Cutting contact from ExH parents to protect my children

[craptastic]

Im not sure if this is the right place to post but it seemed appropriate. Im a first time poster (long time lurker) just looking for some advice. I just want to give you a bit of background information first to put you in the picture.

Found out beginning of this year that ExH father sexually assaulted a female member of ExH family. Shes a child and it happened in public, was reported by someone who witnessed it.

I found out as my two young children had to be questioned by social worker/police, as it turns out he has a history of abusing young girls and has once been convicted years ago.

Initial concerns over my daughter as she had been very reluctant to see her dad (they usually went to the grandparents house) and had some behavioural difficulties. Social worker said nothing was disclosed but that both my children had said they were scared of him. An incident of violence was reported by my daughter but it was quite muddled/confusing.

ExH mother decided to stick by this man- not the first time. She told ExH that she doesnt want to die alone. Ex H has cut them both off.

I wrote a strongly worded letter explaining that there would be no more contact with either of them. She knew what he had done in the past, did not say anything, my children had been babysat by him on numerous occasions- alone. She responded by saying she understood, and goodbye basically.

The victim of latest abuse is too scared to speak about it now and since it happened another female has come forward about past abuse from him. Its likely he will go to prison.

ExMIL has just sent my DD a birthday card, signed from them both, with a large cheque and a cheery message like nothing has happened. Obviously I dont want it but I dont know whether I should just send it back or include a note clarifying the no contact, and if so what to write? I dont want to be nasty but I really need her to understand that its not appropriate anymore.

This may seem petty in light of the whole situation but really I just want them completely out of our lives, for my childrens protection, and Im not sure how best to go about it.

I would just return the card and the cheque. If she chooses to stay with a child abuser she gives up the right to have a relationship with children.

Sorry - I would add a brief note on this occasion only Atari g what I said above. If she sends anything else just put return to sender on it and post back every time

Saying not Atari - stupid iPhone autocorrect

I would just return the letter and cheque - it would be pretty obvious why you don't want to accept it. If you do write a note, it might to a good idea to get your ex involved to show that you both don't want her to contact your children.

I think you have already said it hun, I would say this is not appropriate and send it back, it feels to me like she is trying to say sorry of sorts with the money, the thing is she is going to be lonely when he gets put away.

She needs counselling and a lot of help, this doesnt in anyway excuse her decision, but god only knows what she is thinking, or what hold he has over her.

Thanks everyone.

I have wondered if she is 'all there' at the moment- my ExH brother lived at home when new allegations came to light and he reported nothing had changed at home, all was as normal. Very odd, finding it all hard to understand. ExFIL doesnt seem to be the controlling type, far from it, but I guess he didnt seem the type to abuse young kids either.

Not to drip feed but she also included a dividend cheque, from the childrens trust fund. Its their inheritance from EXPIL parents but she deals with it all. Im wondering if she will 'get' why Im keeping one cheque and not the other. Does it make me a hypocrite- even though that money is from the kids great grandparents?

I would contact the Great grandparents and explain your position, asking they either deal directly with you or not at all.

mummytime: their greatgrandparents are dead, this trust fund is my childrens inheritance from them. ExH asked his mum to send the dividend cheques to him so theres no contact between me and her at all, but she refused.

Open an a count in your dc's names and tell her from now on to pay the dividend cheques straight into it

Why don't you just write her a note to return with the card and the cheque from them?

Explain that you are keeping the dividend cheque as it's the children's entitlement under the terms of their greatgrandparents' will, but that as discussed, no further contact from them as grandparents will be tolerated.

I would refuse all contact - that includes cheques of any kind. Then they have 'no' hold over your children. The kids will survive without an inheritence.

I would love to sassybeat but this is thousands of pounds that will ensure my children some security one day...and by the time they reach 18, I'm pretty sure they are going to need it. But I agree, I hate the way its done. I might see about opening my children an account...

Thanks Olgaga, Im going to write exactly that.

I would go along with what Olgaga said. If there is any further contact from them do you have "legal" options you can take to prevent them from having contact ? Also in light of why you are refusing contact, is there anyway your ExH could be awarded control of the childrens inheritence so you ExH parents have no excuse to try to keep in contact

I don't see why the children should be denied their rightful inheritance because their grandad is a sex abuser!

tj, I have absolutely no idea about legal options but id like to know!

I think it would be a good idea to consult a solicitor. Is your XH basically OK, or is he a difficult knob himself? It would be even better if you can work with him on this - what you need is to secure access to the inheritance money (only the very wealthy or the very stupid would turn this down; the long-dead grandparents are not responsible for the criminal in the family and nor are your DC) on the grounds that the MIL is untrustworthy.

solidgoldbrass; XH has been very supportive in this situation but has proven to be unreliable and trustworthy in the past- with lots of things including money. So, although I would prefer the cheques to come from him, having him responsible for the kids inheritance would not be a great idea. Im not sure how it all works to be honest. As far as I know, she either gets the money every 6 months, puts it in her account and then divides it up between the grandkids.

I think sgb idea of contacting a solicitor is a good one. You need to find a way of protecting your dc inheritance as well as protecting them against you ex pil. A legal way may be the best way foreword.

The current set up means you will need to inform pil if you move. Which us something you may not want to do.

And could I really do it on the grounds that Ex MiL is untrustworthy?
He has not been found guilty of this recent abuse yet- though has been charged- however obviously she knew about prior allegations/conviction- and didnt say a word.

It might be worth you while having a chat with a solicitor Im sure you could find one that may do a free consultation which at least would let you know what your options are. You are sooooooooooooo doing the right thing keeping these people out of your DC lives. Im sorry but I think you EX Mil is just as bad as your Ex FiL for standing by him through all this and neither deserve any part in a decent family life.
T x

Exactly Rackand Ruin, when and if I do move, Id rather have them not know where we are. I cannot ever rule out her/them turning up on my doorstep or the school (they are informed) to try and see the kids.

I think exactly the same tj. And to be honest the way she has protected and supported him makes a little part of me think that she could be involved in some way- or at least knew what was going on with family child (unrealistic that his first assault on her would be in public)

Thanks all so much for the advice, its really helpful

I am not a lawyer, but it's worth talking to one - as was said upthread, a lot will give a free half-hour consultation. Try to find one who specialises in family law, as well. Best of luck.

I wonder if the MIL wants to keep sending things by post so that she knows where the grandchildren live ? she might be worried that you would move house without telling her and she would loose all connection ?

Another idea might be to open up a PO Box (there is a small annual charge) and get her to send things there - you can then keep matters away from your children, and you can decide if you want to bank any monies on their behalf.

Thanks SGB, I will look into it. Rosemary, yes I think thats it. Im wondering if she thinks I will resume contact whilst hes in prison...not going to happen! She is most certainly stubborn though and I dont think she will post cheques to anywhere other than my home address.

If and when he is convicted, does anyone know if I can do anything to prevent them from making contact with me? (even if theres no harrassment- more for my peace of mind?)