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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sexting: should I apologise for saying euugh, enough?

34 replies

secretservice · 06/07/2012 09:18

I have a friend with very occasional benefits. We've known each four years, probably spent two of them in various levels of intamacy between other gf/bfs.

Anyway, Wed night, after a few weeks of not seeing or contacting him he texts out of the blue. All ver nice friendly, chatty across several hours. Anyway, as they always do, texts slowly became sexts, which is usually fine, usually I enjoy them!

But there was something different this time, somehow more aggressive, nasty. I felt as if I was being humiliated in a way. It's really difficult to put my finger on why though. As I was uncomfortable, I brought it to a premature end, it was quite late.

The following morning I was still feeling iffy so stupidly texted to ask if he meant to be mean. Not sure what I expected him to answer! He was unlikely to say yes!

His reply was basically if I felt that way then we should stop all such interaction, I think suggesting we could carry on with the friends part of the deal.

Now, and this is the real point, I feel really guilty about even suggesting that he'd want to deliberately hurt me in that way. He has been a great friend over the years, helped me thru the aftermath of separation from H, which happened before I met him.

Part of me wants to apologise profusely, not just to save a usually very pleasant diversion! But also cos I think he's hurt that I should think that of him. But the other part of me feels it's ok to keep those boundaries and I should say sorry for them.

So wwyd?

OP posts:

AlistairSim · 06/07/2012 09:22

Actually, he should apologise to you.

If he's such a good person and great friend he would be horrified to know he had made you feel uncomfortable, whether or not that was his intention.

Teansympathy · 06/07/2012 09:29

Agree with AlistairSim, he should not have made you feel like this , ask yourself the question, Would you have done this to him?, theres your answer, it is up to you if you want to carry on.

Original poster

secretservice · 06/07/2012 09:37

Thanks, that's actually what I thought originally, and was a bit surprised when there was no hint of apology or concern from him. But seemed to have talked myself into it being my fault for reacting in that way.

I've been consciously working on boundaries and stuff and worry I'm being too restrictive and still get a touch confused by it all. A few months back I'd have probably said nothing.

OP posts:

itsthequietones · 06/07/2012 16:12

You felt uncomfortable with what was being said and stopped it. That's absolutely fine and the right thing for you to do. Boundaries are very good things to have. You have nothing to apologise for, he has. Be proud of standing up for yourself x

MissFaversam · 06/07/2012 16:24

I'd tell him to stick his "sexting" where the sun don't shine OP. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. And that's right, you stick up for yourself.

Original poster

secretservice · 06/07/2012 22:45

Thanks again to you all. I feel like I've let you all down. I caved and apologised :(
Now realising how far it's all been on his terms and how much I try and appear wordly and cool with stuff I'm actually not. Pathetic really

OP posts:

MissFaversam · 06/07/2012 23:09

You haven't let me down for one. You aren't pathetic OP I certainly am not here to judge anyone as have massive fails myself

I would advise you though to take a step back and watch what he does, sometimes it just takes a while to actually get it well and truly in our heads

Don't reply to anything you find offensive OP.

TheHappyHissy · 06/07/2012 23:27

MASSIVE red flag. he's testing the water with you, you were offended and he is threatening to withdraw unless you STFU and take it.

Cut him off. Tell him that you've been thinking and it's not right for you. tell him any old bullshit, it doesn't matter, but end it.

the longer you have that twat in your life, the longer it will be until you meet a proper bloke.

Casmama · 06/07/2012 23:31

Very good advice from theHappyHissy. Trust your instincts and the way you felt during the texting. Someone who would let you apologise for feeling uncomfortable does not have your best interests at heart.

Original poster

secretservice · 07/07/2012 00:39

How many times I wonder have I STFU without even realising that's what I was doing. Argghh. It's like being two people at once, the don't take any shit at work persona, that I like to think is the real me and the puppy dog kick me so long as you say you care for me outside the office.

Lots of work still be done with the counsellor then!

OP posts:

TheHappyHissy · 07/07/2012 08:41

You should have seen my cv when i met my ex....

It opened any shit hot design agency door....

No-one would think i'd fall victim to an abuser. But i did.

Set boundaries and stick to them. Decent people don't treat you the way he is.

Definitely talk this through, either with us, or if you have a therapist, even better.

TheHappyHissy · 07/07/2012 08:47

Put it this way....

How would you feel if you knew you'd hurt MY feelings...

You'd apologise right? You'd feel bad, and possibly wince a little bit everytime you saw my name on the boards knowing there'd been niggles.

You don't even know ME! So why would you think its ok for some bloke to offend you, learn of this and not be anything other than apologetic.

Ice him out, don't return any calls, no need for any confrontation, he's not worth the angst.

Original poster

secretservice · 07/07/2012 09:10

Yes I'd be mortified Hissy, but is that because I'm too much of a people pleaser, an accusation he throws at me quite frequently. He thinks I let others get away with too much: I try too hard to be liked.

Yet he's probably the one I most often capitulate to - I just seem to collapse at the thought of him never being around even though I don't actually see him very often anyway. We probably text more than we speak face to face

OP posts:

DoingItForMyself · 07/07/2012 09:25

Perhaps you could say to him that you apologised because you felt bad for being mean but that you have since realised that "He thinks you let others get away with too much" so you're retracting your apology

Proudnscary · 07/07/2012 09:30

Instincts are king

Your instincts told you he was being aggressive/disrespectful

You did exactly the right thing - stopped the sexting then called him on it the next day

He should apologise to YOU

Proudnscary · 07/07/2012 09:35

Ok he berates you for being a people pleaser? So he knows you are the type to go along with things for fear of upsetting someone?

I think he sounds manipulative. Is it always him that instigates the sexting? I bet if you take your blinkers off and look back on the pattern of your friendship, sexting and sex, you will see he has been using you and pulling your strings.

Original poster

secretservice · 07/07/2012 10:02

Doingit, that's a great idea! Sadly, I'm too much of a wuss atm :(

You're right. Proud, he does know how to push my buttons, both the good and the bad. And it's those good ones that so far over-ridden the bad.

He's spent hours listening, and advising me well, after break-up with ex, that I feel I owe him some loyalty - that just walking away and 'icing' him would be rude and unnecessary.

But I always get talked around, if I try to tell him no more. Urgh... I have to stop pretending Im happy with the deal don't I? I've known almost from day one it was never going to be enough for me to be just friends, but four years on here I am, still hoping he'll see the light.

Why? When I know, not even that deep down, he's all wrong, and not just for me:(

OP posts:

haththefecklessbreeder · 07/07/2012 10:06

You know I've been where you are. It's not nice.

Almost exactly the same with a "friend" after me and the ex split up.

I did what you did (not for as long but it was the same thing exactly the same)

Until one day I just woke up and saw it for what it was.

I sent him a very rude text when I was still angry (one that was so rude that I'd never be able to get back from it)

And I've never looked back.

Original poster

secretservice · 07/07/2012 11:09

But his di I overcome the feeling that cutting contact is actually just cutting off my nose to spite my face?

OP posts:

haththefecklessbreeder · 07/07/2012 11:15

He's not worth it.

What are you getting from this?

Original poster

secretservice · 07/07/2012 11:19

Someone to talk/whine to when I know girl friends have had enough! The only sexual contact I've had in more than six months - actual and remotely

OP posts:

haththefecklessbreeder · 07/07/2012 11:20

So whine on here to me instead and buy a good vibrator.

Sorted.

Original poster

secretservice · 07/07/2012 11:27

You have no idea what you've just promised, feckless I can whine for team GB :)

I've never owned a vibrator, always felt it was a sign of failure

OP posts:

haththefecklessbreeder · 07/07/2012 11:28

That's OK. I have broad shoulders and I'm a good listener. plus I am old and therefore know things and I'm always right haha

Fuck that - get thyself a decent vibe then you won't miss him.

He's a knob. He's treating you like shit. And you are worth so much more.

His loss.

solidgoldbrass · 07/07/2012 11:33

Thing is, now you've noticed that he actually isn't that nice to you, and that there is a part of him that gets a mean little thrill out of bullying you, you can't un-notice it. And now he knows that you know, he's going to push a bit harder, and alternate that with more nicey-niceness.

There are plenty of other men out there who would make nice FWBs, if you want another FWB. If you want a committed relationship, there are men out there for that, as well. Remember that what you want is fine, it does matter, and you are not wrong for having boundaries - though do bear in mind that people who have different wants, needs and expectations aren't necessarily bad, they are just not necessarily right for you.

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