New baby, relationship with DP gone sour...what next?

[georgethecat]

My gorgeous ds is 4 months but my relationship with DP is not good right now.

He is financially crap & most of the bills I take care of. He is at college, an opportunity made possible by my running of the house. I am currently on mat leave and do all for the baby, he has changed about 3 nappies. The house is a bit messy but I keep on top of the clothes washing (I am ok with this as babe takes priority).

I just feel so angry with him all the time as he moans about being at college (i see it as an opportunity). He moans about the cleanliness of the house and acts like cinderella if he does the washing up. He hasn't actively helped with the baby and has joked 'you wanted him, you can take care of him'. He makes statements about there being no food/toilet rolls/etc. Why do men not know where tescos is?? Then he wonders why I dont want to have sex.

At the moment I am spending most days round at parents house 9 - 7pm, I just don't want to be at my house. I know I am not doing anything to help the situation but I am so angry with him.

I just don't know if I have the energy to resolve the situation like it should be resolved.

He sounds like a useless man-child, sorry. Did he want your ds too? I would be making clear my expectation that he does 50% of the housework and childcare if he isn't working, or a lesser proportion but he gets a job to support his child. If he won't, then I'd wonder if my life wouldn't be easier without an extra child to look after.

I would find it hard to respect him.

You both sound a bit stunned by having to run a home and look after a baby. Basically neither of you want to do the housework.

You have your gorgeous baby to spend the day with so why are you moaning and staying at your DPs?

He could be feeling a bit unwanted (except as a cleaner) since the gorgeous one appeared on the scene. His moaning might just be an attempt to get a bit of attention that isn't criticism.

YOu could say to him, let me show you how to bath baby then I will clear up while you do bath time. Then tell him how good he is at it. Or suggest a nice meal and bottle of wine but will he look after baby whilst you cook.

He has faults but you are not going to improve things by trying to out strop him.

Men do. Lazy manboys, not so much.

Did he help out (financially/at home) before you had ds? I get the impression this is not a new thing, but something that you've accepted for a while?

What was he like before? What about him made you choose to have a baby with him? Did you mistakenly assume he'd man up when he had a kid?

He sounds dreadful from what you are saying, but only judging what he has been like over the long term will really help you to know if this is fixable.

If he was always like this but you didn't realise that you didn't want a man-baby before you had your own baby, you can fight for him to change, but I imagine it'll be tough.

If he doesn't improve, I personally I couldn't live with such an unfair scenario.

What a crap time to be dealing with this, you poor thing :(

"Why do men not know where tescos is?? "

Real men are perfectly capable of grocery shopping, cleaning a house and all the other domestic things you mention. Selfish, immature, lazy irresponsible 'kidults' are also capable but would prefer not to. It needs to be resolved and you can either have a 'shape up or ship out' conversation or you can both act like grown-ups and deal with it as a team

Oh please don't listen to Mayisout.

Well he sounds like a lazy selfish arsehole. Has he any redeeming features? If not, given that (by the sound of it) you are the one with the income and the one who owns the house, it will not be too difficult to get rid of him. It's OK to do that You are under no obligation to 'make it work' with a parasitic lazy man who is not prepared to make any effort himself, and the sooner you get rid, the better. You will only be legally obliged to allow him contact with the baby for a reasonable amount of time, and if he is as uninterested as he sounds, and just fucks off, let him go now while your child is too young to be upset by his disappearance.

Thanks all have taken comments on board, sat him down and have agreed some changes. Have drawn map to Tescos, explained my frustrations & have listened to his. Sometimes it is difficult being in a relationship & more difficult knowing when to work hard at it and when to call it a day "~ Well the line in the sand has been drawn.

Just make sure that you know exactly what you're going to do if he crosses that line.

Good luck.

OK, so this is his one chance to behave himself and do his fair share of domestic work and childcare. Have a timescale in your head; maybe of about a month. That should be long enough for him either to have understood and be doing his best, or to have made a token effort and lapsed back into 'Well I put the bins out once, what are you moaning about?'. And if he's not making the effort, get rid.