Sleepwalking into splitting up. Help please.

[labelwriter]

Okay, where to start. Have been with DP for 10 years now, two DC, cat, mortgage etc. No affairs, no real drama, definitely no DV or anything similar in all that time but I feel like we are sleepwalking into splitting or more to the point our relationship is reaching such a stage of lethargy that we are taking each other more and more for granted.

On many levels our relationship is really good, make time for each other, respect each other (well, I him, I am assuming that's mutual!) he makes me laugh, we are still quite affectionate and very rarely argue but increasingly we sleep in separate rooms (this was based on co-sleeping DS1 but I feel it's more of an excuse these days) we never have sex (and I mean never) and I feel like we are more brother and sister these days, we have hardly had sex since DS (2) was born. Neither of us have ever had a high sex drive but it's really dwindled into nothing

We are both in our early 40s and I do want to stay in the relationship and I think he does to, never shown any signs of not wanting to but I am feeling increasingly unhappy. Money is a bit of an issue, he earns well but have a lot of outgoings so that also puts a strain on things (we are not destitute by any means but bank accounts never healthy and no savings at the moment). His lack of drive drives me a bit crazy, his work is quite specialized and he could earn a lot more which would really help but he doesn't really do anything about finding another job as he isn't good with change. Also takes ages to get anything done (perfectionist but this manifests itself in jobs taking years in the planning and then never getting done) but I am in no ways perfect, and I am sure there are things about me which drive him crazy. I think probably a big part of the problem is our lack of communication. I am, and always have been terrible at talking about things, not just with DP, with everyone. I want to get our spark back, as there is lots worth saving about what we have, I do love him and probably get along a lot better than a lot of couples I know, but I can see there are some pretty fundamental issues we have to deal with. Also I would love another DC but obviously we need to sort issues out first. I'd value any advice. Thank you

You need to talk. If you really can't summon up the nerve to speak to him, why not write it down, basically put down on paper what you have said above and give it to him.

It might open up the doors to discussions between you.

You need to do something, as otherwise things will continue to drift along.

Good luck.

This is the kind of situation that couples counselling was designed for. You'll need to be quite brave at first to open up your innermost feelings in front of a third party, but if you have a problem communicating in the first place it can really help.

Thank you, i think it's really how to get to the conversation / counselling stage. He does ask me a lot if I am okay but I find it so hard to talk about anything. I can be quite moody. We are lucky that we have regular free babysitting exchange so maybe I need to get a glass of wine in me and go from there. Really don't want to split and don't think that is in the offing but i recognise that we can't go on like this. We have a weekend in Paris booked in October (no DC) but obviously would like to talk before then.

Talk to him - it is really important to open up to your partner and share your worries and concerns in a calm and rational way. Try not to finger point and say 'you do this, or that....etc' as that can get a defensive reaction.

If he is asking you if you are okay he knows there is a problem, and is open to fixing it.

I think you have a strong foundation and there is no reason why you cannot turn it around. Talk, share, open up, be kind to each other. Good luck.