Elderly parents- just need to offload a bit. Bit long......

[Mydodderyparents]

This might seem trivial but I am worried and wonder if anyone else is in the same boat?

In a nutshell, my father is becoming more of a bully towards my mum. The are in their mid 80s, I live 250 miles away but my brother lives near to them.

We are both worried at how my dad treats my mum- over the last couple of years it has become worse.

I find myself encouraging my mum to "rebel" and stick up for herself but my dad reacts with rages.

Basically, they have always had a very traditional set up- he worked, she stayed mainly at home, and he gave her housekeeping money and money for herself.

Since he retired, he has wanted to hold onto the purse strings even more- he has a very dated idea of women- thinks they cannot handle money, despite me- his daughter leaving home at 18, and managing fine in my own for over 10 years before I got married!

Upshot of all of this is that he will not allow my mum to spend any money on anything to do with DIY / home maintenance etc unless he okays it.

Two years back hehad a mild stroke and although he is okay, he's a bit slower and his judgement of people and life in 2012 is not all it could be. They have been ripped off once last year when they paid over the odds for work on the house, and it's liable to happen again- he trusts people too much and is too embarrassed or whatever to ask for quotes in writing, so they have ended up with bigger bills- and they are not well off.

My mum tires to make him see sense but he literally shouts her down and tells her to "keep out of it all". He gets angry very easily- partly out of frustration I think at how his mind is not quite as sharp as it was ( he's a very intelligent man) and she backs off, worried he will have another stroke or heart attack even.

My mum has no pension or money of her own so she still has to ask for everything. It was only quite recently that he " gave in" and allowed her to share a joint account and cheque book.

However, she doesn't "dare" commission work or pay for anything unless he agrees.

I suppose I just have to leave them to it- but when my mum off loads about her worries and how he is risking money etc without getting written quotes, it causes a row with him if she then talks to him about it.

I hate to see her bullied like this and I hate him wasting- or potentially wasting - the little money thet have left.

I haven't talked to him- we have a good relationship- but I am worried I'd upset him more and his health would suffer.

Anyone else?

I'd put a tenner on him outliving your mother.... Definitely have a word and try to assess his mental state in the process. Angry outbursts can be a symptom of dementia. Just mild provocation can set it off. If this and the impaired judgement means you suspect there is a clinical reason for his change in character, could you get their GP to make a home visit?

I agree with Cogito..

I would get him to see a doctor. My nan had a couple of TIAs (like mini strokes i think) and vascular dementia. Most of the time she was 'fine' but had episodes of nastiness and real spiteful behaviour - which was really out of charachter as she had always done anything for her family. Apparently this is common with vascular dementia. It might not help in the sense that i dont think they can actually do anything, but it might help you in understanding why he is acting like he is

I agree. It sounds like his personality change could be down to vascular dementia.

He ay need to be on medication, as well

Thanks for the comments.

Involving the dr is a complete no-no I'm afraid. My father is dr- averse unless he really needs to- and he won't even allow my mum to call the dr when he's ill with flu etc etc.

In any case he does see the dr reasonably often to have his BP measured etc.

The rages are just shouting and severe bad temper when anyone tries to tell him "what to do" - he's a control freak and I think he resents the fact that we- the family- think he is not capable of making decisions etc.

It's more a case of do I work o n my mum to make her more assertive- or is it a lost cause? Suspect the latter.

Their marriage is unrecognsiable by modern standards of behaviour- he won't allow her to get quotes, arrange for people to come and quote etc- without his agreement or involvement. Then afterwards she can't "book anyone" unless he agrees. This can cause real problems if by phone as his hearing is not great and results in him mishearing things.

So- it's a problem- but drs assessing dementia- no, sorry- no chance. And it's not my role- I'm 250 miles away for a start.

Well then the assertive thing for your DM to do would be to involve the GP. She can go and speak to them about him and they can invite him in, or assess him when he comes in for his BP.

She could be at risk form him

from him - if he rages this could get physical

Alheimer's Disease Society Info on all kinds of dementia, including Multi-Infarct/Vascular Dementia

Also, what does your brother think?

Your poor mother. How is assertiveness training going to help if your Dad actually is suffering from dementia? If he doesn't get angry at his BP checks, how are they going to know about his behaviour unless someone tells them? Never mind that he doesn't want to see a GP. His judgement is impaired, he's throwing their money away, getting into 'rages', could easily turn violent and, if a few strangers on the internet think his behaviour worrying based on a rough sketch, you can guarantee a GP will gladly make a house-call based on the same information.

When my cousin was displaying a lot of worrying symptoms, I arranged for GP to make a house-call and I was 200 miles away. They diagnosed paranoid schizophrenia. Don't wash your hands on this one. Your mother and your father really do need your help.

I'm sorry but I think you have picked up on the wrong thing. It's not the rages- they amount to no more than a few harsh words and a bit of a severe put-down for my mum- with a raised voice.

It's more his not relinquishing control of the finances- or treating her as an equal.

He gets angry when she and my brother "back him into a corner" about something- no violence- nowhere near violence. Sorry- not being ungrateful for the ideas but it doesn't ring true- and I'm not being blind to his faults.

Do they really need to be getting quotes etc at their age. As long as house doesn't fall down before they go it probably doesn't matter.

Or what about some sheltered accommodation where someone else worries about repairs.

What is he finding to spend money on?

What about getting power of attorney for DB 'in case something happens to DF and DM can't manage on her own' - if phrased like that DF might agree.