Wise women please advise

[Scottishsummer]

There are days when I think it could all change if only I could find a way of asking that would stick.

This is the imaginary conversation with husband: 'Please could you do half the laundry without being asked, put away the clothes without being asked, never again sit there beatifically while I get everybody's breakfast; could you suddenly develop a tidiness gene, lose those two stones, take up the proverbial moderate exercise, develop a fine line in flirtation and a sudden rampant socialibity that would fill our house with people. Now, and for ever more.'

But after twenty years, every one of those things seems to be beyond speech.

And when I think it through, there's an unspoken 'or else'. Or else I'll drop with tiredness, or else I'll think less of you, or else it's not fair after six million years of evolution, and a good century of suffrage.

What's the 'or else' that has real impact in a strong marriage where the other party does half the childcare, all the cooking, much of the shopping and is devoted to his family almost to a fault (see rampant sociability)?

How can you get things to change permanently without some terrible row, or some implied threat?

My friend tried it by storming off; it worked short-term but her bloke has never quite forgotten it and I don't think it helped. Besides which, I don't want to do that.

I would be so grateful for your experience/advice.

Sounds like you love this man and he pulls his weight generally so storming off seems OTT. Your 'complaints' fall into three categories

1. Chores. If you don't like 'asking' him to do breakfast, laundry or clothes, why not draw up a rota together and formalise sharing the chores between you, him and the DC(s)? Make a plan and stick to the plan and things will get done
2. His appearance. Lead by example, go on a family health-kick, get everyone to join in and talk about 'health & fitness' rather than 'looks'
3. His personality. You've been with the man 20 years and he is not and never will be tidy, flirty or sociable. Deal with it.

If he does the stuff when asked is not so bad.
But it's tough being in control.

Can you change the "asking" into talk about tasks and decide who will do what, so that he does take some responsibility too?
And set times to tidy up, for example, say at the end of the day, where you all have the responsibility to put away things you have left lying around.

And there's the training option. Reward "good behaviour", say with a smile or acknowledgement, at least until it becomes the norm.

Cogito, Lueji thank you both very much, wise writers. It's not often you feel bucked up by the phrase 'deal with it' but it really helps, Cogito. And the reward system (with all its comic implications re children) is a very good one.

Am really grateful.

But do either of you have any thoughts about a back-stop - ie, if this doesn't change, then...what? I find I have the same problem with the children, in fact - impotent outrage with no effect.

It's how important these things are really. Pick your battles. If you can live with it, live with it. If you are banging your head on the floor on a nightly basis and fantasising about lamping him with a house-brick because, yet again, you've had to ask him to make breakfast then you cannot avoid a confrontation. Deal with the problem firmly, authoritatively and with appropriate consequences if that's the only way to get taken seriously. Same goes for your children.

1. Set the expectation.... i.e. Sharing household chores
2. Agree the 'why'.... and this is where you get them to tell you why this is a good idea/fair/necessary.
3. Set consequences for non-compliance. i.e. weekend activities cancelled

Regarding social activities, I had one of those (probably worse).
You can simply go out anyway, or invite people in and if he wants to leave or hide, then it's his problem, not yours.
Basically live with it. Not necessarily let it control your life, but accept that he won't be very social.

Losing weight is more complicated. You can encourage, by limiting junk food in the house for example or suggesting joint activities, but it should be his decision. What if it was the other way around?

Ex was not great at housework, but we had a sort of tasks that each one was responsible for. His was cooking, so there was no escape.
I did laundry, because it was something that I had the most vested interest in.

Excellent advice again from you both, I'm very uplifted and encouraged.

This strange parallel world in which we all communicate is very special.

I've read you both many times and wondered who you are, what you do in life; have my theories!

Thank you SO much.

Just to point out that I make no claim of being wise, though.

I wish I was!