Is it finally time?

[hippieshake]

DH and I haven't had a happy relationship for about 2 years now. When I met him he was very kind, and he made me laugh, and the biggest selling point was that he had so much time and patience for my family. My parents and my sisters loved him like he was their son/brother.

Then he started changing. He is miserable in a Victor Meldrew kind of way. he moans and complains about everything. He has no time for anyone or anything. Nothing interests him anymore. He's turned into a massive bully towards me, I can't say or do anything right without him either sulking or shouting at me, and he's making life very difficult.

For a long time I tried to make him feel better, suggesting things he could do in his spare time to cheer him up and organising days out and little treats for him. We still loved each other, and during this time we got married and I got pregnant after a year of trying (which was tough on us both). I thought that my being pregnant might give him something to focus on to pull him out of his unhappiness, but he just wasn't interested at all. In fact towards the end of my pregnancy he got worse.

I gave birth 5 weeks ago to our beautiful baby girl. She is the most wonderful thing, and he does love her, but he's still the same. In the past few weeks there hasn't been a single day where he hasn't made me cry, it's like emotional warfare. Finally he agreed to go and speak to someone, and went to the Dr, who has said that he has depression and arranged for him to see a therapist. He is so negative about it though, and keeps saying it wont work. It's like he doesn't want to make it better. Having been through years of depression myself, and having an eating disorder, I know what it feels like, but he seems to think that I have no idea. I don't know if it's because I'm a Mummy now, or if I've simply just had enough, but I don't care anymore.

I don't want him near me, and I'm much happier when he's not at home. I know we've just had a baby and I feel like we should try and make it work, but I'd rather my DD was brought up with parents who were apart but not always unhappy, than us being together and miserable. He has completely worn me out, and I'm so unhappy. I just feel emotionally exhausted by him. My family have noticed a change, and my parents who are usually very into working things out have said that I can move in with them if needs be. At what point do you know when it's time to do that though?

Sorry for the massive post, I think I just needed to get it off my chest.

I dont have a really inspiring post to read, but didnt want to leave you hanging. I think it may be worth sticking with him till he has had some councelling, it must be so difficult for you, with a new baby also. I hope someone gives you some better advice soon.

Thank you. I'm hoping that talking to a therapist helps him, but at the moment he just seems so sure that it isn't going to work, that I don't know if it will. I appreciate him feeling miserable, but he has to want to get better and I'm not sure that he does. I just feel like I need a break from him to take some time to breathe. I guess we'll see x

I would almost say a break is what you need......I agree he needs counselling, but you have just had a baby and he is making you upset and low every time he comes back in the house, this is not a positive atmosphere for anyone. I think maybe you need a break, and some time out to focus on you and your baby and where you can go from here. Your husband needs help, and maybe the shock factor might kick him into action . If he still is not attempting to get help, or the counselling does not go well, then you know that separating is the best thing to do for both of you. There comes a point where someone has to do something, and if you have had depression in the past, the risk of staying for his benefit may cause a relapse in the long term. Good luck.

The trouble with men (I have found) is that they externalise.

Their inner world is very poor, and of course that is where the problem lies. They find it hard to link their situation and their emotions, even less when the issue is an ancient one from childhood.

Therefore it is much easier to keep their false egos intact and look outward for the problem/seek the solution out there.
This is why they beat, cheat and blame.

Good luck with your H, I hope he is also on ADs?

Hello hippieshake
I suffered PND and it definitely clouds your judgement. If you have had depression in the past maybe chatting to your doctor or Health visitor about the way you are feeling. Im not saying it is this but in my experience I ignored it and it effected my marriage.
Also I think counselling is a must people give up way to easily, not saying you are, Im just saying until you have tryed all angles you wont know for sure which way you want to go.

If he showed his true colours before the baby (which it sounds to me like he did) he'll just get worse now.

I'd go for a separation for a while, get a bit of distance between you for a while and take it from there.

Thank you for taking the time to reply to me. It's nice to have people listen to me.

I don't think I do have PND as I'm extremely happy with the rest of my life, in fact I'm the most happy and content I've ever been. It's just when I'm around DH that I feel upset and generally quite panicky in case something sets him off.

He has refused ADs because he thinks they don't work they just mask problems. I could maybe see that being the case if he wasn't getting the counselling, but perhaps they might perk him up enough to help him get a head start.

I think that possibly even just taking a few days out at my parents with my DD might be a good idea. It'd give us both space to think about things, and then maybe he would see what he'd be letting go if he carries on.

I just want what's best for my DD, and at the moment I think that should be a Mummy who is happy all of the time, not just when Daddy isn't there.

Hippieshake, that sounds like a very good plan to me.

Always remember though "his" depression or whatever it is belongs to "him" and not you. You really don't have to put up with it or try to make it better, that's his job.