Husband, finances and the house

[NiniLegsInTheAir]

This will be long and complicated so I apologise for that. This is a subject that's really bugging me and having a negative effect on my marriage. My NSDH is EA, I know that much, he has been PA in the past and I think he might be FA aswell.

We bought our house 3 1/2 years ago, on a 5 year fixed rate mortgage. It was a bit of a tip (liveable, but lots of things need doing to it), and we were both in agreement that we'd do it up in those 5 years, then sell it on.

As far as finances go (I've posted on this before), he earns slightly more than I do, we contribute equally to bills. I also contribute towards his travel as its very expensive (he works some distance away, no alternative route of travel). In the run up to our wedding I ended up with almost £2k on my credit card - I paid for most of the wedding stuff, he was totally disinterested so aside from the main purchases (venue etc), I bought everything. His attitude was 'if you want it, you buy it'. If only I'd had MN at the time. .

It took me quite a while to pay off that credit card (we've been married 3 years). I then fell pregnant (DD is 18 months) and the majority of baby stuff was bought by me. When I went on maternity leave I was buying at least 90% of baby food, nappies, wipes etc, and only on maternity stat pay while also still paying half the bills. I ended up in the top limit of my overdraft (still paying it off now). I now keep a very detailed spreadsheet of all my outgoings and my overdraft is coming down slowly.

Still with me? While this was all going on, NSDH was squirreling away his money into savings. I discovered recently by looking at his paperwork (we have separate bank accounts at my wish), that he has about £4k of savings. He also gets an annual bonus, some of which goes into the house, some into savings, some on things for himself. I don't get bonuses or overtime so can't earn more money (although I would love to). His attitude is that he works for his bonus so it's his to spend as he wishes.

But house improvements have ground to a halt. We started having the bathroom done last October when his bonus came in and its still not finished. I had to arrange everything with plumber, tiler etc as he just doesn't bother. I got annoyed not long ago as the shower hadn't gone in so arranged it to be fitted (although NSDH paid for most of it). The lights in the bathroom don't work due to poor fittings but he can't be bothered to ring the electrician - unless I ring him it won't be fixed. I keep walking round the house seeing so much that needs to be done and it really gets me down. . We have no storage (our lack of wardrobe space is what caused our argument that resulted in his hitting me 2 months ago, posted here at the time. Still no wardrobe). The kitchen needs ripping out. The garden is a tip. Very manky carpets in some places.

It's not that I don't contribute to the house. I always buy the small things (we needed a bread bin, I bought it. I buy all DD's clothes and toys, and still most of her nappies/wipes etc). I just can't contribute as much I'd like to big things as I don't have the cash. I have suggested to NSDH that we take out a small bank loan to get these improvements done, he refused. If ever I mention getting something in the house done, he just says 'you pay for it then' when he knows I can't do it alone. When we do get improvements done its because he decides it's time - and he decides what we get done. He also refuses to do any kind of DIY, so I do some things, and we have to get professionals in to do the rest. When we argue about anything he always tells me I 'only want him for his money'.

I'm really frustrated. I hate living here (our neighbours are a nightmare on both sides), I hate being in this dump of a house. And now NSDH is talking about things we'll be doing here in 2 years time when I have no intention of being here any longer than our fixed term is left - 18 months. Our relationship is at breaking point anyway and part of my reason for not being able to leave is the massive penalty we'd get if we sold our house before the 5 years is up (terms of the mortgage).

Not sure what I'm asking for. Apologies for the essay. Someone please talk to me, and be frank. I feel trapped, and a total bitch for feeling like I'm 'using' his money to get the house done. Do I need a hug, a boot up the arse or something in between?

I have raised the issue of paying for his travel several times. He just gets angry, and says unless I pay towards it he can't keep doing the job. And to be fair to him he has been trying to get a job closer to home (has had several interviews but no luck). I can't tell him just to give up the job when he has nothing else to go to and it's what he really loves doing. If the roles were reversed I'd be devastated.

But if he's saved £4000 then he can afford to keep doing it if you're not paying towards his travel.

He might not be able to keep squirrelling the pennies away though - that's what his concern is.

HE HIT YOU,HE HIT YOU,HE HIT YOU,HE HIT YOU!!!!!!!

Sorry for the shouting but you really need to focus on that and not things that in the long run really dont matter-who cares if you dont have enough wardrobe space or a working shower-HE HIT YOU!!!!!!

You will not be financially worse off without him-he is taking you for a mug making you pay for his travel!!

You will be entitled to benefits,possibly with costs of housing and he will have to pay maintenence.

He is "trying to be a better father"-no he isnt. HE HIT YOU!!!! good fathers do not hit the mother of their child.

You're excusing and justifying his behaviour nini. It's what we learn to do in these situations but you have to realise there is NO excuse for what he's doing. He is being selfish. As was mentioned before, if he can afford to save he can afford his own travel costs. End of.

I just don't think you've reached the end of your rope yet and you're not ready to leave. Having said that it is not going to do you any harm to start finding out about the mortgage penalty and any other financial/practical issues because believe me, once you do get to the point where you know you can't take another minute of him, you are going to want to get out as quickly as humanly possible.

That's right Fliss. But I can't exactly confront him about his savings, he'll just get mad with me for going through his documents.

I feel backed into a corner.

I know that too Goranis, from the outside looking in I'd be saying the same, and I wouldn't wish this on my DD. I'm being ridiculous.

And you're right too Stillgetting, I read the excuses I'm typing and it doesn't even feel like me! I think part of me is hoping I can hold on until this financial penalty has past, then leap out. But I also think I may not be strong enough to do it and I'm just looking for reasons to keep pushing that time back. I don't even make sense to myself now

"A slight confession on the mortgage penalty - I don't actually know how much it would be exactly. He has all the paperwork and I need to go through it with fine toothcomb"

Contact your mortgage provider. You don't need your paperwork, just your name and address of the mortgaged property will be enough. Ask for a redemption statement which is the outstanding balance and also ask what the penalties are for early redemption.

My 5 year fixed rate has a reducing penalty i.e. the earlier I pay off, the more I have to pay. If they can tell you what product your mortgage is, you can probably see the terms and conditions on your lender's website.

Other than that practical advice, I would suggest that you are in a strong position because you have at least retained your own finances and he is not in control of your wages etc. Could be worth spending half an hour with a solictior to get some information on what you're entitled to. I would not be confident that this man's behaviour will change or improve.

"I can't tell him just to give up the job when he has nothing else to go to and it's what he really loves doing."

The only reason you 'can't' is because you are a nice person that considers the other person's feelings. This is not reciprocated. He doesn't care about your feelings, your wellbeing or your safety. You owe him nothing at all.. In reality, you could withdraw your support on the transport costs any time you liked. In practice, you should probably wait until you have separated so that you don't put yourself in more danger.

I think NSDH should stand for Nasty Shit, Dreadful Husband.

Op do you want your dd growing up thinking this is how relationships should be?

I was in exactly the same position as you. Knew it couldn't go on forever but didnt know how or when it would end. In the end, after all the hideous things he done and said to me, it was the most trivial thing that tipped me over the edge. I put the girls in the car, drove to my parents and told them I was leaving him. By telling them it made it real and I knew I couldn't back out. Do you have anyone in RL that can support you? I also found my local womens aid invaluable. Please do ring yours and talk to them if nothing else. They are a god send in these situations. Hugs :)

I remember being shocked when i read your last thread at the financial abuse. Im still shocked.

Please leave him

You sound so unhappy :(

On the mortgage front, ring your provider and ask what the penalty is. I am hopeless with paperwork and have to ring to ask these kind of questions.

Also, I have just taken out a new 5 year mortgage and it would cost about a grand if I repay it early. That will diminish over the term so it could be half that.

I know this is a bit of a cliche, but you don't want your DD using your relationship as a yardstick by which to judge relationships by. She - and you - deserve so much better.

Would you feel comfortable ringing Women's Aid?

Still, I think that's normal for many people. What makes people leave is usually something completely trivial. It just happens to be the straw that broke the camel's back. I knew a woman who put up with all sorts of abuse and infidelity who finally left her H when he came home pissed and threw up over her new shoes.

Nini this is your life and no one can make you do anything. It's normal to want to put this off. It's a monumental life change and very, very scary. It's scary for someone who doesn't have a controlling potentially abusive husband. It's even more scary for you. Being scared doesn't make you weak or unable to do it. It makes you human.

But the longer you remain, the lower your reserves of strength will get. That's worth remembering.

Have you ever done anything you really didin't want to do, which you found very hard, but did anyway because you knew you had to? TBH, with your H I suspect you have on more than one occasion. It may help to view leaving this marriage in the same way. A necessary chore, rather than a choice.

You can do this you know. However, hard leaving may be, it will be easier than living with this man because you will be able to breathe, be yourself, have control over your own destiny and not walk on eggshells. It's staying that's hardest.

Nini, please listen to the other posters on here. They are giving you amazing advice : it must be such a hard position your in , but imaging staying with him just for your DD - eventually he will start controlling her as well, what she can buy, her own finance when she's older , and eventually she will begin to fear him just as you do. Im sure he is acting nice now, however the reality is it will go back to normal and eventually sadly be even worse. Money is a very small price to pay to having a life where you are away from the control , it may seem scary but you CAN do it . When he goes to work , would it be possible to photocopy some of these financial documents ??? Have you got any friends nearby who may be able to store them safely for you?

I think you are so bound up in money issues you are nit seeing the wider picture.
Do you want to leave? If the answer is yes start looking for rentals you can afford on your own (after all you don't like where you live so no reason to stay is there?) - would anyone loan you deposit money if necessary? If not then it would be a price worth paying to extend your overdraft in my view.

I sort of have some sympathy with him in that things bother you so you buy them (like the bread bin & extras for the wedding) He is paying towards the essentials.

Since he has the savings then you take the car in my view - he can use his savings to purchase another.

Anyway, just my two pennorth but I agree with the others that it doesn't seem like a match made in heaven on any level!!!

Redhelen. She pays for the essentials too including his travel and nearly everything for their child!

I think it would be useful for posters on this thread to read the ops previous threads.

She has had lots of good advice but continues to procrastinate...

I consider things for a baby such as nappies wipes etc as essential but the op pays for nearly all of them. What a twat!

Goranis. It's normal for people in abusive relationships to procrastinate. When you've had your self worth undermined for so long, and got used to thinking that the other person's behaviour is reasonable, it takes a considerable reversal of thinking to be able to think "this is wrong and I can leave". The OP has only just started that process and needs a lot more validation before she can reach the point where she believes the words she's reading. She'll get there. Contrary to popular belief, most women do leave eventually. It just takes them a lot longer than most people have patience for.

Dahlen is right. OP needs to keep hearing/reading these things until her reality sinks in. Doesn't matter how long it takes, she will get there eventually. And nini it IS ok on the other side - you CAN do this.

Here's the thing...in a divorce settlement:

That 4k. It's half yours. Get a copy of all his bank statements before you leave.

That debt your in. He owes half of it. Keep all your statements so you can prove it is costs accrued as a couple.

The early payment on my mortgage (has 18 months to go) is now at 2,200. You know who will have to pay half of that? Him!

He'll also have maintenance to pay etc. Nini, if it's a question of money by my reckoning you are going to be better off. Get the paperwork and get out of there.

Tomorrow will be a sunshiny day :)

I really shouldn't start topics, it just means people end up repeating themselves and getting frustrated with me. I am listening, promise.

I just get really down walking round the house and seeing all the things wrong with it. It's like the physical form of my marriage.

I understand that its not easy to walk away from a bad marriage-that is not what I find frustrating about your numerous threads.

You keep banging on about your house and money and avoiding the bigger problem of the fact that HE HITS YOU!!!!

Honestly do you really think that if you stay in your marriage that your dd will thank you for it because at least you didnt lose a house-really?

I am sorry you are still in this situation. I remember your last thread, and really felt for you.

You say your house is a dump. It does not sound like much value has been added to it in the years you have owned it. You are worried about the penalty if you sell early.

I suggest, that unknown to your husband, when he next is on his travels, you get an estate agent in to have it valued. Due to the recession and the dip in the housing market, it may not be worth more than when you bought it, so you may be in negative equity.

Therefore, I would not let any though of financial penalty stand in your way.

So, if I were you, I would get legal advice, and prepare to serve your dh divorce papers, tell him you dont want anything with the house (he does not need to know you have had it valued). Just move out, forget the mortgage, let him deal with this. Rent, and be happy you dont have to fork out for his travels!

There IS a way out, you just need to speak to a family lawyer about the ins and outs.

You have already established that your marriage is abusive on all fronts, so dont think of him, look after yourself and your interests.

I know Goranis. .

Quint that is a good idea about the estate agent. I need to make plans for both that and a solicitor.