Resentment of dh's behaviour and my own loneliness reaching epic proportions, don't know what to do :(

[arabella2]

Hi
Just for background as this post is not going to be very long (she says) the background or some of the background to how I feel is in "feel sad, a bit mad and unloved and untouched by dh".
Basically again today he hardly touched me, the atmosphere is tense between us though we are talking. Again I said something about the fact he "never gives me a hug" this morning and again he said to get hugs from the kids and that it was "tough" and to go and find "Michelle" on Cricklewood Broadway (kind of an in joke - for ages he used to admire Michelle Pfeiffer and it became a joke between us that actually she used to play Bingo on a road not that far from us (Cricklewood Broadway)) if I needed cuddles. Then when he came home I was upstairs putting away clothes while he was dressing after his shower. He got dressed then walked out of the room saying "time for cuddles" (ie. with ds and dd) without any physical acknowledgement of me. The closest we came to touching was feet entangled on sofa while watching boring old TV and at one point he put one hand on my knee. Then when he came to bed and I was still awake he just lay next to me. He often does this when tired and down because of the day. I have made lots of movements in his direction and last night I kind of curved towards him and put my hand around his arm, but I can't do it anymore because I feel so rejected. He is very bad at talking about relationship things I think partly because he fears me going all loopy on him. Yesterday on the phone I asked him not to hate me forever (because it does feel as if there is this huge gulf between us) and he called me "wacky". I find it really hard when ds comes to our bed and both me and dh separately put our arms around him and I wonder why he can't be bothered to do that with me. I am trying to come off my retail therapy and seem to be left with nothing on days like this. Also the distance between us surely can only get bigger with baby no. 3 almost here - how is our relationship going to survive that one??? Feel as if him being so distant from me is a real comment on me - ie. that for him I have become boring, unattractive and a bit of a loose cannon with my moods. Still don't see how I can have someone who touches me so rarely (ie. only when in a better mood maybe one day at the weekend and even then it is hardly intimate stuff)
at the birth of our child. Or even how we can resume sexual intimacy later on because I am not having a bonk with someone who more often than not cannot be bothered to put their arm around me in bed. Sorry, am sounding vaguely obsessed I know. I was lying in bed just now before coming downstairs thinking we need somebody else living with us for a while because I will not be able to cope with the lack of emotional support on offer. Plus I don't want to spend all the time that I am with my kids having the fact that I think dh no longer loves me, lurking at the back of my mind. When I am with them I want to focus on them! My mother is in her 5th year of chemotherapy this year and her results are not very good at the moment. Though our relationship is not fantastic I don't know what I would do if she were not around and also, how does one cope with 3 kids under 5, an emtionally distant and over critical husband and a mother who may be very very ill without going kind of mad?????

Arabella I dont know what to say....i have no good advice. My situation is similar to yours - I have 3 children under 5, including a new baby. My Dh just works all the time - he works for himself and works from home a lot but he spends hours in his office on the computer. I do mean A LOT. He doesn't have to work this hard - we are comfortably off. He just loves his work.

He only takes one week off a year, in February when it is quiet. We've just had that week and he worked most of the time. For big chunks of the day and most evenings til about 11.We might as well have stayed at home - at least I get a bit of a break when the oldest is at nursery.

He is not overly critical & is a good father. He comes home about 6.30 and spends time with the children& does things about the house, like helps with tea or tidies up while I BF the baby. But as soon as the children are asleep he goes on the computer and spends hours working or whatever. I lurk around, waiting for him to finish and follow him into the bedroom.Then when I go to the loo or brush my teeth he gets into bed and falls asleep. Honestly, i have no idea how he can be asleep in the 3 mins it takes me to do this but he can.

I could just cry with frustration - not sexual, though like you I am so desperate for a cuddle. I just want some love and affection and dont really care if we never make love agin!!! My DH has no sex drive anyway, I have no idea how we have three children.

I do really love my kids but i don't think I can expect them to meet all my emotional needs. I am just really lonely. I feel so pathetic saying this.

When I try to tell him how I feel he just says "Well it would be nice if I had a 9-5 job but I don't so there is no point in bitching about it".

I know he doesn't have a 9-5 job but I can't think of the last day that he didn't work. I think it was Christmas Day last year. I know he worked in the evening. I remember surfing MN thinking how pathetic I was, to be on MN on Christmas Day.

He took a whole day off to attend a family funeral last June. But he worked (away) on my birthday and our anniversary.They are both coming up later this month. I am thinking of inviting his friends over for the evening - that's the only way he wont work for the evening. If I have my friends over he will work. It's hard to go out with a small baby who is Bf.

When we do get a babysitter for the evening and take the baby, he will only go out for about 2 hours so he can come home and work. And during this 2 hours he will take work calls and constantly check his email. It makes me feel like I am just a nuisance. On his birthday we went out for lunch . With the baby. He could only spare an hour.

When I was in labour in hospital with my second baby, he took his laptop so he could work. I moaned about it so when I was in with my third, he kept saying he would just pop out for a paper/sandwich/the loo so he could check his email and make calls.He thinks I don't know.

The only time he has EVER turned off his mobile since I have known him is on our wedding day. Not all day you understand, just for the 45 mins we were in the church

Do you think that all these women who have partners who misuse drugs or alcohol or have affairs or who beat them up are reading this and thinking that we are pathetic and should be grateful for our lot??? Whatever happens I think " well at least i have the children" and feel guilty for being so miserable

I am not a regular poster but just had to drop in to add my bit.
I want to believe that you DH is being this way because he feels he has something that you need that only him can offer thereby putting in the "I need him" position that you are at the moment.
Why else will he announce cuddle time with the kids to you.
If it were me I will stop asking(hard I know for you) and just really focus on myself and the kids. Make yourself pretty for yourself, pamper yourself and just be aloof.

Plan things without him, if it is possible go out with your mates immediately he gets in from work, and let him have the whole time to cuddle the kids to himself.
Be vibrant and full of life, I do know you are pregnant but this can still be achieved.
It might be hard for you to do but you ned to let him know by your actions that he is not all that.
If he feels he might not have that "thing" that you need he might buckle up.

EG i dont think anyone would read this and think you are ungrateful. It seems your dh has no respect for the sanctity of family life. Why did he get married and have kids if he was just going to fit them in between work?
Sounds like he has seriously lost perspective.
It's great that he is supporting the family. But what is the point of working if you can't spend time with the people you love?
I would seriously think about printing out the email and showing it to him.

A2 really feel for you too. I know it's hard to maintain intimacy when surrounded by kids etc but he really should be giving you more support and affection.
It sounds like he has got so out of the habit he is almost allergic to it!
Personally it sounds like he needs therapy of some kind, but in the meantime maybe more time for the two of you would help ease the tension.
How often do you go out as a couple? Have you had a holiday just the two of you since the kids were born? How often do you do things for yourself (eg gym, evening class etc)?
I really think these things could help.
Good luck to the two of you. Hopefully you will both be able to look back at this patch in a couple of years time and think 'thank god that's over'...

arabella-sorry havent much to add,but please look after yourself and get lots of support from female friends

just not sure why so many women stay with there dh/dp

Arabelle2 - how are things for you today? Sorry to hear your mother is so ill

Notasheep - I stay with my Dh because I love him. And he is a good father. I cant leave him just because of his work. I knew he worked all the time before i met him, but he told me that he was burying himself in his work becase he was so unhappy/ lonely after his last relationship broke up. Also he was building up his own business. I could undertstand then. But now he has employees and is more financially secure but he just won't delegate. But he also just loves his work. And customers are always urgent, whereas we are just important

but is he a good husband?

the fact he is affectionate to the children & spends time with them is great, but what about your needs?

I agree with midas - however hard, show him that you dont need his affection, and mayube he will try harder - if he doesnt, maybe its time to review things....

I have to say that last year my husband was unaffectionate & distant to me and it tore me apart....then I managed to confirm my fears that he was having an affair, which explained why hed withdrawn...but it hurt like hell..

Hi EmilyGrace and everybody else - sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you. Since posting I have had one sad / depressed day and two okay days. Thanks for what you said about my mother EG - she has just had loads of tests and though there has not been an improvement this time, there hasn't been a worsening either. So she is feeling happier than she would be otherwise and they are all set to come here (they live abroad) next week to help us with having 3 kids instead of 2 (!!!!! the mind boggles).
I'm sorry your husband is such a workaholic EG - I recently read an extract from a book on Amazon (can't remember which book unfortunately) which talked about the process of "triangulation" which can go on in relationships. This basically means that something comes in the way of the two partners reaching real intimacy - addictions, pastimes whatever - but overwork was definitely cited as one of these. One partner using it as a means to avoid intimacy with the other. I think there is probably a lot of truth to this as real intimacy with someone is terrifying in some ways - much easier to travel along the usual niggly path of bickering and wondering whether the other person really likes you or not than have the full force of your attachment and love for each other glaring you in the face and causing you worries of a different kind.
Does your dh envision ever slowing down workwise? My dh works very hard too but will stop and some days does not work at all (weekends - sometimes all weekend, sometimes half or 2 thirds of the weekend) - but he did go through a phase of being on the computer ALL the time because he was designing websites and that was very hard. No I don't think it's pathetic to want to have some of your emotional needs met by your partner at all.
I think advice re. me being more aloof is quite good - definitely have to do that more. It's just hard on days when I feel weepy and like I want to spend all afternoon in bed (might have something to do with being 38 weeks pregnant).

arabella and emilygrace, I was really saddened by your posts and I'm sending you my best wishes xxx. How assertive have you been with your men? If it were me I know I would be telling my DH that I wanted a serious look at our lives - that I would not be prepared to go on in the same way. Maybe I'd start by writing a brief letter stating in the strongest terms that unless a serious heart to heart takes place I'd be considering what future we had together...

Do you think this approach would 'jolt' them into action?