Is being in an emotionally abusive relationship an excuse for this...

[stackingnumberpots]

In my late teens/early 20s my mother was in an emotionally abusive, very occasionally physically abusive, relationship. I didn't know this at the time. Prior to this she had always been emotionally unstable which was demonstrated through screaming fits that would go on for hours and usually involve hurling crockery sets across the room. However, the instability got much worse during the relationship and led to self harming. Also at the same time, my mother discovered that I had lied to her about smoking cigarettes and went ballistic, showing me the wounds/scars and claiming the self harm was my fault as I had lied, asking me to take the knives and scissors in the house to work with me and when I didn't she would then say I clearly didn't give a shit about her as I hadn't bothered to remove the instruments of self harm. I found this extremely difficult and it still impacts on our relationship to this day. My mother thinks I should excuse this behaviour or be able to blank it out as it was all a result of the relationship she was in and says I am being unfair to ever remind her of how damaging it was to me. I find I am able to understand that the emotional abuse may have contributed to her behaviour but cannot excuse it as it was so damaging and hurtful and I can't ever imagine treating my own DC in the same way. She keeps telling me to read books on EA so I can understand the impact it has but I know there are many of you on these boards who may be able to offer some insight.

I am a long time lurker and infrequent poster as I am crap at managing my threads...if you do respond, I will really appreciate reading your view even if it takes me a few days to post again.

Hi OP. I don't have much in the way of words of wisdom to give only that no matter what happened in your mum's relationship she abused you sweetheart.

Thanks MissFaversham, I have come to that conclusion in the past but am doubting myself again now and thinking I am cruel for not being more empathetic.

You aren't being cruel OP and none of what's happened is your fault at all. She's manipulating you honey becasue she can't face up to her part in it.

I was in an abusive relationship and I DON'T treat my son like that.

That constant making YOU responsible for HER survival/harming etc though is exactly the kind of behaviour that would lead YOU to grow up to be abused in a relationship, and as MissF says, she abused you.

You have every right to be angry. Can you get some counselling? Could you contact Woman's Aid? they might be able to suggest where you can get the proper support you need to process and come to terms with it.

Thanks HH...happily, I have somehow met the most caring, stable, un-emotionally damaged DH in the world. However, I do see these issues affecting my female friendships. I have had counselling in the past but things have been on a more even keel for the last few years and I thought these issues had been laid to rest but it has all come up again (now her alcoholism is my fault). Will check out the Woman's Aid website.

Parents are not always what we want or need them to be. They can have crises, mental health problems, psychoses, breakdowns same as anyone else. You say she was always unstable. This does not excuse abusive behaviour, of course, and they should be capable of owning up to their failings and apologising for the effect they had on you rather than expect you to brush the past under the carpet. Once she has properly acknowledged her part in a very bad period of your life, therefore, and provided she isn't repeating the behaviour any longer, I think it would be healthy for you to try to forgive

Thanks Cogito that's exactly what I had done...forgiven and largely forgotten as we had had a total breakdown and part of the healing process involved many discussions about her behaviour and its impact on me. I thought she had understood and she kind of apologised. However, recently her previous "likes a drink...possibly a bit too much" habit has descended into full blown alcoholism with secret stashes of vodka, whiskey in coffee mugs at 10am etc. I have confronted her about the drinking as not happy for it to go on around the DC and she has said she drinks because of me...because I confronted her in the past about the damage she caused with the self harming and because I have talked about damage caused by previous episodes that involved the hurling of plates and "you clearly don't give a shit about me, I should have driven into a brick wall on the way home from work" type comments (pretty terrifying for a 9 year old to hear but something she explains away as "everyone loses it from time to time").

Sorry...this second bit is probably for another thread but I just feel she has reverted to denying my experiences when growing up, blaming them all on EA or the normal strains of being a lone parent and now her alcoholism is my fault because I dare to still be upset that any of this happened.

If she's still unstable, casting around for blame and has added alcoholism to her other problems then I think, for your own and your children's sake, you'll have to withdraw and keep her at arm's length. Don't know how practical that is. Having had a FIL that was very much like this, my view is that they can't be helped, they don't ever really own up to the harm they've caused and, when things get too grown-up for their liking, they play the 'look what you've all done to me' card and have a relapse.

My mum was like this too, very emotionally and physically abusive, very neglectful. She left me home alone and didn't feed me healthily after she divorced my dad, and I weighed 10 stone at 10 years old. She stopped talking to my sisters and I after the deaths of my father and step father, as we had an argument about her hitting my sister's kids.

We got back in contact after ds1 was born, but we never, ever, talk about the past. We have touched on it a few times (apparently my obesity was my father's fault, he left when I was four and I wasn't obese until years later!) I have come to the conclusion that she cannot accept any responsibility for the bad things she has done, because if she did so she couldn't live with herself.

It looks like your mum has taken it one step further by blaming you for any of her behaviour, past and present, so she still doesn't have to take any responsibility. You need to state clearly and repeatedly that it is her fault - if she says 'You make me drink' say 'No you are choosing to drink and it is your responsibility to stop. If you do not stop you cannot see the dc as they cannot be around someone who has a drinking problem.' Repeat as necessary and follow through on consequences. Offer help, to go to the gp with her for example, but do not ever accept any responsibility, because if she can blame her alcoholism on you she doesn't have to deal with it, as it isn't her fault.
Finally if you do have to cut contact, do it. It did my mum a world of good as she had no one to blame and had to address her own behaviour. If you feel your dc and you are being affected, you come first, and no matter how bad cutting contact would be for your mum, she has had a huge negative effect on your life, and you cannot let her continue that or do the same to your dc.

Grrr...just wrote a long post to thank you for yours sofaking but it didn't post. No time to fully re-type but thanks for sharing your experience and your perspective...it has helped enormously.