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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

21 year old niece and her 46 year old "friend with benefit".

12 replies

Maghribia · 05/07/2012 20:37

Last night my niece came over (she is only a few years younger than me, as my sister is much older than I am, and so we are more like friends) and she told me all about this man she has been seeing. I know that she is an adult and that ultimately it is her decision, but I was a bit concerned.

He is 46, "totally skint" according to her as he lost his business, has been through a divorce and hates the ex wife with a passion, constantly calling her names and expecting my niece to laugh along with it, and has had a long string of girlfriends, all of whom have been 16 or around that age. He was very proud that one girlfriend who he cheated on at her 17th birthday party had parents younger than he is. He also told her that he had numerous affairs while married and engaged to other women, particularly with their friends or their family members.

He also announced certain incidents where he had been violent and also stuff like breaking into cash tills and phones. She sounded a bit worried about it, but apparently he is really into her and has only been kind so far.

I know how these things go and usually it ends up in a big abusive fall out, and I think she should just get out of the situation asap. But obviously I don't know him, only what she has told me.

Am I right, hearing alarm bells about the age thing?

It's a bit strange to brag about all your affairs and almost-crimes if you are trying to impress someone isn't it? Why would someone do that if he wants to look like a nice guy?

Just wondered what MNers think.

OP posts:
doggiemumma · 05/07/2012 20:40

If it was just an age thing id say YABU, but he sounds like an utter cunt, tell your niece to run and run fast

Maghribia · 05/07/2012 20:43

I'm not saying age gaps can't work, but it just seems a bit extreme that these girls were just 16 and that he got off on it at 40 something! If it was just a coincidence about the age and they got on well etc that's fair enough but to make a point about it is a bit creepy imo.

OP posts:
AMumInScotland · 05/07/2012 21:10

I don't think you should particularly mention the age gap to her - she's an adult and is free to have relationships with a man that age if she feels like it.

But she could probably do with reassurance/confirmation from you that her instincts are right - she's worried about it because it is actually a worrying scenario. I'd focus on that angle - maybe even say "if a friend was telling you that stuff about her bloke, you'd be warning her that it was likely to end up a mess, wouldn't you?"

The reason he does it is so that, when it all goes pear-shaped he can say "Well I never made a secret of what I'm like, did I? It's your fault you can't deal with reality, I told you all along I'm not the faithful/honest/caring type"

ImperialBlether · 05/07/2012 21:17

God, he sounds absolutely disgusting. What the hell is she doing with him?

Taghain · 05/07/2012 22:04

Show her the "How to Spot a Loser" website, and hope she runs.
All the above are classic signs of a bad man who will hurt her mentally and possibly physically.

FaffTastic · 05/07/2012 22:30

It's not necessarily the age gap that alarm bells should be ringing about but,ugh, they should definatley be ringing about everything else

I doubt there is very little you can say to her though to make her change her mind and you'll just have to be there to pick up the pieces when it ends - which it will do eventually, thank god.

fiventhree · 05/07/2012 22:48

She is the same age as my duaghter.

She should run like f..k!

cureall · 05/07/2012 22:51

You should be very worried IMO, I can't believe she's still seeing him, surely she realises relating all that stuff to you that he is a BAD EGG.

HenriettaChicken · 05/07/2012 22:55

Agree with all other posters: the age thing is the least of her worries. He fact that he is a cock is far more of a concern. She needs to get out - fast and for good.

ThisIsMummyPig · 05/07/2012 22:59

The trouble is that when you are 21 you think that you are invincible, and then you find out... However, she should dump the bastard.

SoSad007 · 06/07/2012 00:39

I think the age gap is the least of all her worries in regards to this man. Hmm There was a really good post earlier this year about red flags in relationships. Ask your niece to have a look at this.

Red-flags-I-should-have-heeded-share-yours-for-womenkind

Bluesue26 · 06/07/2012 07:43

I wonder if he brags about all this stuff to these younger women because they are much younger than him and he thinks they're going to be impressed and think he's a "bad boy"? I used to work with a few young women years ago who were stunning and had bags of personality, yet only seemed to want to go out with the ones who'd been to prison etc.

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