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Original poster

DP's OCD is driving me to breaking point

43 replies

SpottedGurnard · 04/07/2012 19:35

His coping mechanism is to squeak, take loud sharp breaths and squeal like a big. And jumping. Oh god the jmping when I'm sat downstairs it sounds like hes about to come through the ceiling.

I can't live like this anymore. I'm constantly on edge and shouting. I'm not a patient person and I feel like my peace is constantly beig interrupted in my own house.

I can't relax in my own home.

OP posts:

izzyizin · 05/07/2012 14:14

He only does it at home? You're at the end of your tether and it sounds to me as if he's had enough rope...

If he's at medical school he's got the intellectual ability to comprehend and resolve his own impulses/compulsions/responses etc. Physician heal thyself!

amillionyears · 05/07/2012 14:25

First question,is,do you love him.
Second question,does he love you
Third question,is he willing to try to deal with his fears

thunksheadontable · 05/07/2012 14:34

Everything I've read about OCD says that it often goes hidden for years so it doesn't seem that unusual he only does it at home. Being at medical school doesn't seem to me to have anything to do with it. I don't think there's anything wrong with not wanting to be with him when you are so young and not tied and he doesn't seem to be dealing with it. However, I think there has to be balance in how this is viewed by other posters - essentially he has a psychiatric condition which is probably tormenting the life out of him, even more so because he is intelligent and high achieving - I very much doubt he is doing it for attention or getting any great joy from it. He needs to want to get help and to deal with it, it sounds like he's not at that stage so walking away seems a sensible thing to do if you don't fancy caring for him, but I do feel sorry for him. I have had obsessions throughout pregnancy and it has been the worst time of my life, yet a) I am lucky, it will pass by the time I am 16 weeks post partum going on past experience and b) I have no experience with compulsions and it sounds like his are quite severe and I really empathise with him for being caught in this "brain lock".

I think you can want to be out of this situation and others can advise you to cut your losses and go without making light of a serious and debilitating condition, basically..

CinnabarRed · 05/07/2012 14:45

I'm another who couldn't live with it.

My advice would be to give him a month, say, to take positive action to deal with his condition (and know in your own mind what the positive action might look like). Make it clear to him that if, at the end of the month, he hasn't taken ownership of his OCD then, with deep sadness on your part, it's the end of your relationship.

If he doesn't started towards managing his condition within your time frame then you know that he isn't ready to deal with it yet.

takeitaway · 05/07/2012 15:16

Sorry if I offended you thunks by making light of the condition; as I said, I really didn't mean to be flip, I was just thinking of a way to channel the OP's DP's energy ...

Also, making light of it did help in our house. There was a stage when DD's tics were affecting the whole family - trying to watch TV together or sit down to a family meal seemed to unleash DD's whole repertoire of squeaks and head jerks.

But as I say, once we stopped focusing on it, and being worried by it - because it definitely was a worry - once we made light of it, and accepted that it was just a part of the jigsaw that makes up our kooky but wonderful DD, then it seemed to lose its significance.

izzyizin · 05/07/2012 15:38

If he's at medical school he'll have mates who intend to specialise in psychiatry, professors/tutors/lecturers who are psychiatrists; in other words he's better placed than most to get help for his condition - if he wants to change.

JaceyBee · 05/07/2012 15:54

I work with people wih OCD in the NHS using CBT as this is indeed the evidence-based treatment in the NICE guidelines for it - your dp would probably know that. If the counsellor he saw isn't trained in CBT then it is possible he wouldn't really have clicked with her or seen the point in further sessions as it really is a more structured and different way of working to some other kinds of therapy, I have a counselling qualification too which is great for some things but not generally this.

I find it difficult to believe though that there is only one NHS counsellor in your area, whereabouts in the country are you if you don't mind me asking? Is there not an IAPT/primary care psychology service nearby? I bet you if he talked to his supervisor at work about it they could get him some CBT through occ health or something.

However, it could also be like izzy said and he 'doesn't like' him/her because he is too resistant at this time to the idea of giving up some of his compulsions. You cannot make him engage with therapy if he's not ready, CBT is hard and demands a lot of commitment, if there is even a bit of ambivalence about changing it will likely not be that successful. To be honest it sounds as though this is way more of an issue for you atm than it is for him. So the question really is about whether or not you think you can put up with it, and I really wouldn't blame you if you couldn't.

HansieMom · 05/07/2012 16:58

Paxil, and antidepressant, also helps with OCD but it affects libido. If one medicine does not work, he can try another.

I think he is thoroughly in the wrong profession. Med school takes full on commitment and he cannot give it right now.

greeneyed · 05/07/2012 17:24

Sorry I think Comments about his profession are unhelpful and prejudice mental health problems affect people in all walks of life

greeneyed · 05/07/2012 17:24

Sorry I think Comments about his profession are unhelpful and prejudice mental health problems affect people in all walks of life

TheLightPassenger · 05/07/2012 17:43

I agree with Thunk. I would sympathise with him over the tics/compulsions/distress, but not over his refusal to seek appropriate help - for OCD the appropriate help wouldnt be bogstandard counselling, but CBT and/or medication. I don't know much about the tic side of things but I understand sometimes it's possible to keep a lid on them to a degree when in public, but then it makes it worse when you get home as you've been bottling it up.

I do think it's daft to suggest that being a trainee doctor means he should be able to cure himself! To know about the NICE guidelines yes, but to treat himself no!

TheLightPassenger · 05/07/2012 17:45

btw most of the medication these days for OCD wouldn't typically be sedating (or at least not once you've got through first week or two of side-effects while body adjusts)

WaitingForMe · 05/07/2012 17:51

I think it's unfair to say that if he can control it at work he should be able to control it at home. I hide my OCD very well and present a professional appearance but it's exhausting. Stepping through my front door is such a relief.

Sex calms me down so I refuse to try medication. I've had success with therapy but ultimately see this as my battle. I spelt it out as best I could for DH because it's part of me. I cannot be fixed or cured, my condition can only be managed.

He took it on board and copes brilliantly but it'd be ok if he couldn't. If the OP is going crazy then it's reasonable to leave, people like me are hard work, but i needed a private therapist who actually understood my reality - I rejected plenty along the way and that doesn't make me unreasonable.

solidgoldbrass · 05/07/2012 18:31

Leaving him would not make you a bad person. For one thing, he really doesn't seem to be making any effort to get better; he expects you simply to accept his squeaking and jumping (You are more tolerant than me, I'd have shot him by now) because after all, he is the Man in Your Life and women have to accept the Man They've Got. His behaviour is demonstrating that he thinks he's more important than you.

thunksheadontable · 05/07/2012 19:39

His behaviour is demonstrating that he thinks he's more important than his partner? . Seriously? The whole point of compulsions in OCD is that they are not enjoyable. So we say that shopaholics "shop compulsively" but in psychiatric terms, it is not a compulsion per se if the person enjoys it. OCD compulsions are driven by distress, not self-satisfaction or enjoyment, that is part of the definition of them as a compulsion. No one chooses it or seeks pleasure in it, that would be very much against the whole idea of OCD.

That is not to say that in any way would I think that leaving this man make the OP a bad person. They are not tied to eachother and if she is feeling miserable about it, she is better off walking away... but this man has an illness that he is not dealing with very effectively now, not some sort of misogynistic complex!

If the man can't be in a relationship because he is not ready for treatment, that's quite sad for him and possibly sad for the OP, as most of us feel a bit down at the end of a relationship as presumably the man has good qualities that drew her to him in the first place. It's one of those realities of life but nothing to be very pleased about for anyone involved.

PooPooInMyToes · 05/07/2012 20:33

thunksheadontable

I agree!

Original poster

SpottedGurnard · 05/07/2012 23:51

There's some interesting comments on here. Thank you all for your opinions.

I don't think it's fair to comment on his job. I know who would be the calmest and most able to cope if we came across someone seriously injured and it wouldn't be me!

After our talk yesterday he has been very calm all day. I have spelled it out to him that I can't cope with it any longer.We move house next week and his job starts. He is going to pay for Cbt with his wages.

OP posts:

takeitaway · 06/07/2012 00:07

That's a positive start, SG.

Maybe this has all just been an incredibly stressful period in his life - finishing medical school, exams, moving house, starting a new job. And you are in a relatively new relationship (18 months), so he's had a whole lot to deal with.

It could well be that once he gets settled in the new house and new job, the stress triggers begin to diminish for him.

In the mean time, it's a total cliche, but exercise really is a great way of coping with stress. Maybe you could go running together?

Hope you work it out.

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