felt unable to cope. Fast forward 18months where I met my now dp, bought my own place. Dd is now 25 months and sees her dad once a week, we don't talk other than text but she and I are both fine. You'll be fine too

" I'm scared of how hard my life wil get as a Single mum."

A lot of times in life the fear is far worse than the reality. Counselling with professionals can help the mental aspect but the practical aspect.... jobs, money, accommodation, childcare, a social life .... is where you'll get real peace of mind if you roll up your sleeves and get yourself as well-informed as possible. 'Knowledge is power' is a very true statement and fighting for something is much healthier than curling up and hoping it all goes away. In the early days with a new baby you probably won't feel like fighting very much - dont worry about that - but having a goal to focus on can be what keeps you going. Good luck

Hello everyone. I'm back in fighting mode. Those waves hit me when I'm least expecting them. It feelings of guilt, like maybe I should of stayed and done more to keep our family unit together. But I know I did all I could. I know I'm doing the right thing.
I've been to citizans advice. I need a solicitor but I'm guessing that's gunna be expensive. Ive found one with a free consultation thing. My husband is keen for me to sign a separation agreement but he doesn't understand how hard it is to go to places like the solicitor with a baby. I'll go when I'm ready. And I'll sign it when I'm sure I'm getting what's best fr my son. It looks ok, he's agreed to all my terms. I just wanna make sure. Then ill divorce him. I'm in control of this. I guess that's why I feel guilty. But I remember how much he hurt me and how many chances I gave him. It helps to tell friends about it. Because I think it's normal and they are horiffied by his behaviour at times and it helps me know I'm doing right.
I've joined slimming world and go on the cross trainer and I'm getting the baby weight of really well. I'm going to have a party in my home town so that's good.
I'm living with my family. Buy it's miles away from my friends and I don't know anyone here. I'll move back there in janurary but husband has asked I don't go untill then so he can build a bond with the baby. I sit with him and our son showing him what to do and why the baby likes once a week so eventually he can have him on his own.
I go to the mother and baby groups and they get me out the house. It's hard though coz I don't really have much in common with the women. Apart from our babies. But they are nice enough.
I just don't understand how he could choose not to be around his son. I would do anything to try and fix the relationship if it meant loosing my son. He just gave up. I have no respect for him and I'm angry he has rights to this little boy at all.

"I just don't understand how he could choose not to be around his son"

Because some people don't care much about anyone other than themselves.

Don't delay your plans just because he's decided he wants to play Daddies a bit late in the day. That's a way to keep you dancing to his tune, under his control, exploiting that guilt you're feeling. If he really wants to bond with your son, he would make the effort even if you were at the other end of the country. Your son benefits most when you are happy, safe and secure. He won't really understand who Dad is until he's much older anyway.

He's had it written into the separation agreement (that I havnt signed) that I can't go till janurary as he's skint and won't be able to have his son overnight so he won't get to see him. I left properly 3 weeks ago and so far he's seen him 2-3 hours a week, I need another convo with him and try and move sooner. I'm so bored

But you have not signed the separation agreement. He can write all he likes, but you have not signed it - it does not stand! Go home - enjoy your family, friends and baby. He messed up , he ruined it all , its up to him to try and get up there - your not refusing him access at all , but you are the mother in the middle of this and you need support. If he is only seeing the baby 2-3 hours a week, then it doesn't matter where the baby is, he will still get the same bond whether its 2-3 here or there. Get yourself legal advice asap and do not sign the agreement yet - cogito is right, its all about control - put yourself first, and in the nicest possible way, head home :)

Absolutely, it's not signed so you are not obliged to do anything. It's not your problem that he is skint. I don't know the full back-story here but I feel very strongly that, if he 'didn't want you' and rejected you, then you take a leaf out of his book i.e act first and worry about him later.

These first steps are how life is as a single parent. You are 'it' when it comes to all the decisons about your life now whether that's parenting, location, career, money or whatever. You are priority #1. There's no-one except your DS that you have to consider. "The buck stops here". It's a big responsibility admittedly but, when you embrace it, it's also marvellous for your confidence. I've been a lone parent since birth and everything DS does fills me with huge pride and satisfaction because (and I know this sounds big-headed) I don't have to share the credit with anyone else.

Make the move.

I know I'm so proud of my son. I did that. Husband told me when I was ph that he didn't want this life. Told me (after 8 years) he was living a lie and loved me but wasn't in love with me, I stayed as I thought it was jitters but he made his mind up he didn't want me so I left. The guilt I feel for "taking his son" is awful. But I can't stay in a loveless relationship for him.
I just don't want my son to turn back in my face in years to come And him hate me for moving. Do you think he would? The only reason I'm here is for those 2 hours a week. Hopefully he can build up on thy and be able to have him more. I know it's daft. I'm trying to do right by my son

Your son will never blame you for your decision if you are open with him along the way. My DS's Dad has never lived with us & never had DS overnight although we all get along very well and see each other from time to time. DS has rarely missed having him around, does not regard our family set-up as unusual, does not hate me (he's 12 and I've checked this periodically) and is very well-adjusted.

You presumably are still harbouring the 'Happy Family' fantasy if you're hoping your ex builds up his contact with your DS? Try not to do that. I think children resent us more if we create false expectations that we can't meet (or that deadbeat Dads can't meet) than if we are honest and keep their expectations realistic.

Of course he won't hate you! If anything, he will love the fact he gets to be brought up around a family who loves him, a mother who is happy and content, and a father which made the effort to come and see him - not a mother who spent her time miserable and alone , away from her friends and family and that the father forced her to stay behind, in an area she hated just so he could see him for 2 hours a week. He has already stated how unhappy he was that you were pregnant - why would he suddenly change for this whole happy family idea? But you can give your son that - by going home to your family, his grandparents, aunts and uncles... And the father will come up and visit, he will probably even spend more time and make more of an effort to se his son because he will need to. But he will never , ever hate you for it.

And if you do decide to go, which by the sounds of it, will be the best decision you ever made : do not sign the agreement, and do not tell him its optional. Tell him he can visit when he likes, but you need family support, assistance and a loving environment for him to be around. But it will be worth it :)