Can you love someone but also realise it's not enough?

[MiseryBusiness]

I love my DH, more than I can actually say. I know my DH loves me. He really, really does.

But, he has never been particularly in touch with his emotions. Doesn't ever really know how to say how he feels about things. He also admits that he doesn't actually understand why people feel emotional sometimes.

He is very kind, a brilliant Dad, he works very hard for all of us. He is a bit lazy but nothing too bad iykwim. Typical man - leaves his clothes lying around, doesn't tidy up after himself a lot but to be fair to him he will also cook, hoover and clean sometimes too.

However, recently I have been suffering from depression. I really need support, a shoulder to cry on, I need him to be my rock.

I can be obviously in a down mood for days and he'll just ignore it. He can see my crying and wont try to comfort me. On the rare occassion he does ask me if I'm ok/feeling alright I will pour my heart out to him and he wont say anything. Just silence - every time it's silence. This has been going on for a while now and I feel my depression get worse because I dont feel supported or like I have anyone to talk to.

Last night I said we need to get help, we need to learn how to look after each other emotionally. That I really need his help and reassurance. Guess what - Silence. Nothing.

I told him I'm so close to walking away to some time to myself to get my head clear - Nothing. I even asked him if he was going to say something, that I really need him to say something and he said, ''I'm thinking'' then went to sleep.

I dont know what to do. Every other part of our relationship is brilliant.

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect emotional support but some people simply aren't good at that. You say he has always been the same way so presumably, when you got into a relationship together, that was part of the package that you accepted and loved about him.

I think it's unreasonable to expect anyone to be able to offer the right kind of support when you're suffering from a mental health issue as complex as depression. Depression is a distressing, confusting and frightening illness from the outside. This makes it difficult enough to deal with if someone is strong on emotional support, impossible if they are not. If someone is terrified of saying or doing the wrong thing - and that is very common indeed - they may default to silence out of desperation. That shouldn't be interpreted as lack of support or being uncaring.

Get medical treatment for your depression from professionals that know what to do and what to say. Maybe encourage your husband to come along to any doctor appointments or therapy sessions. If he doesn't know how to cope living with someone with depression, he will need help & guidance just as much as you need treatment.

I am getting medical treatment for my depression. I see a CPN every week and it is getting better.

To be honest. When we first met I actually dont think he was like that. Maybe a little bit reserved but not how he is now. We used to stay up all night talking about the future, how we felt about each other, you know the usual when you're first in love with someone.

I have recently been doing a lot of talking and research on what it's like to live with someone with depression to try and see things from his point of view and I know it must be hard.

He doesn't engage at all though. Never asks how I am. Ever. Doesn't seem to care when I'm not in a good mood. I can say something and he'll ignore and start a different conversation and leave me hanging or he'll just walk out the room.

However, I am always supporting him, encouraging. Will reassure him when it's needed. My life seems to revolve around him and what he wants.

I have no advice but I want to let you know I am going through the exact same thing. DP went through a traumatic upbringing and I think emotional displays scare him and he's told me it makes him angry when I cry. I don't see a way out but I know how alone you must feel

Thanks Skippy. I'm sorry you are going through something similar.

It's terribly lonely isn't it?

Misery, it may not help, but from my perspective, I also find it very hard to deal with someone when they are depressed. I would find it difficult to listen for hours or know the right thing to say. I know this is because I was brought up around depression and it frightens me, so I try to ignore it or remain cheerful or even worse, become exasperated by the same conversations time and time again. I would do things like change the subject rather than talk about how depressed the person is feeling- this is very hard for another person to hear (it's hard not to hear it as 'I am unhappy with my entire life, including you')

I don't think this is the best way to handle it, but on the other hand, your husband can't really give more than he can give, and actually he IS your rock, he hasn't got up and walked out or said I can't live with this anymore. He's just steadily being there for you in his own way, even though I see you would like more tangible support in the form of active listening and a shoulder to cry on.

I would also say, but perhaps you don't want to hear this, that endless sympathy and listening and being patient doesn't always work best with depressed people. Sometimes a slightly more pragmatic getting on with it manner works better.

But I totally accept that you are not faced with this, rather a wall of silence. Perhaps he's worried if he says the truth (which may be that this is very difficult to live with or he is worried you wont' survive as a couple), you will be even more depressed so he is remaining silent as he doesn't want to make it worse.

I don't have any answers, except that it's great you are seeing the nurse. Offloading to others outside the household definitely helps. Would your husband be happy to see the nurse himself, or perhaps learn more about how to support people with depression?

I totally get and understand how difficult it might be and for some people. If you have maybe been around depressed people before it might be difficult.

My DH doesn't have that excuse. He has never known anyone to be depressed so doesn't have an opionion either way. He thinks it's something you should just be able to snap out of.

I dont think I've helped myself because he had no idea I was depressed until I told him. I have become an expert and being totally normal, happy, outgoing with everyone and dying on the inside so when I said I need help I think he thought I was sort of making it up.

I actually dont want sympathy or patience. I just want to have a conversation. You know. Tell him what troubles I'm having so we can have an adult discussion on what to do.

I dont tell him I hate my life (I do, but thats not the point) I dont say any 'woe is me' type of thing. I just like to talk things out.

I think we have different approaches to tackle difficult subjects. My best friend tried to commit sucide 3 years ago and afterwards I was so shocked but did everything I could to try and find out how I can actually help her because she is so important to me.

I just know if this ever happened to him I wouldn't be behaving the way he is. I feel let down.

I couldn't ignore your post OP. I am in exactly the same place as you at the moment. Well maybe a bit further down the ine as I have my dpression under control now. In fact if I wasn't so unhappy with things in my marriage I would be reducing the AD's now. Have you thought about medication at all? I fought against it for ten long years as my depression would come and go so I felt I wanted to avoid it, but it was the best decision I ever made. Not for everyone though. Can I PM you later? I would like to chat some more but don't want to say everything publically.

I could have written this post Misery. I've suffered with depression on/off since a teenager & I'm late thirties now. I've been with dh for nearly 20 years & have tried many times to engage him more. I have been through counselling & have just qualified as a counsellor.

It has been a very tough journey of personal development & I've had to face alot of things I'd rather not accept about myself. I've also realised that there is a massive divide in how people view depression. I still get very frustrated with dh's lack of emotional interaction. However, I'm not sure this will ever change.

Something that has helped me is to virtually switch places! So from dh's perspective he just isn't particularly emotional & as much as he is that way, I am the polar opposite! Does that make sense? So I am more accepting of our differences. Counselling has really helped me to manage my depression. I know that if I need a hug & a chat from dh, I actually have to ask though. I'd rather not have to but he does support me better when I need it that way. I would rather he was more proactive but it ain't gonna happen!! For me, I think it's about my stuff & not really about him changing.

I hope that helps a little. I can totally empathise as it's a very debilitating condition (((BIG hug)))

Needacrystalball - Feel free to pm me.

mashedpotatohead - I think my counsellor has made me realise a lot of my issues are my own and that I dont need to change just deal with the person I am. It is helping a lot with my stress levels and the depression seems to be getting better.

The trouble is when something does come up that I want to talk about or I feel I need to talk about it and DH ignores me it makes me feel so much worse. Like one step forward and then 10 steps back.

I dont think my DH is wrong or needs to change but I'm not sure whether to accept our differences and then decide if it's a deal breaker.

Can I learn to be happy with how it is now. Should I try to find someone else to talk to about the important things so I'm not putting my DH in an uncomfortable possition?

My counsellor has talked to me about that fact I'm a talker - I like to talk things out and analyse it. Look for answers to the problems and then try and deal with things in a planned out way and the fact I dont have anyone to do it with or that supports me with this, it does make me feel frustrated and alone.

I really do understand where you're coming from Misery. Good for you addressing it in counselling, it's a blooming hard slog.

I've often wondered if it's a deal breaker too but I guess I've inadvertently explored different avenues. I do know a couple of fellow depression sufferers & find talking to them invaluable. I think I feel more validated & less like a freak! I do check in with dh so he knows how I am (as can be up & down) but I would generally go deeper into thoughts & feelings with my depressed friends (that sounds awful, it's not a depression fest!).

I think it would be fair to say we have reached a truce in that he will listen & give me a hug, comfort me etc but then says nothing! I feel better for telling him but less pathetic & needy for enagaging him in my analystic tendencies!

Please feel free to PM me, you don't need to feel frustrated & alone x

My DH has bouts of awful depression and can disappear into his world but also become negative and horribly aggressive for weeks on end. At first I used to take it personally, think that I was the problem and probably make things worse by calling him on his behaviour. Now my response is to disengage, detach and basically leave him to it until the world looks less horrible for him. I take the view that someone has to keep the show on the road, keep working, keep things together for DC so I need to self protect. Not saying that you are as extreme to live with as my DH can be, but as you say your DH has become less supportive I wonder if he has gone into self protect mode?

I think you need to accept that your H is not going to turn into a touchy-feely listening type, and that doesn't make him a bad person. It is very, very tiring to live with someone who has MH issues, even more so if you are not, yourself, the sort of person who is interested in analysing and discussing emotions. It sounds as though he is doing his best to help you by being practical and calm; you need to access the emotional support you require from other people who are more suited to offering it.

Thanks Vicky. That must be hard on you.

I dont scream, shout. I'm never aggressive - Never have been.

I wish DH was in some sort of self protection mode but it's actually me that always keeps things going for everyone.

I've asked him if he 'blocks' me out because he cant deal with it or something like that. He has told me he just doesnt see that it's his problem, especially now I have counsellor he doesn't feel any responsibility to help me deal with anything because I have a professional to do that.

Last week he basically said, he just doesn't like talking about things emotionally so he would rather not do it and to save any arguments he feels ignoring the issue until it goes away works best for him and I need to find what works for me.

Trouble is, we are in a relationship and we should be able to help each other.

Hi, Misery, so sorry you're feeling this way.

Can I ask how many DC you have, and if you work at all?

Have to DC. One is nearly 6 the other is nearly 3.

Haven't worked in a while.

It's quite difficult with DH's job, really. We move around a lot and he is away a lot.

Opps obviously I meant, two!

Have you had a job since having your DC?

I just think that being at home with the children all the time, with a partner in full-time work, can be hugely isolating. You can't ever get away from yourself and the problems you see around you.

And while I'm not suggesting that every mother who works outside the home skips off happily each day, and never gets depressed, it's true from my own experience that having something else to focus on gives you less time to dwell on what you feel is wrong with your life. You have a different perspective, you have other people to sound things off to.

I know you say it would be difficult with your DH's job, but it might be worth considering what options you have.

Sorry Misery, I didn't mean to imply that you were aggressive and in some ways, you may almost be coping too well (at least outwardly) for there to be too much of a comparison between my situation and your DH's. I simply have to keep calm and carry on, whereas it sounds like your husband has the option to ignore your suffering because your pain is largely expressed inward.

What is clear though is that you cannot make someone be something they're not. The harsh truth is you need to decide whether an emotionally unavailable husband is better than no husband at all. You may feel that the way he is is feeding your depression (I'm not blaming him) and that you may feel happier if you did not have an expectation of support from someone who just isn't that kind of person.

I still think he has shut down though, if not in a deliberate self protection way, certainly in a "yeah, whatever, not my issue" way. Not very nice at all.

Yes - I do want to get back to work. I worked part time in the evenings until DH and I got married and I gave up my house to move to DH's place of work (military) and since then it seems whenever I start looking for work he goes away for X amount of months so it just never happens.

We're moving again in a month or so. I plan to start looking for something then.

You're right Vicky - is an emotionally unavailable husband better than no husband. Probably. Doesn't feel like it right now but I'm sure once everything settles down it'll look brighter.

I think part of me is sad because I always thought we'd be there for each other - no matter what.

This may scare you but have you considered that your DH may be thinking of leaving you, because he doesn't know how to deal with your depression, and is feeling under huge strain at not being able to help you.

I think you should seek medical help, and accept that he is doing his best. Depression is extremely difficult to handle for both the sufferer and their family. You are not at fault for suffering from it, and he is not at fault for not knowing how to help you with it.

I am getting medical help. Have been for a while.

It's really hard to explain. Ok. I am suffering from depression. Both my CPN and GP do NOT think I need medication, nor do I. There are various reasons for my depression at the moment and it's all social an environmental.

I do function day to day quite well. On the outside, everything is fine. Me and DH laugh and joke and enjoy spending every day together - same as the kids. They are well looked after by me.

Yes, sometimes I have 'down' days where I am obviously preoccupied with everything that is going on in my head because I am always keeping everything internal and it get the better of me. No one else I know is aware I have a problem, even people I see most days.

Even my DH will say, 'but you've seemed fine for the last X days. I thought you were getting better?'

I am getting better but on the days it can get a bit too much I want to be able to talk to DH without being ignored iyswim and when he ignores me or trivialises it it does make me feel tonnes worse.

One thing I am 100% sure about it that DH is not planning on leaving me.

Are you sure your relationship with you DH isn't partly responsible for your depression? Hardly being at home, and when he is being lazy by leaving his dirty clothes and dishes lying around as described in your OP is going to make you feel like a glorified domestic servant. Couple that with I'm guessing pretty much sole responsibility for the DC if he's working a lot and away a lot, and this might be the root cause of your depression. You need to feel desired, appreciated and like you have a purpose that is understood and valued by those around you. I'm guessing you feel none of that right now.

Your DH probably doesn't know what to do or say to be fair to him, and his behaviour domestically is not out of the norm (sadly), so it doesn't necessarily follow that he's a bastard and you should leave him , but I think you'd both benefit from some relationship or joint MH counselling.

Even if he's not the touchy feely type, he would want to learn how best to support you if he loves you, even if it feels damn awkward for him at first. He may just need a little help to do that. Counselling could make him understand that and take his first steps. I also think you need to do something exclusively for you, regardless of what anyone else thinks about it.

I'm not sure it's so much as our relationship but I have come to realise that DH job is the cause of some of my depression but that I did choose to be with him and I decided to would marry into the military so I do need to deal with that.

I find the lack of control over my life quite difficult. I cant decide where to live, I don't see my friends and family often, we're always moving so holding down a job is difficult, I am on my own a lot, DC's are pretty much my responsibility for example youngest DC is nearly 3 and DH has been around for a little less than half of that time.

DH doesn't really get that. He loves his job - it's his dream job and is very proud of his achievments (as am I) and he does try to empathise but in a way he is living the dream and doesnt get why I would be unhappy.

I am really trying to understand that DH doesn't know how to deal with it all himself. This thread is helping me with that.

If it's helping you, that's great. But I wouldn't get too sidetracked by understanding how your DH feels TBH. I'd concentrate on understanding how you feel. Until you can articulate what's wrong, you can't find a way through it.

Wives throughout history and all over the world can empathise with you. So often they have sacrificed their own careers and fulfilment to help their husbands achieve theirs. It's not asking too much of your DH to appreciate how monumental that decision was, however willingly made. What you're feeling isn't unique by any stretch of the imagination, but just because it's commonplace doesn't make it easy to deal with. Feeling like you have no purpose in life is one of the leading causes of depression, as well as one of the main symptoms (ironically).

Ultimately, your DH couldn't have had the career he's had and the children he's got without you fulfilling the role you have. He'd have had to make a choice between marriage/fatherhood and career if you'd been determined to fulfil your own ambitions. You made a conscious choice and have benefitted from the arrangement too, so no one's saying he should grovel at your feet, but he should understand that he couldn't have had it all without you and he should be appreciative of the fact and be prepared to make some sacrifices of his own to ensure that you are happy too. Fair's fair.

If this means your DH needs to learn about depression or has to ensure that money is always available for babysitters so that you can pursue your own hobbies, then that's the least a supportive DH can do IMO. He'll probably be mightily relieved to be presented with a set of 'orders' that he can perform to make you feel better, so the next step for you is working out what it is that you want him to do exactly. Think about specific things that would make you feel better. What did you want to do before children? Can any of that translate into a hobby that can move with you? Can you get more involved in wives/GFs groups through the army? Can you study for some qualifications? Can you improve how regularly you see your family by taking regular visits? This is important and should be made a priority if it benefits you.

So concentrate on yourself for now.

Thank you very much Dahlen - Your post has really helped me. I think I have a lot to think about and focus on.

I think I will talk to DH tonight about taking some positve steps.